#speakmindfully

*50% hopes you read this, 50% hopes you don’t. I don’t know if I want you to read this or not, but I’ll leave it to chance. I don’t know what it will do, if it’ll make you retreat farther from me, or reach out to me.. I don’t expect you to reach out to me, now or in the near future. But if you don’t reach out, maybe you’re reading it, and that’s good enough for me. I kind of like thinking you read my thoughts here. Yet I also feel that since I haven’t posted in forever that you won’t check. I’m free to say whatever I want. it’s completely raw and free.*

What do you do when you can’t talk to the person who got you through everything? What do you do when you know you’ve hurt the person that is the most dearest thing to your heart? What do you do when you feel like the most fucked up monster in existence? 

God I wish I could talk to you. You’d tell me exactly how I feel, what my feelings mean, the best advice. That’s the worst of all of this. The fact that the one person I’d go to in these very situations is gone now. I know I was the one to call a break for now, but it hurts so much it feels like I’M the one that got the bullet. I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling.. God I feel sick thinking about it. You must feel sick.. and angry.. and every awful thing I’m feeling x5. I wish I could talk to you about it. How much I’m sorry, how much I wish you’ll forgive me and one day be able to still call me your best friend as I’ll always call you mine.

I don’t even know how I’m feeling. Half of me says “just let time do it’s work, you’ll have a clear head without running emotions, and you’ll know what the right thing for you is” while the other half says “What the fuck did you do, quick maybe you can still save this, you’ve made a grave mistake, he’s the love of your life you can’t do this” as if someone was drowning and I’m the lifeguard trying to give CPR.

I’ve never had to do something like this before, and I never want to again. I never want to do this again. I feel like I was forced to give up a child, and in a metaphorical sense I guess I did. I had to give up my baby for awhile.. I don’t know for how long,  but fuck does it hurt. I replaced my pillow cover with a towel so I don’t go through boxes of tissues #ecofriendly and I feel so painfully lethargic. He’s the love of my life. 

I’m just having all sorts of stressors happen in my life and I needed to just be alone for right now. We talked about it briefly when I got home from France, and I’d missed him too much to break it off then. Things were just okay, I was in a post-trip depression and he got upset. After we got through that things were great. Things were shaping up so well, we went on the Wallops trip and I ruined it for him by being a bump on a log, and he was my balloon. Everything seemed amazing, but when we kissed I felt lust, when we hung out I felt deep friendship. I started feeling like more ‘friends with benefits’ than ‘in-love couple’. Maybe I mistook the friendship feeling of comfort to an extreme and figured ‘it only feels life friendship, not romantic love’. as well as thinking 'what I’m feeling right now is lust not love’. I don’t know, but whatever it was that I was feeling in those moments didn’t seem fair to him when I reflected on it.

I don’t ever want to cause him harm. He’s my best friend in the whole world. I don’t know what I’ve done, or how much I regret it, but in this very moment, 12:01am on October 19th, I regret the fuck out of it. I’m not at all afraid to say that I still love him. Of course I do, I always will. But that just makes you think “If you love him why’d you break it off?” Because I need a wake up call in my life. I need to separate from everything and sort out my shit. I figured, I’d been on the edge of yes & no for a few weeks, I’d said yes and I still felt on the fence, so now I’m saying no, I have to leave for awhile. I have to, to feel it. To really just fix my shit and organize my life.

I’ll always love him. I just hope that if I come back, he doesn’t reject the fuck out of me.. He says whatever my decision was was absolutely final. As in he wouldn’t come back, there’s nothing left for him; but I hope 5 years of friendship and two of relationship would be enough to keep him in my life if I go back. I know you’re thinking “so you’re saying  to him wait here for me until I get my life together and then i’ll bring you back?’ but no, i’m not saying that. I know it sounds like I’m (as he said once) “book-marking” him. I’m not, I feel like I need solitude and rest from a relationship to do some reflecting and stuff, but I don’t know if I’ve made a mistake. I feel like breaking off is the only way to truly know. It’s not like this is a game and I’m breaking this off in order to take data about how I feel and expect to be taken back with “i missed you’s” and kisses. If life brings  me back I expect resentment and possible rejection and anger... It’s like going on a spontaneous trip my yourself. You think about taking a trip but don’t think you will, then one day just wake up, buy tickets, and leave that same day without really telling anyone. Then, once it’s too late you’re forced to reflect on it on the plane ride. You know you wouldn’t have the balls to do it any other moment but that moment, so you just do it, and deal with the reprecussions instead of just imagining what they could be while you’re still sitting in your kitchen thinking about whether or not you should even go. Does that sound bad? I feel like I had to do it in order to realize whether or not it was the right move.

I need to have had time to feel what it’s like without him, and I don’t mean like on the France trip when I was only not physically present. I needed to just fully cut the rope to really know. I need loud wake-up calls, so i set an alarm for myself by doing this, so hopefully I’ll hear it ring and i’ll know what’s best for me. 

This must all sound like a sick selfish game, I can just see it now... If you’re reading this, by now you’re probably like “this is exactly why I’m tired of her. The selfish game shit like this. She does this crap and doesn’t think about how it impacts other people, it’s selfish and it’s mean” God I can just see how upset you must be... interpreting all this. Please don’t be mad. I’m not playing with your emotions, I’m doing something to fix myself. I guess it is selfish, I guess I am selfish.. I don’t want to be, but I guess my actions and reasons behind them just are.. and that’s a tough pill to swallow. You’re a more humbled person than I am I guess. it is me that’s the issue right now. You’ve been nothing but perfect these past few weeks, I just had to be a cold selfish bitch.. I feel as though some unknown force took over me and forced me to do it because I know in my heart I couldn’t just off us. You mean the goddamn universe to me Edgar I can’t just leave that, this is just one of those things I feel moved to do and I don’t know what else to do.