#sprial

Wouldn’t it be so fun to have someone give you a baked good or a drink of some sort that was laced, and when you are stumbling over your own words, they put pretty spirals on the tv and make you watch them while whispering mantras in your ear. Turning you into their pretty little play thing.

And this started a spiral. Because I realize one main factor of that guilt is stemmed from the secret I use to get myself out there and meet new people despite my social anxiety. I convince myself by saying I want to build the roster for my funeral. The more people I meet, hopefully the more at my funeral. And I don't quite know why I want so many people there other than to see that I was loved, but I wouldn't see that. I feel guilt because every friendship I'm in began with the dream of them crying over my death. But at the same time these are the people preventing myself from reaching that death early. Its a stupid cycle.

But it doesn't end there because then it made me think about how I over share. I wasn't sure why I did until I was thinking about the fact that I wanted to share this with someone. Thats when I realized that I over share because I want people to know me, try to understand me, and most of all because I want them to remember me. I don't want to be forgotten. I fear being forgotten.

Which led to why am I scared of being forgotten, and I realized the I want to be remembered after my death. Thats why I want to build the funeral roster, thats why I over share. I just want to be remembered. And I think its because if I am remembered then I did something worthy of being remembered. And that would mean that my existence, all my pain, everything i lived through would be worth something. I just want to be worth something.

I just want to be good enough. I want to be worthy. I want to make an impact. I want to be someone worth remembering.

18K White Gold Spiral 1 Ct Diamond Pendant Necklace