#special dedication

Dedication to my Dutch teacher who lost her baby. I want to show to her and to all the women who have gone through this, that there’s always has hope and I also want to show them that I’m here to support them.

Summary : No need, I think.

Ship : Negan x Lucille

Words : 3832

Warnings : Death, baby’s death, suicidal thoughts, violence, curses.

Tag : @itsneganslucille - @heartfulloffandoms - @smuttwd - @negans-dirty-girl - @fuck-yeah-lets-do-negan-ff - @negans-network - @autumnjade22 and @backseat-negan

***

The night had already fallen. The storm was raging outside, the wind shaking the windows. Lucille was sitting on her bed, a series of cushions behind her back to support her. Her shirt was raised as she gently caressed her belly, a smile on her lips. She sometimes felt hits and with every given stroke, she let a laugh escape. The night was disturbed by the storm, but it wasn’t in the least. She was in her bubble, enjoying this intimate moment with her future child. Their future child. She smiled even more, thinking of the man she loved most in the world : Negan. After a series of troubles as well against their families who hated them and in their couple, nothing could separate them. They were like magnets. They were attracted, they went to the one and the other without having control of their bodies. They couldn’t be separated more than a day, directly feeling the unbearable lack of the other. They had known each other for three years. The more days passed, the more Lucille loved the man of dirty character but who had a good heart and who was like a teddy bear inside of him. Now they’re ready to become parents, the darkness being on the verge of evaporating from the birth of their little daughter. It gave them a glimmer of hope, as much to him as to her. They were like souls wounded by too much unrequited pain. They wandered aimlessly until they finally found each other, falling back at each fall. The news of the child had been like a bomb of joy for Negan. When Lucille had spoken to him tremblingly, he had been silent for a moment before making a big smile on his face, tears in the corner of his eyes. And he had just jumped into her arms crying all the tears in his body, happy with those words. Lucille couldn’t lie. She had been stunned at first. Negan had repeated tirelessly that he didn’t want a child. But she had been so happy and without realizing it, she found herself tightening him tightly in her arms, tears running down her cheeks. Lucille came out of her thoughts and saw, without much astonishment, her husband came in the dark room, his hair dripping with water. “Damn shit. Son of a bitch. If he hadn’t restrained me, I would have been here before this fucking storm of shit would begin”. “Hello to you too”. Negan turned to Lucille and a gentle smile settled on his flashing face. He took off his leather jacket and headed for the large blood-red bed and finally sat down next to Lucille, who still held a hand gently caressing her enormous stomach.

He leaned down to lay a kiss on her lips, which she replied with pleasure. He smiled above her before settling comfortably beside her, lying down in his place.

“How are you ?” “I'm fine, better than you anyway”. “It's my boss. This bastard kept me in the office because I knocked on his stupid table for a fucking wage increase”, Negan said, recalling the dirty quarter of an hour he had spent. She smiled sadly. "You don’t need to do all this. We will manage”. “I want you to have everything you need”, Negan said in a very serious tone. Lucille's heart warmed after hearing it. Despite everything people said, Negan was kind and cared about those he loved. She was unfortunately the only one to realize it. Negan looked at his wife before gently putting his cold hand on Lucille's.

“How is she ?” “She’s fine. She didn’t stop beating during your absence”. “Really ?” Negan said as he passed his hand over her stomach, probably trying to feel something. He lowered his head under Lucille's surprised eyes and glued his ear against her round belly. “Hello, my little angel”. Lucille laughed slightly, but was moved by her gesture. “Mom just told me you kicked. Y’know that it isn’t nice. But I think it's because you're as impatient as your mother”, Negan whispered with a little smirk. “Hey !” Protested Lucille. “But I'm sure you'll be as beautiful and kind as she’s”. He put his rough lips on her stomach. Lucille sighed but smiled in spite of herself. Negan lay down again near Lucille, keeping his hand on her belly to gently caress it. She dropped her head on his man's shoulder, a small smile on her lips. “I can’t wait any longer”. “Neither do I”, Negan retorted sincerely. They remained silent for a minute, listening to the sound of the rain hammering against the windows. Negan's body trembled near her. He was cold but he said nothing. As usual. Lucille looked up at him and gave him a shoulder. “What ?” "Go take a shower. You're frozen and you're going to get sick”. “Don’t worry about me”. “Negan. Go take a shower”, repeated Lucille in a more authoritarian voice. Negan sighed and lifted his tired body out of bed. He put a quick kiss on her belly before limiting to crawl to the bathroom. He stopped at the entrance of the room. “Are you sure you'll get away without me ?” “Don’t worry about me. Go quickly to take a hot shower to after enjoy the meal I made you”. “A meal ?” He asked, frowning. “Yes, two pieces of pizza left in the microwave”, she said with all the seriousness of the world. “You're a real glutton”. “And you a real bastard”, retorted Lucille, pulling her tongue. Negan waved his hand towards her with a smile before entering the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Lucille burst out laughing before going to bed, leaving her head falling to one side. She looked at the steam on the window caused by the icy cold from the outside. She sighed, pulling the cozy blanket over her. Her eyelids became heavy and her eyes closed, falling into her own world.

***

The awakening was complicated for Lucille. She had awakened with contractions and the urge to vomit. She didn’t normally have to worry but it had already happened several times that she had abnormal pains in her lower abdomen and back pain. Negan was on a day off so he took advantage of it to take care of her. This morning, he noticed her pale and nauseous complexion and despite her protests, Negan categorically refused to leave her alone. She had to abandon in front of her husband's stubbornness. So she had been in bed all day. Negan prepared the meals and brought them in a tray back to their room. But the nausea was so present that she didn’t want to swallow anything. Negan was worried but she assured him that everything was fine. She didn’t want to worry him for nothing. It was her first pregnancy so it was normal for her to be stressed and worried about the slightest pain. But sometimes, Lucille couldn’t help but wonder if she shouldn’t go to the doctor, check that everything was okay. The next day came too quickly to her liking. She was exhausted. She hadn’t closed the eyes of the night. She hadn’t stopped to turn in the bed, the pains having redoubled intensity. But she said nothing. “You should eat something”. “I told you I was fine”. “No, you're not doing well”. That is to say, she tried to say nothing. Negan knew her more than anyone else and saw in her as in an open book. So hiding something from him was difficult. “Negan, I assure you I'm fine”, said Lucille for the umpteenth time. “You barely eat yesterday and now, you refuse your favorite dish”. “I'm not hungry, that's all”, retorted Lucille taking a book placed beside her. She opened the book and began to read holding it with one hand, the other busy gently rubbing her hidden belly under the blanket. Negan creaked his teeth and suddenly took the book out of her hands.

“Hey ! Give it to me !” “Why are you hiding something from me ?” “I don’t hide anything from you. Now, give me this book”, she said, reaching out to recover it. Negan moved the book away from her range so she had to get up to recuperate it. But as soon as she got up, the pain came back violently, causing her to lie down in a moan of complaint. Negan threw the book on the floor and rushed over it. “Fucking shit, it hurts”. “Are you okay ?” Negan asked where she felt anxiety in his voice. Tears pierced the corner of Lucille's eyes and nodded her head. “Don’t worry”. “Yes, I'm worried. Now, you better fucking telling me what's going on”. Lucille stared at Negan before turning her head. She made herself at ease, Negan helping her by putting the cushions back in place. The pain had disappeared, which reassured her. She remained silent for a moment, looking at the window where they could hear a bird twittering joyfully. “I think we should go to a doctor”. Lucille's words hit Negan full force. His heart beat louder against his chest as he approached his wife, fear distorting his features. “What do you mean by that ?” "I'm not saying it's serious but.. I want to make sure everything is okay”, Lucille whispered, without leaving her eyes out of the window. Negan swallowed with difficulty. He placed his hand on Lucille's, drawing her attention to him. “We'll go tomorrow morning”. She didn’t answer and merely agreed. Negan ran a hand over his face before sighing. “Eat at least. If you don’t want to do it for me, do it for the baby”. Lucille observed his face marked by the past and could only yield. “Okay. You won”. “Thank you honey”. Negan put a kiss on her forehead and stood up, taking his leather jacket from the gray armchair.

“Eat and rest. I'll go get some stuff at the supermarket”. “Okay”. Negan nodded before heading toward the door. He stopped to turn to the young woman, a finger pointed at her. “If you need me, call me directly”. “Go ahead before it closes”. "Lucille". “Yes ! Yes ! Okay, I promise”, she said, raising her hands to show that she had understood the message. Negan looked pleased, his eternal smile on his face, a smile she loved very much. He finally left the room. Lucille sighed and took the tray on the bedside table. A large pasta dish with cheese. He knew how to make her happy. Lucille took her fork and swallowed a mouthful of her meal. She waved her head, a smile on her lips. “Too good !” She whispered, taking a second bite which was larger this time. Negan was back an hour after leaving the house. He stowed all the commissions he had made and walked down the corridor to reach the room. Lucille had eaten everything and had fallen asleep to the side. He approached her with a smile. He could see her chest up and down, sleeping peacefully. He took off his jacket and threw it on the armchair it had left an hour ago. He sat down on the edge of the bed, watching the young woman from the corner of his eyes. He sighed and plunged his face into his hands, unable to ignore the fear that had been insinuated into him.

***

“I tell you it's okay. I know him since a long time”. “I’ll not leave you alone with a fucking man I don’t know”. “I know him”, Lucille sighed, annoyed. They were in the hospital, as Negan had planned. After the best day of rest Lucille had had so far, Negan and she had quickly found themself heading for the place she hated most. This place reminded her of too many bad memories. And then it was a strange place where despair and hope stood hands tightens, where death and life lived in the same place. It wasn’t an enjoyable place but she had to do it. The door opened to let in a man in a white coat, whom Lucille directly recognized as one of his father's friends.

“Sorry for the time I took. I was busy with another patient”. “It's me that must apologize if you have to examine me. My gynecologist is on vacation”. “Don’t worry, Lucille”, he retorted with a smile. He bowed and kissed her on the cheek before getting up straight and rubbing his hands.

“Are you ready ? Perfect. Let's look at all this”. He advanced towards Lucille and stopped to turn to Negan. He nodded at the door. “Sir, you must go out”. “I will not get out of here”. “Negan, come out here please”, demanded Lucille. Negan clenched his teeth and nodded before getting out of the room. This lasted a while. Negan walked from right to left, unable to prevent fear enveloping him as time went on. He sat, elbows on his knees, shaking them lightly to relieve him. The door suddenly opened. He stood up directly and saw the doctor in front of him, probing his face in search of some information. “Lucille told me you were her husband”. “Yes. So, what are the results ?” Negan asked directly. The doctor remained silent for a moment. “Lucille must stay here for a moment”. The news hit Negan full force. He opened his eyes wide, the incomprehension painted on his face. He shook his head, incredulous at the man’s words. “What do you want to say by that ?” “Sir, there seems to be some.. difficulties with her pregnancy”. “What difficulties ? Fuck, be clearer than that !” Negan retorted angrily, his teeth clenched. “It seems that your woman is suffering from the retro placental hematoma, so a detachment of the placenta, which is very dangerous for the baby”,  the old man replied vehemently to Negan's words. “What do you mean ?” Negan asked as he felt his throat drying out, not even paying attention to his vexed expression. “There’s a large part of the placenta that has taken off. The placenta is the link between Lucille and your child. It turns out that a large part of the placenta has taken off and it’s therefore more difficult to supply oxygen and feed her because a clot has formed”.

Negan sighed as he passed his hands under his glasses to rub his eyes, panic now occupying his entire body. “Is there any way.. to save her ?” Negan said with difficulty. “There’s really no remedy, if I may say so. Lucille must just make as little effort as possible, she must rest a maximum. Staying here will allow me to follow her carefully”. Negan shook his head. It was too much informations at the same time. He blamed himself for not having noticed all this earlier. But he couldn’t help but blame Lucille. She had the unfortunate habit of hiding what she felt, both physically and mentally. One of the few flaws Negan had trouble with. “Sir, don’t worry. If she’s well followed, there’s no reason for something to go wrong”, said suddenly the man to reassure him at best. Negan stood motionless before shaking his head. He sighed.

“Can I go into the room to see her ?”

“Not for the moment. All these tests exhausted her and with the tension she had, I wish she relaxed a little”. Negan pressed his lips and nodded again. He took his coat jacket off the seat and turned. “Take care of her while I'm not here”, Negan murmured, his back turned to the doctor. The other didn’t answer and saw Negan walk away in the corridor with the white tiles, the atmosphere suddenly become heavy.

***

Negan couldn’t sleep. The bed was empty and his wife's place cold. Every time he touched the bed to touch her, he felt disappointment and sadness fill him. Moreover, the informations received earlier didn’t help him. He imagined scenarios, his eyes staring at the ceiling. And he couldn’t stop the tears in his eyes, feeling the pain in his chest. He didn’t want to lose either the child or the woman he loved more than anything else in the world. It was his rays of sunshine, his reason to make him get up every morning with a smile on his lips. But that would be the reason for his destruction because he didn’t want to receive another knife, breaking his heart which had to be repaired in the past. He grunted and turned to the side, closing his eyes as he tried to keep away his evil thoughts that apparently didn’t stop from haunting him.

***

 “Are you sure you're okay ?” “Yes, I'm better now that you're here”. The woman smiled at his man, who didn’t even make a grimace. She frowned with astonishment. She planned to put her hand on his arm when he suddenly released it, the anger distorting his features. “Why don’t you tell me ?” Lucilla opened her mouth but no sound came out. She closed it and put her eyes on the bland blanket, feeling now the guilt weighed on her shoulders. “I'm sorry, Negan”. “Now, you’re sorry ?!” Negan shouted, knocking on the table beside him. She jumped and cast a guilty look at Negan. He was red with anger and before she could say anything, he sighed and collapsed on the back of the chair, a hand on his forehead. “Tell me the next time you're not well”. Lucille looked up at him and nodded, still feeling the pain in her chest. They remained silent for the rest of the time, both too busy sailing in their thoughts. Night fell and Negan, after being asked to sign all the necessary documents, went to have a coffee and remained at the bedside of Lucille who had fallen asleep, the authorization having been given to him. It was 11:48 pm. The room was silent, the light of the moon illuminating it with its soft light. Negan was desperately keeping his eyes open. He saw blurry and as he yawned, he let his head fall to the side, closing his eyes by the fatigue that had just shattered him. His hand fell to the side as Lucille began to move, grumbling in her sleep. She moaned in pain, turning on the bed holding her stomach. Tears began to appear at the corners of her eyes. She opened her eyes, leaving tears running down her cheeks to finally go on the cushion.

Negan was still asleep since he had a heavy sleep. Lucille stretched out her hand to pat his knee unsuccessfully. She bit her lip as another wave of pain returned. She stopped a sob that had wanted to escape from her lips. Lucille put a hand on her mouth, feeling oddly something flowing between her legs. “Shit..” She rubbed her feet on the mattress, the blanket wrapped around her. “Negan.. Wake up”, she murmured. Without success. “Negan.. Negan, please”. Negan moved slightly to turn to the side, sighing. Lucille bit her lip to restrain her sobs, but when the pain came back more violently, she could no longer. “ Negan ! Wake up, please !” Lucille yelled out in pain. “Negan !” She begged, holding her stomach. Negan awoke with a start and got up directly on hearing Lucille's tears. “Lucille, what's going on ?” “Negan, it hurts. I'm horribly wrong” , Lucille cried, taking Negan's tattooed arm. “Don’t worry, baby. I'll.. I'll call the doctor”. Lucille squeezed Negan's arm, pushing her nails into his skin as she yelled out in agony. Her screams didn’t stop. Negan was in panic, feeling his heart rising in his throat as he saw the blood on the bed. He couldn’t prevent the tears in his eyes. He remained petrified. Steps were heard in the corridor. The door opened abruptly to let in the doctor he had seen, and the nurses. He was pushed out of the way, hearing the man giving orders to what had to be done. Lucille had to let go of Negan's arm, crying in pain and not knowing how to stop. They took Lucille's bed and took her out to the operating room. Negan had become deaf. His lips parted, he saw Lucille pass in front of him, her mouth open to make her suffering hear. He could see only the lips moved but he heard no sound. Everything was silent. And as his mind shouted to him to go see her, to be near the woman he loved, his legs led him out, pushing the doors with force to get out of this place that stinks despair and death .