#soutar

I HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER BY NOW <33 and thank you so much for your kind words 🥺

chrollo is quicker to catch on to your impending illness than you are. there's nothing about you he misses; even the most minute details are noted and scrutinized. his upbringing helps explain this vigilance. the destitute conditions of meteor city, paired with the lack of a healthcare system and scarce medical supplies made most illnesses a death wish, even those treatable by 21st-century standards. along every corner, it wasn't uncommon to see people wasting away, emaciated and begging for death, which seemed to take pleasure in denying them their final reprieve. no one ever formally taught him to identify symptoms, it's just knowledge one must intuit to have a fighting chance in that sorry city.

while he doesn't celebrate your sickness, there's no denying the unique opportunities it grants him. sickness is synonymous with vulnerability, you're at your most fragile and wholly reliant on him. by the time you realize you're sick, he already has an entire treatment plan in mind. if need be, he'll consult machi, but he's pretty confident he can handle everything himself. at first, you're understandably hesitant to follow his instructions, especially when he introduces pharmaceuticals. he'll calmly explain what everything is for, the potential side effects, et cetera. if you refuse to ingest anything he gives you and your condition isn't life-threatening, he won't force the matter. he will give you this disconcerting smile and comment on how this means he gets to take care of you even longer. the remark has its intended effect — you're snatching the medication and swallowing it before he can say anything else.

he mellows down his probing questions and any other behavior he knows you find upsetting. while this is partly because he wants you to be comfortable in an otherwise unpleasant situation, there's something in it for him to. he finds your inner conflict amusing. you start off suspicious, glaring at him like a stray cat, so certain he's up to no good. he can't fault you for your prejudice, since it's his fault it exists. nonetheless, he never pulls anything untoward, which has the ironic effect of increasing your vigilance. it's like you're waiting for a blow that will never come. this paranoia is especially prevalent if you've been stuck with him a long time. the cognitive dissonance of watching the greatest thorn in your side tend to you so lovingly is not so easily overcome.

You already said your favourite books, but I'm curious about who your favourite author you would say is, like in general, and what is it that encourages you most to write?

omg you always have the best questions, i know it's taken me ages to respond to this but i plan on going back and answering some others that you've sent in!! they always get my brain whirring into action!!

i'd say that my favorite authors are fyodor dostoevsky, anne carson and shirley jackson. they've consistently written pieces that amaze and move me. dostoevsky's vast knowledge of the human psyche and theology, shirley jackson's haunting prose, and anne carson... i struggle to put into words the emotions i experience when reading anything by her. it's like being punched in the gut line after line yet i keep crawling back for more. i often return to her her translation of kassandra's prophecy in agamemnon by aeschylus on a frequent basis. it's just pure brilliance.

hello!!! thank you so much, it means a lot to hear that you enjoy my depiction of yan chrollo 🥺 thank you thank you!!

you pose an interesting question ... i'd say that studying psychology has probably had a minor influence on my depiction of yanderes? understanding the biological underpinnings of anxiety is helpful (e.g. the fear network model), but not absolutely necessary knowledge imo. i could see how it might add a degree of realism. it's difficult to parse out since every life experience regardless of how major or minor has some influence on how we write.

if i had to pinpoint what i believe to be the greatest influences in my writing i'd say they'd be:

a very christian upbringing

for better or for worse my writing is infected with biblical imagery and themes. i grew up in the church and have had to study the bible my entire life so all that's just crammed into my noggin, ready to slip into my writing without me even noticing half the time.

love of horror media/gothic literature

i just adore the horror genre and voraciously consume anything relating to it, whether it be video games, movies, books, or anything in between. i do think that the gothic genre has played the most significant role in my approach to writing. specifically, the language, themes, and motifs.

anxiety