#specifically. xavier

Oooh, very intriguing!! I have a ranking of how horrible each LI would be with non-mc and it goes (from healthiest to you're going to be emotionally eviscerated and never recover for as long as you live); Zayne, Sylus, Xavier, Rafayel, Caleb. The order is in no way suggesting that the "healthier" options won't come with some major heartbreak (Sylus is on an entirely different level than Zayne and it gets worse with every tier). Xavier may be 3rd in the list, but the experience you have is absolutely soul crushing.

For you to be a backtracker that believes in Xavier's cause, that would mean you know about Philos!mc and have a deep love/respect/loyalty to her (and Xavier). Xavier is in a deep period of mourning and throws himself into the mission completely. You notice the toll that it's taking on him, but give him space for some time until it's something that can't be ignored any longer. I fear your intentions of comforting him as a friend turns into something else due to the stress you're both under. It's an on and off, very touch and go relationship. Xavier acts like none of it is ever happening and still treats you as a close friend and nothing more. Your feelings for him start to grow but your survivor's guilt and knowledge that you are and never will be mc does plenty to keep you in check.

I think you become a very obvious outlet for Xavier and he has no shame in admitting it. However, he is under the impression that the feeling is mutual. The sex is excellent- very intense. Afterwards, the two of you will just lay together (not cuddling) simply talking about your plans and what your next move should be. There are obvious boundaries and neither of you ever cross them. Xavier gives no room for you to ever be confused about what he wants. And what he wants is not you- not in the way you want to be wanted at least.