#spacerage

spacerage

i'll protect you

this is based on a fanfic oneshot collection. it's a ship i requested, here's the chapter of spacerage: dandy's world's oneshot: spacerage chapter

  I had this amazing experience today. I mean more amazing than going to see Halsey live with the girl that I thought I really liked. It was better than going to Disney for the first time. It was better than getting high for the first time and in the future, I hope it will be better than wanting to get drunk. I took a step today that I should have honestly taken a while ago, but I took it today on February 19, 2018. I made the decision to officially want to better myself…for myself. I’ve done a lot of things in my life for other people, but this step is all about me. 

Me and me alone.

  I went to AA for the first time today. I was more than nervous about what would happen at a meeting, so I watched a video on Youtube about what usually happens at an AA meeting. While the video did in fact give me a clue of what to expect at my first meeting; it didn’t tell me how much better one feels after taking that first step. There was no pressure to share, no judgment, and everyone there understood what it meant to be an alcoholic. It was the most comforting feeling in the world to hug a stranger who had similar issues.

It wasn’t weird.

It wasn’t staged.

It just was.

And it was where I wanted to be more than where I needed to be.

  This journey that I’m about to take is scary of course, but one thing I learned at AA is the fact that I am not alone in this journey. There were 10 other people that want me to stay sober as much as I want to. They didn’t treat alcoholism like it was no big deal. They treated it for what it is…a disease and while some people don’t believe it to be one. It is. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I want is a beer. It doesn’t have to be cold, my favorite brand, or even unopened. I just want a beer when I wake up. I want one for lunch and dinner as well, but I never just have one. One is the loneliest number in the world. Instead of one…I want the whole pack. When the whole pack isn’t enough…I want more. 

I drink until I can’t feel anything. 

I drink until I can’t remember. 

I drink until I’m no longer the person that my friends and family recognize. 

I drink until I think I like myself again.

  I don’t drink for fun…I drink for life. I drink to get up. I drink to keep going. I drink to go to sleep. I drink to get drunk and that’s my mindset when I wake up. I can survive for a period without it which made me think I wasn’t an alcoholic, but that’s not what that means. When I drink I have no control over it…it’s controlling me. To understand that fact is to understand that if alcohol is controlling your life then you’re suffering from alcoholism.  I can better understand that while I thought I may have had it under control…that was far from the truth. 

My name is Nataiya and I’m an alcoholic. 

My name is Nataiya and I’m a daughter, granddaughter, niece, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, lover, fighter, writer, and most importantly…I’m still here.

  This important step for me comes at a bittersweet moment as I lost my Uncle Mike earlier this evening, but he’s proud of me. So are both grannies he’s up there hanging out with. In a way I think Uncle Mike dying on this very day is a sign and I don’t always believe in signs. That text message pushed me to put my motives in action and for that Uncle Mike I thank you. I’ll miss you Uncle Mike, but like I told grandma…I promise to do something better with my life. I promise to be that person that you see. 

I promise this not to you, but to myself.

Counting Crows’ Colorblind in my opinion is about someone letting you be who are in your skin. Which is exactly how I felt today and it’s a glorious feeling.

  Things in our life break and it’s as simple as that. Sometimes our broken things can be mended and sometimes they cannot. That’s just apart of life, but what does that mean when the thing that is broken is your spirit? Quick lesson if you happened to forget what spirit means. I’m not talking about ghosts, angels, demons, or the Holy Spirit. I’m referring to the spirit that connects the body and soul (metaphysically at least). The spirit that refers to your consciousness or personality. The spirit that could quite possibly make you who you are. When that breaks…are you still you? While I still feel like me there’s no doubt in my mind that something inside me is broken. Out of all the things that one could allow to break their spirit…a job should not be one, but here I am talking to you about me and broken spirit. 

  I allowed something so minuscule to break something so utterly important to who I am as a person and when I got out of bed this morning I had no intention to feel this way. I’m allowed to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or mistreated, but to feel the breaking that I felt today is not allowed. The ultimate reason this happened is that I always care too much. Always…always…always. It’s just my personality which is hard to change when you’ve acted a certain way for so long, but it’s not impossible to change. My freshman year of college I wrote a paper entitled “People Don’t Change” and at that time I honestly believed that people don’t change. That paper was written eight years ago and at 25 I’m faced with having to change who I’m used to being. 

  I’ve been putting so much time, energy, and ultimately spirit into something that I don’t want. Something that leaves me feeling more frustrated with my own life than I’ve ever been. I shook a hand four years ago and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. You spend four years in high school. You spend four years in undergrad. What you don’t spend four years in is a place that is the total opposite of what you wanted. Complacency is the devil and whoever tells you it’s not is a dirty liar (though I don’t think any liar is a clean one). Complacency and I started dating back in 2012 and it’s about time we broke up don’t you think so? Complacency is by far the worst partner I’ve dated, but the problem with her is that she’s so fucking easy! She’s a lying whore and when you let her into your life she’s doesn’t wanna break up and she insists on not moving on. The only way to get rid of her is to start sleeping with her sister Discontent. 

  When you meet Discontent you start to see things in your life differently. You can only be unhappy for so long before you start to lose your spirit. I met Discontent this afternoon and while she may be a great guide for the future…when I met her I just didn’t like her (I also didn’t like most of my friends when I met them either). She and I are going to go on a few dates before things get better in my life. The saying goes ‘it gets worse before it gets better.’ So if you’ve made it this far to the 564th word and you’re wondering if your Tay Tay is going to okay…well I’m here to tell you that she will. She most absolutely will just fine. 

  While I feel like my spirit is broken it will not be that way forever. I used to think I would never get over Banana Rama Man, but hey I stopped counting the days since he had broke up with me eventually. I used to think that Green Eyes would rule my heart forever, but it’s gotten a lot easier to let go (though it’s still a work in progress I don’t feel the same way I felt six months ago). I used to think that I would never be anything other than the cook, but now I’m going to have to see myself as something else. Something greater. Something meaningful. Something that Complacency can’t get to. I’ll be just fine…scout’s honor (I was never a girl scout cause I wasn’t getting in that skirt...I just wanted the cookies).

  M83 says it better than anyone else and to me this song about holding on and reigning the mind set you once had to aspire to be great.

“Send your dreams Where nobody hides

Give your tears To the tide

There’s no end There is no goodbye

Disappear With the night”

I'll help ya, ya sorry son of a bitch!