.cleanin' out my closet
Lately I've been getting these little motivational spurts that actually turn out successful; I'll have a sudden brainstorm and need to start writing, I'll constantly think about working out & actually follow through. Today the cleaning bug hit. What I was originally intending to do was locate my camera charger, and I ended up cleaning out 3 egg boxes worth of material. Which is good, for the long run-this will make it easier for us when moving day finally arrives.
A lot of it, I'm embarrassed to say, was old mail; catalogs, bills & statements that I haphazardly glanced at and then discarded (out of sight-out of mind was my thinking at the time) During my search I did come across a collection of cards & letters from Her. Endless pleas to write her, please call, please can I move in with you. Declarations of love that sounded heartfelt to her, but are quite similar to what I pronounce to my fiance and are therefore creepy considering the relationship between myself & said person. Even threats disguised as love to take my dog away.
I didn't get those letters that long ago, so I'm trying to reflect back on my thinking at the time to justify why I saved them. Perhaps I was still feeling a small bit of affection towards Her, and couldn't bear to discard them quite yet. I do know that my first reaction was to laugh, because at this point nothing She did at this point surprised me. I would share them with my family & friends, and we would all have a laugh at her expense. I didn't feel regret then, and I still do not to this day. Like everything I feel regarding Her, I am numb. And given the way She has treated me, my family, and friends, this is not a bad thing. Given everything I've gone through, it's actually progress. I spent too much time & energy devoted to Her thoughts and feelings, and none to my own. I can still remember with great joy the day I felt that I could finally start living my life, without worrying about Her constantly looking over my shoulder. It was the most free I'd ever felt.
Given that I overthink every other little thing in the world, it feels very peaceful to not have to add something else to my brainplate, especially of this variety. I don't miss the anxious jump when my phone rings, or the unexpected knock at the door, peeking through the curtains, fear jumpstarting my heart-it's Her! I don't miss having to let work colleagues know about & prepare for her visit. I've heard through a family member that, for the moment, She has (for once in Her life) backed down. Stepped away. Let go and let God, is what She would say.
So today, I tossed all of her old letters and cards. No regret, no nothing at all. I did save a couple; when I write my memoir they can help me. Add in the fact that they are also evidence should anyone doubt Her personality. Not only did I feel accomplished at having cleared away this junk (finally I might add) I felt richer, in my soul, for once more letting the string go, barely feeling it slip through my fingers. It's no longer wrapped around me tight, tying me to places I don't want to be, don't want to go. Freedom. Peace. Strength. Me.
