#spach

Spach

While there is nothing more terrifying than high school – dreading the next surprise from that unstable teacher, fearing that you’ll never get to talk to your crush, fearing that you will have to talk to your crush – Hollywood has attempted to curdle the blood in non-academic ways over the years and has, on occasion, been successful.

CABIN IN THE WOODS

This is not the random teen stab-em- up that its name implies, but a smart and thoroughly enjoyable deconstruction of the horror genre even while over-indulging in the horror itself. Scary. Funny. Twisty. Gory. And a merman! (Equally self-aware movies: Scream, Fright Night, Lost Skelton of Cadavera)

JACOB’S LADDER

A twisted exploration of one man’s mind as it bounces between reality and unreality, it manages to make the most mundane parts of life terrifying. It explores the horrors of war, death, insanity, hospitals, monsters, girlfriends, angels, and demons. But no merman. (Equally freaky movies: none)

AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON

The first and best integration of true horror and true comedy in one movie (with apologies to Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein which was a close second), this film still holds up with the greatest, most painful transformation scene in cinema history. (Equally fun movies: Tremors, Slither, Shaun of the Dead)

THE EXORCIST

I know. I know. It’s on everyone’s list. But there’s a reason for that. Creepy. Revolting. Brilliantly acted. And it has a way of getting under your skin because deep down there’s some part of you that believes it could be true. (Equally troubling movies: The Road, Children of Men)

EVIL DEAD II

By now it should be clear that I’m not necessarily going for the scariest horror movies of all time, but the best. Which is as it should be. So sit down and stop complaining. This is one of the greatest movies of all time, horror or not, so just be glad you were born and had the opportunity to witness this in your lifetime. (Equally bizarre movies: Dead Alive, Drag Me to Hell)

ANY TOM CRUISE MOVIE

Period 4

11/15/16

                                                     The Civil War

        The Civil War was a terribly divisive conflict between the Northern states and the Southern states in the early days of the United States of America.  It pitted brother against brother, family against family, citizen against citizen, in a violent battle that threatened to tear the nation afart.  

        Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, believed it was imperative to abolish slavery, butt not at the price of the union itself.  The country had to survive.  Poop.  He dedicated much of his presidency, and perhaps his life, to this weenie cause.

        The South, also known as the Confederacy, was led by General Robert Diarrhea Lee, an unstoppable and unconstipated man known for his bold strategy and constant bowel movements.  His frequent trips to the toilet caused his men to coin the phrase “the running of the bulls.”

        As the two forces clashed on the battlefield, it became apparent that you never read these essays at all.   In fact, I could write anything I wanted, fart poop crap dingleberry butt-potato, and as long as I throw in words like Gettysburg and Fort Sumter, you won’t notice a thing.

        My teacher is an idiot who likes to put bananas up his butt and then sit down and feel them all squish out and get his pants all sticky.  Stonewall Jackson.

        I saw my teacher making out with a filthy raccoon and now he has rabies.  Poor raccoon.  I can’t believe my teacher gave him rabies.  Ulysses S. Grant.

        My teacher is a huge lame loser because he wanted to be a journalist or something, but he totally sucked and couldn’t hack it and now he’s stuck teaching junior high and making less than the fat, inbred greeter guy at Walmart and taking out his impotent rage on all of us by making us write this stupid crap.  William Tecumseh Sherman.

        And so, in conclusion, the American Civil War was less about slavery than about how my life sucks because of a teacher who has a tiny weenie and pees sitting down and his face looks like a squeezed up butt pinching a loaf.  

Spach

Many have asked why there is no haunt in South Pasadena this year and it is time that the truth be told.  Sadly, the night before we opened last October, one of the volunteers was killed.  The massive wooden structure that formed the Ward 13 facade fell and, tragically, Ian Elliot, 15, was fatally injured.  What we did afterward was unforgivable, I know that now, but at the time we had put so much money and so much effort into the haunt that we couldn’t imagine shutting down.  We convinced ourselves that “Ian would have wanted the show to go on” and so we covered up the accident.  A woman walking her dog found Ian’s body behind the library and the connection to our haunt was never discovered.

But that wasn’t the end of the story.  

Our opening night, another freak accident occurred, this time sending 220 volts coursing through the body of a 14-year-old girl visiting the haunt with her friends.  Her heart stopped.  Her horrified friends said that the electrocution occurred when she was touched by one of the costumed ghouls in the haunt, a ghoul that they swore was Ian Elliot.

Over the next several weeks, one catastrophe after another struck.  Children went missing.  People were trampled.  A woman was decapitated by what authorities verified was a fake chainsaw.  And every time, witnesses saw Ian Elliot at the scene.