#spounkletalks

i feel like im missing out on so much shit in my life, yk like seeing my peers and irls post on their stories them hanging iut with their friends, big group of friends, and just enjoying their life in general. i dont understand why i cant ever have that. ive tried to get close to other people, i did hang out with my irls before, and it was fun, but i never feel like im included in things? like i am Always Out of The Loop ykwim. im always excluded. and i cant blame them i guess cuz they sometimes do try to talk to me, i just cant bring myself to be comfortable with anyone.

and like yk its very obvious why .. autism and severe trauma bla bla yeah and like, thats why it sucks. cuz i know i couldve done more, live a better life than this if it wasnt for my disorders. its like im being robbed from my childhood and my youth. im actively preventing myself from living my own life because im scared of everything now. because people have hurt me in the past, and i have hurt people, and i hurt myself, and im scared. and its only me in here. i dont have a proper support system. because i stopped it. i stopped going to therapy for some dumb fucking reason, because i dont want to get better, even tho i do. plus them changing my therapist just feels so fucking frustrating especially since it took me a year to finally get close with my old therapist. and im scared of meeting the new one since ive had bad experiences in the past. im noticing that i keep focusing on the bad instead of the good.

i just hate myself for being so so mad at everything and everyone and i dont understand why. i consider myself a loving person, i love everyone so much and i want to keep loving everyone. i want to keep being happy and entertaining, not be stupid and depressed and be a burden. the thing is u cant always be happy and thats part of being human. so when something happens that puts me in a negative state of mind i get reminded that **i** am a human with emotions. and even if its normal i feel like for me it shouldnt be, its not the normal for me. now i am angry and i am sad, im no longer entertaining. im an awful person now and its gonna scare or bore everyone away. because ive hurt people before. and i still do apparently. i still hurt my friends, even if i dont mean to its still me hurting them and i do not know how to stop myself because i guess its a weird self defense mechanism or something.

i really just want to stop being weird but i know its impossible. i will just punish myself again and again because at least it calms me down. its better taking it out on my self than others. i never want to hurt anyone. hurt me instead. i really want to cry now.