#spiderman bitty

Falconers won of course!

Bitty: “Alright, I’ve gathered all of you here today so that we can peacefully settle our differences like the grown adults we all are supposed to be.”

All avengers are tied to their chairs from ankle to shoulder with loads of rounds of spider web. Several loud voices protest this treatment.

Bucky manages to get his arm free and tries to punch Spiderman, who is drinking coffee with his right hand and casually catches the metal arm with his left.

Bucky is now covered in twice as much spider web and hanging from the ceiling.

Bitty: “If you are gonna be childish about it, you don’t get to sit at the table! And I will hang the next person who interrupts me upside down outside the building. Maybe if I encourage the blood flow to your brains we will get some progress.”

Tony: “Is this a hostile take over? This feels like a hostile take over.”

Bitty: “I was around before you were Iron Man, and most of you lot only deal in covert operations, military or big world ending events, I’ve been doing the vigilante superhero thing for years now which gives me seniority and makes me qualified enough to act as a neutral party, but just in case I already asked somebody else to drop by to precede the negotiations. Also I brought mini pies.”

Clint staring at the mini pie in front of him with deep longing. “You realise we can’t eat the pies tied up right?”

“Think of it as extra incentive to finish quick. I have tickets for the Stanley Cup finals in a few days and a lot riding on The Falconers but I’m here dealing with you!”

“You know that’s a long shot right? The odds of The Falconers winning…” Was as far as Scott got before he was webbed in the mouth.

Bitty: “So how about Steve starts us off…”

Tony: “I object!”

Bitty: “With an apology for Tony.”

Tony: “Withdrawn!”

Steve: “I am not gonna apologise…”

Bitty: “Yes you are, because you gave a very nice lecture about hiding secrets to Tony a while back and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. So either you are a big hypocrite Steve, which goodness me, I do not believe you are, or you believe yourself morally irreproachable and above this team.”

*supremely awkward silence*

Bitty: “And Tony stop looking so damn smug, put yourself in Steve’s place and Rodney in Bucky and tell me you wouldn’t have done the same!”

*even more awkward silence*

Steve mumbles, Bitty glares, he mumbles an apology slightly louder and Tony shrugs and avoid eye contact and mumbles something back.

Bitty sighs. “This is gonna take forever, thankfully the lawyers finally are here. Jennifer Walters* will be representing Tony’s side and Matt Murdock* will advocate for Steve, and Mr. Knight will serve as a neutral party on my behalf.”

“Lawyers?” asked Natasha with a skeptical eyebrow lift and already free of spider web and eating her pie, but totally being cool with where this was going.

“Yes, because even preschoolers learn that you don’t solve conflict by using your fists and since nobody here seems able to talk to each other, I hired you people that are both passionate about the side they are arguing and able to relate due to their own unique circumstances, to talk for you while you brood behind them and make faces at each other, and then because I know better than to assume that’s enough to ensure smooth proceedings I found somebody who will keep things amicable between them as well.”

*Bitty glares at all of them from behind his mask with the full power only a disapproving parent can gather*

“Y'all get to strategise for the rest of today and put your arguments together with your legal council, and come back here to sort things out first thing tomorrow and we will continue to meet until we reach a compromise, and if you can’t be civil at the grown up table, you are out of the discussions altogether and if you and your team walk away, I will personally give a press conference where I explain the reason we couldn’t come up with a solution is on your head. So, are we all in agreement with this wonderfully reasonable plan I laid out for you?”

*dead silence and suspicious looks are exchanged*

Spiderman claps his hands once happy to assume silence as an agreement.

“Excellent! I’ll bring the lawyers in.”

And that’s how SpidermanBitty solved Civil War and the Avengers learned to fear him. Also, how Shitty ends up meeting and later on working with She-Hulk.

Shitty was great as the neutral party and you know he has strong opinions about the whole affair, and accepts no bullshit from either side. And also he has tickets for the game as well so a deep interest in moving things along. They all manage to reach a compromise in 5 non stop days of discussions.

Bitty looms over all of them from the corner of the ceiling, passive aggressively bringing better smelling goods every new meeting and refusing to give a single one out till progress is made. It’s possible he Pavlov trained the Avengers.

-

Jennifer Walker: Bruce Banner’s cousin and She-Hulk, canonically a lawyer and on Iron Man’s side during the civil war comic book story line.

Deadpool is 100% aware Bitty isn’t the real Spiderman.

Once Bitty brings him pie and he eats it all and comments how glad he is Bitty doesn’t have a dumb hobby like photography.

Bitty is suspicious for ages about that being a quip about Jack or just something random.

Deadpool runs into Peter Parker and annoys the crap out of him saying stuff about the comic book universe and how he could have been the real Spiderman.

Peter is annoyed and charmed. Peter refuses to date a mercenary. Peter’s will is weak.

Deadpool listens to Bitty up to a certain point because of the wonderful baked goods he provides.

He likes this version of Spiderman since he’s nice to him and rarely tries to send him to prison.

The only issue is when one of the kids reveals to be a lacrosse player, and they both fall to their knees screaming:

“Noooooooooooooooo…”

*sigh* “seriously every time I go to practice?”

“Hey lax bro, we can do it here in the privacy of our home or…”

“We can do it at your games when we go cheer for you.”

They run the bakery Bitty owns, since he’s always too busy saving the city or with his kids. He does the baking but he doesn’t have time to man the counter.

1. I’m really glad! It was a good drabble!

2. Spiderman has the best rep among mutants. First because as you said, he gives a lot of people legal means to fight the system.

3. People know he has at least one mutant kid because of the Wolverine incident where he kicked him all over the city for taking his 17 year old in a mission.

4. He finds good foster homes for mutant/powered kids. 

Shitty and Lardo adopt 5 year old twins that were experimented on, Ransom and Holster get to live their dream of living in a frat house forever by having a house full of fostered teenagers with poor control of their powers, Chowder and Farmer adopt the cutest little girl who turns into animals when startled, Dex sighs very deeply and resign himself to fostering a pre-teen girl version of Nursey (if she says chill one more time he is going to ground her for life).

At first Nursey claims he isn’t responsible enough to be trusted with a potted plant much less a kid, but he loves to babysit for their friends anyways. One day a teenager follows him home, sees the state he is living in and moves in without asking, because clearly this man needs somebody to force responsabiltiy on them. Dex likes the kid.

Alicia and Bob also foster older kids that will get out of the system soon, but could use support while making the transition. George and her wife adopt a brother and sister. 

(Threes also a lot of good people/families who would do anything for kids of their own, but don’t have good chances with the system because they are single, don’t have enough money to pay for lawyer fees, etc and Spiderman does his best to find those families, background check the hell out of them and finding kids who would fit those homes.)

5. It isn’t that he doesn’t trust X-men, but that he has reservations about them and their methods.

“Hi, nice to meet you, this is my lawyer and he will give me legal council on all the paperwork I am sure you want me to sign. Mini pie?”

“I would like to start this meeting by expressing my extreme disapproval and content for secret government agencies with no accountability for their actions, and who no doubt are breaking mayor laws all over the place…”

10 minutes later, Bitty is on the ceiling taking a nap.

Agent Hill has developed an eyebrow tick and Agent Coulson has stopped blinking.

Nick Fury storms into the room yelling and cursing, and gets webbed on the mouth.

“My 5 year old has screeching powers and even she has managed to master an inside voice.”

…omg i cant stop laughing but imagine this: Jack dresses as Cap America for Halloween