This sounds like a promising idea to pursue right now.

Maybe I can interview bands and musicians and educate them on the psychological aspects of music, like how the brain processes it. And the artists can help me understand what their perspective is on mental illness and on what kinds of people have the musician-inclined brain.

So that’s the idea for now. It just needs some polishing.

I have not been known to be a patient person.

So that fact that this THIS is still an unknown project is a little frustrating.

It’s going to matter to me and at least one other human BECAUSE IT’S GOT TO.

Musicians, and creative people, are more likely to commit suicide. But, there has been minimal research done on this relationship.

So I really believe this needs to be talked about.

But I’m just one human.

And what does talking about it mean, anyway?

Do I try interviewing bands? Do I just try to find research on this relationship or??? Do I help people who are struggling with mental illness or their mental health find bands and musicians who discuss these topics in their songwriting?

Does anyone even want someone who does that?

And who am I to do that?

Is strong. It just keeps getting bigger.

But I’m trying.

While this blog is basically currently becoming a therapy blog for myself, I promise it intends to grow into something more worthwhile.

That being said,

I am starting to realize that when I’m on the brink of a bad depression, the smallest thing becomes my last emotional straw that breaks me. I hit a parked car today.

It ruined my day.

I still feel awful.

I want to never leave the house again, I want to avoid myself somehow, I want to cease to exist.

But I’ve felt this way so many times. I know it’s my depression talking. I know it will pass. But at the same time, I have a voice telling me that’s not what it is not this time and blah blah blah.

I know it IS the depression though.

But my brain doesn't believe it.

I hate feeling so disconnected from myself.

My family members are all sick. My one good friend has been mean to me all day. I have no one to talk to. So I’m here. Saying I will survive my stupid brain somehow. I might be hardly sleeping, I might not feel any motivation to do much of anything and I may have no emotions of joy pretty much ever anymore but I BELIEVE I will one day. I’m just not there yet... again. I need some good therapy and a med adjustment. But until that’s possible I’ll do my best everyday and sometimes that's going to be pretty shitty.

I believe in this project even though I’m not quite sure what it is still.

But my sister’s soul WILL change the future or I’ll die trying.

Stay strong

Since I am having this lack of feeling again, I am starting to question everything in my life that I do.

Today I started the task of seeking research on whether musicians are more likely to A) suffer from mental illness and B) commit suicide.

If both of these are true than it is worthwhile to ask why? It is even more important to ask how to change this.

I keep mentioning that my one sister killed herself several months ago. I feel the need to consistently mention her as she inspired me to find direction in life and in with this project.

This blog is helpful to keep her memory alive and for me to say goodbye a little more each day.

I feel the best way to approach this whole world I am trying to create is to stick to my original inspiration: my sister’s suicide and my love of music. And my belief music heals people especially when it comes to mental health.

I want to connect musicians and music lovers and the mental health mental illness discussion together. I want this blog/project/idea to help people. Help someone discover an artist that gets their  unique perspective.

But how do I do that?

Can I even do it alone?

Can I even figure out where this is heading?

I’m a girl who can barely go to her job who got her BA almost a year ago who hasn't achieved any of my real dreams. I just want to feel like I am trying again. I’m going to mix my love of research and music together to find artist’s that are doing new things in music and artists that are open to exploring topics around mental health or illness in their lyrics. I want to find people who can really help their listeners.

I want to know every part of an artist’s songwriting process.

I want to inspire a new generation of musicians despite me not being much of a musician myself.

I also want to inspire people who struggle with a chronic physical illness and who have had to alter their life dream because of it.

 I want to help all of the people who are like my sister or who are like me to find a new path in life. And to stay strong.

One day at a time I am going to try and work towards this. I don’t really know where to start. But that's my goal. Make her memory an antidote.