I feel like my depression is getting bad again, but I still feel so guilty at the idea of having going to a counseling appointment. Like, so many people have dealt with so much worse, what business do I have beingĀ ādepressedā?Ā
But..itās there. It has been for over a year and I just keep thinking if I pretend it isnāt, then itāll go away on its own. And then Iāll have good days and sometimes even a couple good weeks and Iām likeĀ āItās fine; clearly I was being melodramaticā. But...then itāll get bad again. And I think I keep taking on otherās bad feelings too and then theyāre going through shit and I feel I haveĀ to support them and I donāt deserve/need counseling because theyāre worse off and I donāt practice self-care at all. Like, itās so bad.
I havenāt been as low as I was in late Nov-Jan because....and I feel really guilty even typing this because my life is perfectly decent and I shouldnāt be depressed but I literally
I had thoughts of suicide. Multiple times. The scariest was definitely when I was behind the wheel and I blamed myself for my best friendās sexual assault and I could notĀ stop thinking about how I could just stop the overwhelming guilt and I clearly wasnāt doing any good for anyone and I was so fucking low. And earlier in January, I was so low ( Iām so good at hiding it normally) that my best friend was noticing that I was āoffā and I couldnāt hide it. So Iād make up something about stress or not getting enough sleep and I still do the same thing about eating (though it hasnāt been as bad as it was Nov-Jan).Ā
FUck. FUCK FUCKF FUCK FUCK FUCK
