The Manifestation (reconciliation of my EUPD GIFT)
18th December 2018- United airlines flight to Chicago- 1hr 15 mins till landing
As soon as Tanisha left me at the security gate, I was overwhelmed with the need to cry. I tried my best to hide it and failed. Deja Vu. I’ve dreamt the moment I am having as I write this. Acknowledgment. I digress. I cried. As people told me I was gorgeous, my hair was pretty and smiled at me. I struggled to wipe away the leakage. After clearing the security gate, I made a point of examining my emotional state. I should be happy, excited. I was. I was on time, paid up and ready to go. I understood at that time that my conditioning of mistreatment and misfortune had bred a fatalistic sense of being. Deep, deep down I felt like I didn’t get to treat myself like this. Bad luck was always round the corner with disaster to follow.
I realised what I was experiencing was the overwhelming sense that the spell was broken. I was grieving for the damage I had had to endure up to this point, so much so that my 18 year old cousin more or less had to hold my hand to get me to the airport and ready for my flight. I sucked it up as exited the security gate, but as soon as I made a call to Jim, I was off again. Call to Tanisha, off again. Call to Courtney, off again. Mr J made me laugh as always.
By the time I was at the departure gate and being picked to have my bags swabbed for drugs, all tears had dissipated. We are close to landing. There is a racist c**t on the other side of the isle. When I had to switch my voice from “sweet vulnerable adult” voice to my “Black woman don’t take no shit” voice when this fool wanted to pretend he couldn’t hear me repeatedly asking him to let me past, I sat on my seat and pondered.
I had almost forgotten my ability (natural, automatic and almost unconscious) to switch from one emotion state to another, accompanied by a different persona. The persona being illustrated of the depth of emotion experienced/felt. First, I understand why there is stigma around personality disorders. It is very easy for an observer, especially a bias one, to view these switches of emotion/persona as a form of manipulation and inauthenticity. Tough luck for me in one respect, under control, powerful, dare I say dangerous?
The most important and poignant understanding / discovery is that my EUPD is my super power. My ability to connect fully and deeply to the full range of my emotions from moment to moment. This is something I believe has been conditioned out of the human population which is why I appear “weird” and am stigmatised. It is my super power/ mutation that allows me to anticipate people’s thoughts, feelings. It is what makes me a good teacher, nurturer, councillor, motivator, visionary, empath.
In Westworld, Anthony Hopkin’s character proclaims that “mistakes” are the most powerful things in the universe as it is the “mistakes” that are responsible for the mutations that create evolution.
Before I left the womb, I knew abuse intimately. I was betrothed to abuse and was married to every part of it. I accepted it into my life without any resistance. I grew used to it. It was routine.
The home office happened. Now, with the help of trusted professionals, he/she (abuse) ruled me, pulled my strings, taking orders from the professionals.
I sat and talked with her/him (abuse). Explored her/him/it. Deep cleaned the wounds created from our lifetime marriage. When the food poisoning hit a few weeks ago, the healing from this exercise reached critical point. I died a thousand deaths.
The rotten parts were washed away. I came out from the other side brand new.
I let the tears fall on this plane with no shame. I AM THAT I AM.
I cry sadness for the child who suffered. I cry joy for the adult who had countless well wishes and love showered toward her for her trip. 47 mins till I land in Chicago.
I made it. I made it. Full of love
