We are in full swing basketball mode here.  Dean is playing this year for the local rec league and he’s falling in love.  Hayden is just as hard core as ever-he’s in 8th grade and playing for the school this year.  

Roy played growing up.  I swam growing up-and we’ve both coached.  I got paid to coach-it was my job, and I loved it.  I was good at it, and I know for every child I helped, I had a parent that wondered why I didn’t do this or that.  As a coach, it’s hectic to have parents sit there and coach from the sidelines.  It’s hard to have parents sit there and tell you what should and shouldn’t be done.

And as a parent-I see that side as well.  Part of it is you are removed from the situation.  You don’t have to make decisions-which child starts or swims which event.  How long that child plays or if they get to swim on a relay.  As a parent you only see the outcome, not the decisions made to try and reach said outcome.  And to be clear-any coach worth a darn is doing so because they care.  They love the sport, they care about the kids, and they want to give the kids a good experience.  A positive one.

Now, I admit I don’t know as much about Basketball as Roy and Hayden. Even little Dean knows infinitely more than I probably do. I know what a rebound is, I know what a three pointer is-I know all the basics.  I don’t know all the details of a backcourt violation, or why they don’t call holding when someone was clearly holding my child’s jersey.  Yes, I look things up and yes I ask questions-point is I’m still learning.

What I do know is that a bad attitude is a problem.  I know that kids get frustrated and can have bad games.  I know sometimes something seems off and the team just doesn’t get it together.  I know when a child is phoning it in, and when a child is leaving it all on the court.  I know it’s not always about the numbers you put, sometimes it’s about how you work with your teammates. Do you give credit where credit’s due?  Can you admit a mistake, and accept criticism?  You might know someone messed up, they might know, the entire school might know, but can you put aside ego and be a friend, can you be a good teammate?

I liked to win.  I liked to psych out my opponent. If I was behind at a turn, I pushed myself just a little bit harder, and when I saw them looking at me out of the corner of their eye, I relished the challenge.  I was viciously competitive, until one day I was getting ready for a relay.  The 400 IM was my jam.  I swam the butterfly leg-2 laps, (or 4 in a 25 meter pool).  Butterfly was my thing-yet no matter how many times I swam in, I was still dreadfully nervous before each event. And I covered that nervousness with bravado.  I swung my arms just a little bit harder than the girl I was to race against.  I stretched just a bit deeper, and I made sure to have my game face on, until one day something happened.

The girls I swam with were equally as hard core. We were a tight group, we knew each other’s strengths and weaknesses.  We knew who had to do what based on warm up.  One of us had cramps, so the other three knew to pick up the slack.  And then our backstroker got sick.  The alternate was a quite girl, very nice, but she didn’t swim in our lane.  She didnt’ know all the tricks, and it showed.  I saw her sitting with her back to us, she was shaking and another girl asked if she was ok.  She started crying.  Her fear?  That she would disappoint us.  That she would mess up our time, or get disqualified.  That she couldn’t possibly measure up-and I stopped.  THIS is what my ‘game face’ had reduced a very kind girl too?  I stopped my arm swinging and the three other girls and I silently agreed to reassure her.  We told her it didn’t matter what time we pulled, let’s just do our best.  And did she ever!  No, she wasn’t as fast as my friend.  But I saw her joy at being on the “A” team.  I saw her push herself harder than she ever had, and how happy she was when we cheered for her.  We didn’t win that relay, but we came close-because Kara stepped in and gave it 110%.  

Now, my story is dramatic, but it was a teaching moment for a 14 year old me.  It showed me that sometimes the race isn’t about the win, that sometimes it’s about the journey and what you learn on said journey.  I didn’t lose my hunger to win, but I did understand that winning isn’t the only thing, and I learned that those willing to give their all are the people you want on your team.

And I desperately want my son to learn that.  I direct this at Hayden now, because he is at a competitive age.  Parents are starting to take notice-they are starting to expect more from the coaches and the kids. 

Disclaimer: I can   run my mouth.  If Roy’s there I have a tendency to tamp it down, but if he isn’t.....

Anyways, the team had a game yesterday.  It did not go our way.  Now, I don’t know if the coach was trying something new, or what.  I do know that I drove for well over an hour to support our team-so that’s what I was going to do.  I did my best to film the game for Roy.  I cheered on the boys-ALL of them.  I tried to pay attention to the refs and learn what was what-and I became consciously aware that our team had very few people there.

6 of us to be exact-and I get it.  It’s during the work day, it was a long drive-I know I’m lucky to be able to attend those games, I get it.  But the other parents that were there?

Why weren’t you cheering for the boys?  

Why didn’t you make an effort to cheer for ANYONE-your own child?  Mine?  The other boys?

WHy did you sit there and criticize the coaches?

Why did you ridicule other players? 

And why, if you can do a better job as you told me, do you not step up and offer your expertise?  IF you can do so much better than the two men that devote their time and energy to this team, why aren’t you?  Why are you just coming to a game, complaining it’s crap and a waste of time?

I get it-I’m a parent too.  I want the team to do well, I want them to succeed, but succeeding isn’t just winning.  It’s learning to be a good sport.  It’s learning from your mistakes, and then showing up the next game ready to do better.  Not insulting the coaches and the kids five minutes after a loss isn’t babying them-it’s picking your battles.

My dad was the first one to tell me if I made a mistake-if I false started, if my turn was slow, if I looked sloppy.  But he also understood that there is a time and place.  He didn’t need to come at me after I false started for the second time and got disqualified.  And because he understood this-I felt comfortable listening to his constructive criticism.  Roy does that for Hayden-I’m mom.  I hug him when he’s frustrated-hell I even hug the other boys! And cheer just a bit louder than I should.  But truth be told-win or lose, I’m proud of those boys for getting on that court in the first place. I’m proud when they play to the bitter end, knowing they’re going to lose, but not giving up.  And I’m proud that my son is doing well-I admit it.  I’m proud of every bucket he makes.  I’m proud when he makes a free throw even thought the other team is yelling and screaming against him-and I’m proud when he walks out of that locker room with a smile on his face-no matter what the score board says.

I’m proud when he realizes that there just might be better teams out there, and that the ‘starting five’ needs to up their game.  Him included.  I’m proud that he is starting to understand what it means to be a part of a team.

I haven’t post something personal in a long time.. Maybe because I have some free time before I pull all nighters studying for finals again..and because I finally have the chance to think about something, other than school for once. 

I had a major epiphany at like 4-5AM a couple of nights ago, and pretty much reflect what the fuck my life has been going. Its pretty depressing lol.  

I just realized how much sleep I get these days and its insane how my body has adjusted to function with 0-4 hours of sleep a day or two.

The end of 2014 was rough because of my friend from ECU passed away on Christmas day from a fatal car crash. Going to multiple funerals starts to hit you like a truck when you finally go to someone you actually know and talked to recently. Because of this, I started to live a healthy lifestyle and try to live life as it was my last day. So that meant I should start 2015 focusing mad hard in my studies and try to fix old ties like with old friends. So far, I’m actually making good progress being on good terms with people I use to not be with. Really happy about that. I don’t want anybody to hate or have a issue regarding about me that can be fixed if talked out.

Compare to last year, I eaten a lot more healthy because I stop smoking Mary Jane lol. I can’t believe I smoked 2 blunts a day....like wtf. Tf were you doing son??? Glad I’m done with that lifestyle. I feel so much healthier eating right. I just need to hit the gym like a mad man when I’m done with finals. I somehow got abs in the past few months and I haven’t even gym for months???? 

The past two years has been so rocky for me - school wise. Conflicting about majors on what to pursue, and figuring what I like was a real struggle. I’m just happy I narrowed it down, which is to be a detective. Starting from scratch really really sucks because everyone at my age is either graduating or going to grad/med school by this year or next year, and I’m back at square one lol. But I’m happy with my path for now because I want to basically become the modern super-hero as a career. I may not be running around with a cape around my back and fly in the sky, but I will catch the bad guys and help the community feel safe. In order to obtain this job its require candidates to either serve on the police work force for 2 years, and slowly rank his or her way up. Or serve the military for 2 years for combat and decision making experience. I took consideration in both, but if I’m somehow single by the time I’m done with getting a BA degree in Criminology and maybe a masters, I’ll just serve the United States for two years. Crazy, but I want to learn and become useful if there every a time of distress. I want to learn how to handle situations if people start panicking when shit goes down. I’ll be there to make people feel safe and secured. Seeing how there’s so many fucking corrupted police on the workforce makes me really sad. When I do be part in the field, I’m going to make sure that not only I will catch the bad guys on the streets, but also the the bad cops in the govt system. My dream is to restore the views on Americans that there are still good cops and detectives out there. 

Commuting from University to Community College sucks dick..I would’ve stayed at my old university, but the main reason coming back home was to keep an eye on my mom. Over the years my parents always gotten into big fights. Their marriage wasn’t perfect and had many flaws to it. Super unhealthy but they stayed together the past few years because of my sister and I. Now that we are older and mature, we can offer our opinions and views when shit goes down. I’ve seen my dad walk out so many times on the fam, so I was use to it when I dropped him at the airport. My sister would always get super emotional when he leaves, I did too back then, but shit happens so often that you start to become numb and have little things to say when it happens over and over. Every since my dad left in Jan, me and my mom have been adjusting without him. We sold one of the salons to make things less stressful for her. Now she works less hours, which is really good because she’s getting to the point where her hands are constantly shaky. She sometimes cuts herself from unable to keep a steady hand when filing customers’ nails. I learned some of the responsibilities my dad left behind such as business affairs, maintenance related to business or home, cooking, maintaining his mini aquarium fish tank, taking care of my mom, etc. Like I just recently learned how to mow the lawn for the first in my life. It was a wild experience lol. I was mad struggling at first. I remember I got made fun of all the time back in high school for not knowing how to. But my father just enjoyed doing garden work and never let me have a chance. 

Since it’s Mother’s day in a few days..I wish I could fast forward to the future where I am able to do a better job taking care of my mom and provide for her. I’m such a shit son sometimes, but I’ll make you proud one day, so just be patient for a little longer. 

And today I actually talked to my sister for the first time in 3 - 4 months? We settle the dispute between me, her, and her bf and now moving on and be on good terms with one another. No more bullshit and drama. 

So for those who follow me and actually care here is a little end of the year review of my life:

I can honestly say I am blessed upon measure, even with all the negatives that happened the positives just surpassed them and I have no reason what so ever to be sad.

I got married last year and I believed in my heart that me an him were gonna spend the rest of our lives being best friends and growing as people.

And then this year all of that just went down hill. I thought my life was over when O told me that he wanted a divorce earlier this year, it is very hard and earth shattering when the person you see yourself growing old and gray with doesn’t see another day with you. I really genuinely thought my life was over…for a second.

After all the back and forth, the why’s, the begging (yes, I begged…it was my marriage that was ending, not just another relationship), I prayed, prayed with my mom, prayed with my friends, prayed alone (now if you don’t believe in prayer, it’s fine. It’s like my own form of meditation, it’s my conversation with the Universe) and then came the calm, the peace of mind, the forgiveness. I let O go…I gave him what he wanted. How can I force him to stay in a marriage he no longer wants? I couldn’t.

So I gathered my things and moved back home with my mom at 28 years old. I have never been more grateful for having a Colombian mother, for having MY mother….she has been my rock during all of this.

I spent the Summer alone, praying, working, traveling, enjoying finding myself again, looking forward to what was next (I enrolled in College to get a second degree in Chemical Engineering). By the time my birthday came around, although not over my marriage, I was looking forward to the next chapter…not dreading it.

And then I met K. Tall, handsome, funny, hard working K. He is so great on paper that anyone would be lucky to snatch him up. The first month of our relationship was great, he was attentive and sweet.

And then things changed….I went from talking to him daily and seeing him twice a week. To talking to him daily to if I am lucky seeing him once a month.

That’s. Not. A. Relationship!

So I’ve decided I want to end this relationship.

And the truth is that I owe it all to O. See O taught me something that I have a hard time doing, saying Enough! He didn’t want our marriage, because he wasn’t happy and so he ended our relationship (he says that he didn’t want to waste my baby making years). And the truth is I don’t want to be with K, I am not happy and so I am ending out relationship (I don’t want to waste my baby making years).

2013 taught me how to love myself, it made me realize that I need time for myself…to figure out what I want, to reach my goals. Men will come. But my time is precious, I am precious.

With all of this, I lost 10 lbs from where I was last December, it’s not my goal but it’s 10 lbs I will never gain back. Another side effect of not focusing on me.