#softache

how can i miss someone who is in the same room? how can i feel lonely when you sit beside me? how can there be such a distance between us when i could simply reach out and touch you? i look at you and my heart tightens. time is already counting down — so much of it, and yet so little. i fear the day when you will be gone. when i won’t hear your laughter, won’t see your smile, won’t catch your familiar scent. i know you will be fine. i know i will become just a memory. but you— you will remain a part of my soul forever. i wish you as much joy as the pain i carry. as much happiness as the tears i have cried. i mean it. from the deepest place in my heart i wish you only the best.

i’m mentally preparing to leave. maybe i’ve given up. maybe i’m just trying to save myself. i carry conversations with you inside my mind, quietly hoping my absence might sting just a little bit. i imagine how it would be. what you would say. not because i want to hurt you. not because i want you to stop me. i struggle. i search for the right words — how to say it, how to hint at it, or whether i should say anything at all. if i’m really honest, i’m afraid you won’t feel anything at all. and i’ll finally understand how little i meant to you. i am someone who hasn’t yet learned how to stay silent where i have already said enough. and in the cemetery of my dreams, another stone will be placed.

i don’t want to be this way falling apart again and again as it gets dark all i want is to be in your arms there’s nothing i could do or say to keep you from leaving i try not to cry try to tell myself stupid lies like i’m no good for you you’re not right for me you can call me a friend but please keep me close i will always be there i give a smile fake pretend i’m okay even when it feels like dying i’ve learned to lose but my heart keeps bleeding keeps wishing for victory there’s nothing you could do or say to change the way i love you i don’t want to but i do