#spitebaking

I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH EGGS FOR TORTE AND I CAN'T FIND MY RAMEKINS TO MAKE POTS DE CREME

OH

GOD

So true story, I'm a barista at a terrifyingly busy coffeeshop.

Today, it is seventy degrees, sunny, and slightly breezy. It's a Saturday. If you don't understand why this is relevant, wait for a day with lovely weather and go observe, say, a local Starbucks. Or a Peet's. Or whatever the big chain in your region is.

I clocked out an hour and a half ago. I went to the grocery store. The bakery manager, one of my regulars, asked where her mocha was.

(Protip: if you see your barista out and about and not at work, and you think it's a good idea to teasingly tell them to make you a latte, kindly reach up with your dominant hand and choke the everloving shit out of yourself. I would do it for you, but my jerkass-choking hand is out of commission for the day.)

It is time to eat frosting straight from the bowl.

SPITEFROSTING: THE RECKONING (or, The Tahitian Vanilla Bean Frosting, adapted from Shirley Corriher)

INGREDIENTS:

1/2 cup (113 g) unsalted butter 1/2 cup (95 g) vegetable shortening (I use butter-flavored Crisco) 1/2 tbsp good vanilla extract 1/2 tbsp ground vanilla bean (optional-ish, but it MAKES THIS, seriously do yourself the life favor. I use Ojio Tahitian vanilla. It smells like what orgasms should smell like.) 4 cups (454 g) powdered sugar 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 tablespoons milk or cream 1 tablespoon light corn syrup

INSTRUCTIONS:

Take the butter out of the refrigerator to soften to room temperature. While you're waiting, think on the things that fill you most with the hatred of a thousand million burning stars. If you can drink, take this time to drink some shitty wine and fume.

When the butter is softened, throw it into a large mixing bowl with the shortening and beat them together on medium speed until they become pale and fluffy. Scrape down the sides of the bowl with a spatula and beat in the vanilla and the salt. Add the powdered sugar incrementally, pausing on occasion to scrape the bowl. When approximately half the powdered sugar is beaten in, add the first tablespoon of milk. Depending on the frosting texture you prefer, you might not want to add the second tablespoon, but I recommend it. When all the powdered sugar is beaten in, add the corn syrup and beat the frosting until it's fully incorporated.

Lick the beaters and get a goddamned spoon.

Few things in life are quite so appealing as a very, very, VERY good chocolate chip cookie. My theory is that it's because a very, very, VERY good chocolate chip cookie is hellishly difficult to find. You know what I'm talking about: soft chewy middle, crispy around the edges, caramelly buttery flavor, achingly rich chocolate. The perfect chocolate chip cookie doesn't go stale overnight, dips well in milk, and is the perfect reward after a long day of bathing in the blood of your slaughtered enemies.

SPITEBAKING: THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT

INGREDIENTS:

1/4 c. (56g) melted, browned butter 1/4 c. (50g) butter-flavored shortening

2/3 c. (150g) light-brown sugar 1/3 c. (70g) white sugar

1/4 c. (55 mL) half-and-half, cream, or high fat dairy substitute one large egg

1 1/2 tsp good vanilla extract 1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp baking soda 3/4 tsp baking powder

3/4 c. (~175g) all-purpose flour 1/2 c. (~100g) whole-wheat flour 1/2 c. (~100g) oat flour or equivalent amount ground oats

1 c. good chocolate chips

plastic wrap parchment paper (this is seriously important, y'all) metal baking sheets

(to make these gluten-free, look for the notes at the end) INSTRUCTIONS

Melt butter in a saucepan on medium and cook until lightly browned, pour into mixing bowl. Add shortening in chunks and stir until all fats are melted. Cool for five to ten minutes. In a separate bowl, whisk together the flours, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Set aside. Stir brown and white sugars into melted butter mixture, mix until combined. Add egg to sugar mixture and mix well. To wet mixture, add the vanilla and the half-and-half/cream. Mix well, and don't worry if the resultant mix looks scary and curdled. It will be fine! Gradually mix in the flour mixture until just combined. (Overmixing results in a tough non-fun cookie.) Stir in chocolate chips with spoon or spatula, then wrap dough in plastic wrap and refrigerate from one to 72 hours.

When ready to bake, preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line baking sheet with parchment paper. Form dough into walnut sized balls (1 oz/30g take your pick) and space approximately 2 1/2 inches apart on the parchment. Bake for ten to twelve minutes, or until the outside edges of the cookies have just begun to brown. Evac cookies from the oven to counter or cooling racks, sliding the parchment off the baking sheet as quickly as possible. You will know the cookies are done if, after a minute of cooling time off the baking sheet, the cookies can be turned in a circle on the parchment without sticking on the bottom. You'll want to eat them hot. DON'T. They're much better after they've cooled and set up more.

Yield approximately 18-20 cookies. 

BUT WAIT, you say. YOU SADISTIC SEACOW, YOU SAID THESE COULD BE GLUTEN-FREE. HOW IS THAT?

Good question!

To craft a tear-inducingly good gluten-free version of this national treasure, instead of the above flours, sub in 375 grams of a whole-grain gluten free flour blend. (I have not tested this with a cup-for-cup replacement, and I have not used any gums, so proceed with caution if you choose to do so. In case you missed it, don't use any gums. Xanthan gum is stupid expensive and for the most part I don't use it for anything but yeast breads.) Gluten-Free Girl has a good blend, or you can use mine:

STARCHES    15% tapioca     5% arrowroot WHOLE GRAINS    30% certified gluten-free oat flour    15% almond meal    10% brown rice fllour    10% sorghum flour    10% cornflour (not cornstarch, like cornmeal just finer)     5% flaxmeal

Thank you!

Baking is kind of my pressure valve release after a day at work, and the weighing down to the gram and the precision and the chemistry (I write my own recipes, baking = actual chemistry, true story) are incredibly soothing to me. I am told it doesn't look soothing because usually I start off pacing around the kitchen swearing and slamming the cabinetry doors, but the products of my rage are almost always DELICIOUS.

I spitebaked chocolate chip cookies and vanilla bean sugar cookies. I think I shall retroactively dedicate the spitefrosting I made to Vanessa Gottlieb and the ladies of PacRim. Because goddamn, it's the best frosting on the earth.

I am not saying I'm eating from-scratch Tahitian vanilla bean buttercream from the bowl. Nor am I saying that I decided that was a little gauche and thus decided to write a recipe for sugar cookies to serve as a non-spoon vehicle for said frosting.

Benefit: delicious frosted sugar cookies.

Side Benefit: retroactive Mother's Day present, for my mom who likewise can't eat anything from a grocery bakery and was tetched off that we couldn't have a cake today.

Side Benefit: retroactive appelation invention, to wit: SPITEBAKING.

Spitebaking for the shitty workday! Spitebaking for magnificent ladies! Spitebaking for representation! Spitebaking for, give me a hot second, 'cause goddamn this is good frosting.

Okay. SPITEBAKING for the canon established outside the movie, via Beacham's blog or the (seriously, editing, LEARN IT) novelization. Spitebaking for the world bible, because being problematic and ignorant does not automatically invalidate everything one says and does retroactively and moving forward ad infinitum. (This is not to excuse the man, it's just to recommend not completely writing him off, because without him there's no Drift, no del Toro, NO MOVIE.)

Spitebaking for film analysis, and razor-sharp intertextual meta, and headcanon incepted into the fandom so deeply and beautifully that everyone knows it and no one knows where it came from and it actively enriches the viewer experience.

Spitebaking for the ridiculous groundswell of love and affection for a movie that sent thousands online to make Tumblr posts with capslock and feelings.