Found out today during my weekly appointment with my psychologist that I might be on the autism spectrum.
Apparently years ago when I went to a mental health clinic, I told my psychologists at the time that I looked up some things about autism and related to a bunch of stuff and they wrote it down in my folder, and did nothing about it. It just sat there in my folder for years.
I don't remember much of that happening due to them pushing it to the side so much.
I'm now 20 years old, and I go to that same clinic, just in another location, for help, but now I have a different psychologist, he could instantly tell that I was neurodivergent.
I told him I was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age but he (apparantly unlike the other psychologists I've talked to) read the folder about me mentioning autism years back and made a connection with my current (and past) behavior. He says I should probably seek a professional and test myself, because he sees many symptoms in me.
He saw symptoms from the very first day we talked. He even told me these symptoms, because I asked. And these symptoms were things I was told to get rid of as a kid; by parents, by friends, by teachers... Things that they think I now have control over, but I don't and never did. They're still here, but I was taught to repress them.
Like the way I moved my face, the way I shifted in my seat, played with my hands, took in my surroundings, the way I listened, the way I expressed little to no emotion as I talked about heavy stuff, the way I disliked physical contact unless I initiated it... Things I still do/have every day, but try to hide in shame, because others noticed and said something about it.
I'm so angry. I'm so lost and confused and so, so angry.
I'm 20 years old, I could've known about this years ago. I could've had closure years ago. I could've understood myself better years ago...
Once I test myself and it turns out to be true; that I am on the autism spectrum, that means that this whole time I was diagnosed with the wrong label. I thought I understood myself, but I tried to understand someone that wasn't me. I tried to deal with myself in ways "professionals" told me to, which never helped and now I see why.
I'm so mad I'm so mad I'm so mad I'm so fucking mad
