I live with my boyfriend we have almost been together for a year and I compulsivly lie to him about everything. Why? You ask. Because he scares the hell out of me. We were so inlove at the start and even though I had just had a painful relationship end when we met I thought we were really inlove. He started to get controlling and picking at little things calling me a liar about dumb things and never letting me explain myself and everything I did was never good enough. Ive done things Ive never done before in my life for him and it doesnt even seem to register to him. I started to feel worse and worse about myself and then the name calling started, calling me a cunt and saying things to me like go fuck yourself and that I made him want to kill someone. I was already struggling with my personal health as I had surgery early this year and have had issues ever since and it was taking a toll on me physicly and mentally on its own. The stuff with him added sent me further down the hole mentally. I finally snapped after not working and making no money living by myself while he was away working trying to get better with tubes going inside my body on 8 different meds a day cant even sleep without waking on vivid nightmares, so then I decided to kill myself. I was a useless waste of space at that point. I downed a bunch of pills and wrote notes to my family and left my dog food and water out for a few days untill I knew my mom would send someone to look for me. I knew my dog would be happy with her and she wouldnt be alone. I lay down beside her and cried my eyes out petting and kissing and hugging her. Then I woke up in the morning to my step dad trying to pick me up. Its like a dream I couldnt move, I had OD'd and lived and you know what that didnt change anything between my boyfriend and I. After what happened all he had to say was " you know they would have questioned me about this" "how could you put that on me" I was devistated at him being like that. But as always we have a huge fight them he somehow without even apologizing gets me to stay. Its probably my fault, I dont even know why I stay. He locks himself in "his" room and doesnt let me come on untill its about 2am and he has to get up to unlock and let me in to sleep. After I tried to kill myself I started seeing my ex again while still seeing this guy. I just wanted someone to show affection to me. I still had alot of feeling in this past relationship and did want to be around my ex. But still I wouldnt leave the guy I was with even though be acted like he hated me. I saw my ex for a while then had guilt of what I was doing even though he was doing something to me, so out of feeling bad I stopped seeing my ex again. Moved in with the guy who treats me like shit and cut all ties and as always that wasnt good enough. Im not saying cheating is right but people are weak and no one should be in a relationship that they dont feel loved and its depressing that they go somewhere else to find it while still being with someone. He has been talking to girls the entire time anyway was going to meet another girl he was thinking about seeing a day after I traveld hours to meet him, spent money I didnt have to meet him and had just had surgery a week before but I havent done anything for him according to him its ok to talk to and try to meet girls but I traveled hours to apologize to him for adding a childhood friend of mine who was a guy on facebook and not even speaking to him ! He screamed in my face on my birthday and told me to go fuck myself and that I was a whore and he hated me went through my facebook and screamed about mesaages from years ago but talks to one of his ex's on his phone for days while im right beside him, ignoring me and if a word came out of his mouth it was about her. Im strugging inside before I started cheating and he called me a baby and told me to shut up. My friend killed herself and he laughed at the way I said oh my god when I heard the news. But yet I live with him. Im fucking crazy and scared and stupid enough to be stuck here under his rules. I havent done anything that I like in so long because im not aloud or im led to feel stupid about it. I wish I was brave enough to break free and live on my own and be myself. I went to explore my sexuality because im secretly bi-sexual and at this point only fantisize about women, I want to be with a woman at least once even if its just a sexual relationship and friendship - that would be hot. Bestfriends but Lovers no relationship just sex and watching movies and doing girl stuff together. That is something ive never told anyone ever. Maybe one day I will break out of this cage and spread my wings. But for now im just here and depressed and focused on being skinny and playing video games. If anyone reads this come talk to me. Send me a picture. Tell me a story. Anything is better than this.