#sophiewinters

Mina would want me to move on. She’d want me to be happy. And she’d want me to stay clean. So I’m going to do that.”

“And though you’ve made some pretty bad choices, you’ve made some decent ones, too. You got clean—and you stayed clean. I believe that. I believe you”

“I saw Kyle yesterday.”

“Run into him, did you?” Rachel asks sarcastically.

I stare at my coffee instead of her. “I might have locked him in the men’s room and threatened him with bear repellent,” I mumble.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“It’s probably a horrible idea,”

“I wanted to make myself better. For Mina. For me.”

“I like the feel of dirt between my fingers, nursing delicate plants into strength and bloom. I like watching things flourish, like the swath of colors I can grow, bright and alive. It hurts to get up and down, but the pain’s worth the effort. At least I have something pretty to show for it.”

“you’ll be okay. You’re strong, Soph. Just think about all the stuff you’ve gotten through.”

“Get up.” Mina yanks at my blankets, and I can’t fight her with just one hand, my other still in a cast.

“You’re mean,” I tell her, rolling slowly over to my other side, smashing my extra pillow over my head instead.”

“You’re the one who broke her crown.”

I don’t bother to hide my grin. “I didn’t mean to step on it! That float was totally unstable. And I was already at a disadvantage.”

“Uh-huh, I believe you, Soph,” Mina says. ”

“It makes me laugh, the sound bursting out of me like truth. It makes me want to cry and thank her. To tell her that I’ve never told anyone before, and to tell it and have it be accepted like it’s no big deal feels like a gift.”

“You tricked out my cane.” I reach for it, and my smile is so wide, I feel like it’s going to split my face in two”

“Don’t be stupid. I can’t make you walk that far. I’ll go get help and come back for you.”

“I’m being stupid? You’re the one who failed the wilderness skills part of Girl Scouts. You’ll probably get eaten by a bear. You go, I go.”

“We’re gonna be late,” Mina says.

I zip up my boots and pull my jeans down over them. “We’ve got twenty minutes. Chill.”

“I can put aside my anger. I can be kind. She would’ve wanted that.”

“I’m not gay; I’m bisexual. There’s a difference.”

“This isn’t gross. You know what I think when I see this?”

I shake my head.

Her voice drops. She’s whispering, a secret for just the two of us: “I think about how strong you are. You didn’t stop fighting, even when your heart stopped. You came back.”

“Mina beams. “You could’ve just gotten me flowers.”

I set a seedling carefully into the dirt. “Where’s the fun in that?”

“I’ll make sure to thank you when I win my Pulitzer.”

“It’s horrible,” Mina says.

“Why does it matter? I’m not an expert.”

“It matters,” she says.

“What, are you worried that I won’t end up there if there is a heaven?” I ask.

“Yes!”

I can’t stop the smile that stretches across my face.”

“you were always watching her. I knew I could count on you, that you’d help her. ”

“Loving her was never scary. It was never wrong. It was where I fit.”

“You still not gonna tell me what this is all about?” I find the play­list marked Sophie and page through the songs.

“Not yet,” Mina trills.

“You and your weird superstitions,” I say, rolling my eyes and grinning.”

“Not really happy,” Rachel says. “But you’re not Ms. ­Sunshine, so A-plus for effort.”

“Her hair is illuminated by the headlights. She looks unearthly, almost glowing, and I’m struck by it for a moment, half forgetting that I’ve asked a question.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you,” she says solemnly. “But you have to promise not to breathe a word.” She looks to her left, then her right, before leaning forward and hissing: “Alien takeover is imminent.”

“Oh no! The little green men are coming!” I fake a gasp, and she beams at me for playing along.”

“This almost-dying thing is getting to be a habit with you. Not good.”

“I guess I just take after you,” I say.

Macy laughs shakily. “Hell, I hope not.”

“I’m scared,” I say, breaking my silence.

“I know you are,” she says, her voice ringing out over the traffic noise. “But you’re brave, babe. You’re strong.”

“Watch out!” Mina stomps into the puddle. Muddy water splashes against my back, drenching me.

“Oh my God!” I shriek, spinning around. “I can’t believe you just did that.”

“Come on. Play with me.”

“You are such a brat sometimes,”

“Neither of them is really happy about it,” I say. I’ve been shredding my napkin into little pieces, and they flutter across the table when Rachel turns the page. “I may have played the ‘I was attacked by psychos’ card to get them to agree.”

“For months, the urge to use has been buried beneath my need to find Mina’s killer. Now I need to be strong for myself.”

“I told her that she shouldn’t worry. That you were the type of girl who didn’t let anything stand in the way of loving someone.”

“It’s a good thing, Sophie,” she says softly. “Being able to love someone that much. It makes you brave.”

“Know what you’re gonna do yet?”

“I don’t,” I say, and it’s wonderful, not to know anything without dreading the feeling. To not have a suspect list in my head. To not think about what’s next except for an open road and a little house with a yoga studio and a vegetable garden in the backyard.”

“But my heart isn’t simple or straightforward. It’s a complicated mess of wants and needs, boys and girls: soft, rough, and everything in between, an ever-­shifting precipice from which to fall.”