#something'sgottagive

“Something’s Gotta Give, fue un momento malo en mi vida donde yo sentía como si tuviera que elegir amor o miedo. Y en mi caso esta canción es acerca de una relación toxica que atravesé y el amor estaba diciéndome "¿Te amas lo suficiente a ti misma para alejarte de esta situación?” y el miedo estaba diciéndome que “el cambio es demasiado arriesgado”. Y el amor y el miedo pueden ser confusos, el amor te dirá que sigas tus sueños, el amor te dirá que nos des lo mejor de ti y el miedo te dará excusas para no luchar, el amor te dirá que seas quien eres, que hables la verdad, que ames a quien amas y siento que aquí hay tanta gente joven eligiendo amor o miedo cada día y es por eso que la canción se convierte en algo para mí.“

And this is why I never like asking for help.

Each time I do, it backfires.

I have a sore throat, at risk of losing my voice, and I asked for prayers from those around me.  I received them and some advice on how to cure my voice in time for rehearsals/performances this week.

At the same time, I also got bad news: Florizel got turned down.  Again.

He’s losing hope, and patience.

That made me realize how selfish I had been, to draw attention to myself and my tiny problems.  A prayer I asked for out of selfishness because I wanted to sound my best for those who come to review the show.  Not a prayer for my heartbroken fiancee who just lost another chance at a job.

And now, it’s too late to change my tune because there is a long thread about my throat and voice on social media.  To add another would be seeking too much attention.

I put my focus on the wrong thing and now I I feel awful about it.  

Now, I won’t go posting about Florizel’s plight online.  I’ll leave that for him to do, and really it’s only family business.  But still...I put my prayer request in the wrong place, and while I may get my voice back, Florizel is still without a job.

This is the last time I ask for prayer requests that are for me.  I will stick to only praying for those in need.  I don’t need anything, because my concerns are worth nothing compared to those who need them.  I’m selfish and petty.  My concerns are first world problems compared to those of my friends and family.

Never again.

Prayers for my Florizel as his job hunt continues, as well as for my father.  Prayers for those who suffer as they take care of loved ones or are ill or suffering in any way.  Prayers of peace for all I know and for all in the world.

And mercy on me for being a selfish bitch.

Update: I took the post down.  It served its purpose so down it came.  Drinking tea, voice is improving.  May rest it for the most part tonight, save it for tomorrow.  I have my pride, dammit.  At least I have one more day to get over whatever bug this is.

Guess this is God’s way of telling me I’m not cut out for this.  Every other musical I’ve been in has had some mishap.  My first one, I was sick for half the run.  The second, we lost a performance due to weather (it was an outdoor venue).  The third I was out with a foot injury for half the run and now I’m sick the day before we open.  A running trend that doesn’t happen in other shows.  When I crew shows, nothing like this happens.  Only in musicals I’m in

I’m kinda done with this bullshit.  I am planning to audition for a musical next month, but I’m afraid to now because of my trend with shows.

I don’t want to take this as a sign from God, but I don’t know what else to call it other than bad luck.  This has never happened before at any other theatre.  Only here in this town.

Damned bad luck.  Sigh.  Oh well.  More tea, dinner with Florizel before rehearsal.  There are worse things in the world.   

Lord, allow me to see the will behind these actions.  Allow me to be the person I need to be to others, and have mercy on my selfish thoughts.  My thoughts are minor compared to others.  Allow me to help alleviate other’s suffering and, in turn, allow that to help be my penance for putting my career before the suffering and pain of others.

I’m a fucked up person, I know this.  But I don’t want pity.  Only mercy and the ability to do good.  Let me be what my Florizel needs right now, put the right words in my mouth, and let my few worries become nothing of importance or worth worrying about.  

Longing for you, longing for something, longing for anything,

Longing that makes me desire for intangibles,

Longing that creates distance in my eyes and vacancy in my heart,

Longing that breeds indescription and disempowerment,

Longing that freezes time if only for a moment,

Longing that forces me to live within myself

Longing that blurs the days together,

Longing that vaguely motions me through them,