#soft men

We’re attracted because, despite their flaws—sometimes because of their flaws—they demonstrate what real-world men around us don’t even attempt:

a willingness to hold someone else’s humanity higher than their ego.

Let me explain.

📖1: Tablecloth Men, & the Myth of the "Gooner Girl"

When I hear men call Love & Deep Space a "gooner game," it’s clear they don’t even know what that means—& worse, they’re projecting their own relationship with porn onto women.

For context: in online slang, a "gooner" refers to a man (usually porn-addled) who enters a trance-like edging state, binging porn for hours while hyping himself up. A "gooner game," therefore, is something designed to put women into a similar spiral, completely lost in lust & fantasy.

The insult is absurd on two levels:

Women engaging with romantic fantasy games are not typically masturbating to them the way gooners do to porn.

Women’s desire isn’t purely physical or consumptive—it’s layered, narrative-driven, & deeply tied to emotional fulfilment.

Women might read smut while folding laundry. They’ll sext while making dinner without touching themselves or even being "turned on." They’re capable of engaging sensually & intellectually at the same time.

The very fact that men think reading smut or playing otome equals a woman slack-jawed in a dark room, sweating over her phone, says more about how men experience desire than it does about how women do.

So when men accuse us of "gooning" over games like Love & Deep Space, what they’re really saying is:

“How dare you retreat into a fantasy world that doesn’t centre me?”

🌑2: The Fantasy of the Grey King

Characters like Gojo, Damon, Sylus, Caleb, & even Haibara from my fic "Third Wheeling" are cut from the same cloth:

They’re not purely good.

They’re not purely evil.

They are loyal, dangerous, competent, & painfully human.

But what matters is that in their worlds, they choose the woman they love & orient themselves around her in a way real-life men rarely do.

Take Damon Salvatore.

Damon is a disaster of a man—manipulative, violent, morally bankrupt at times—but his loyalty to Elena is unwavering. Even when she’s not his. Even when she chooses Stefan. Even when she tells him to stop, he does stop, because her boundaries matter to him even when his feelings make it hard. He doesn’t become good because of her; he struggles & grows because he wants to be good for her.

Take Gojo Satoru.

Gojo’s lightness is a mask. Before Suguru, he was untouchable but empty. Suguru grounded him. When Suguru fell, Gojo didn’t collapse, but he stopped caring as much about his own moral integrity, because no one he respected was watching. His loyalty & morality were tethered outside himself.

Take Sylus & Caleb.

These characters from Love & Deep Space represent something real-world women rarely see: men who are successful, confident, & powerful, yet make deliberate space for a woman in their lives. Literally & figuratively.

Another character repaints his bedroom, makes space in his closet, lights candles—because he wants her to feel at home. That’s not "gooning." That’s an emotional fluency men are rarely taught but women crave desperately.

Because love isn’t conquest. Love is making room.

I’ve been thinking about how characters like Damon (TVD) & Gojo (JJK) resonate so strongly with women, not because they’re perfect, but because they’re deeply flawed men who tether their morality to someone they love.

Damon’s loyalty to Elena—even when messy—shows a man willing to reorient his entire self around respect for someone else’s values.

When she’s gone, he spirals because he hadn’t yet internalised that moral compass.

Gojo mirrors this. He was untouchable & irreverent until Suguru anchored him.

When Suguru fell, Gojo started rolling the dice with his own ethics, because his compass shattered.

These kinds of stories show women what it looks like for a powerful man to choose to defer to someone else’s humanity. And for many of us—raised on tablecloth men who can’t hold a conversation beyond porn tropes—that’s revelatory.

It’s why games like Love & Deep Space feel cathartic rather than "cringe:"

– The men are functioning adults

– They make room in their lives (and their closets) for you

– They adapt instead of expecting you to shrink

Meanwhile, male-dominated fantasies keep glorifying underage girls, infantilization, & rape disguised as "spice."

No wonder women turn to fictional men who treat them like humans instead of props.

For some of us, it was more than just escapism.

I was barely in my early twenties when I left a 10-year relationship that left me with PTSD—one I’d been groomed into as a minor, one where I thought crying myself to sleep & being yelled slurrs at was just what love looked like.

Because the truth is—asking for someone who listens, makes room, & respects your mind shouldn’t be a fantasy. But here we are.

And then, somehow, I found Damon Salvatore.

The show wasn’t perfect.

But watching this chaotic, morally grey man choose to orient himself around someone else’s feelings & stay there, even when it hurt?

It cracked something open.

It showed me what I’d been enduring wasn’t love—because if even a fictional man could make space for someone’s boundaries & grief, why couldn’t a real one?

I see women say the same about Love & Deep Space.

You scroll through the comments on their edits, & you see it—women quietly, sometimes even tearfully admitting:

"I finally realised my boyfriend was never going to treat me like this."

"This game helped me leave him."

"I thought I was asking too much—but it turns out I was asking too little."

That’s not cringe.

That’s survival.

Psychologically, this is what we call a [Link] Corrective Emotional Experience—when you encounter a new model of love or safety that contradicts your trauma, & you internalize it as proof that you’re not broken for wanting more.

It’s why these characters feel life-changing.

So, no—I don’t think it’s embarrassing that Damon helped me escape.

Or that Gojo, Nanami, Sylus, Caleb, & many others like Jack Frost or even Nick Wilde—the Fox from Zootopia, help other women escape too.

It’s not silly to want a man who sees your humanity & adapts to make room for it.

It’s not silly to believe that love isn’t about shrinking yourself.

Because the truth is—it should never have been a fantasy.

But for some of us, it was the first step toward reality.

They give you permission to leave the story you were told you had to stay in.

🕷️3: Why Women Retreat to Fiction

Real-world dating for women today is a minefield of men with the emotional range of a dishcloth & the self-awareness of a brick.

They ask what you bring to the table, while bringing nothing but porn addictions, fragile egos, & a phone full of bikini reels.

If you talk about your hobbies? They tune out.

If you mention your needs? You’re "too much."

If you resist sex? You’re "frigid."

If you want sex but also respect? You’re "delusional."

Meanwhile, the male-centred fantasies they’ve grown up with glorify girls who are:

— infantile

— submissive

— underage-coded

— overtly mothering towards their adult partners

— purely decorative

So when women play Love & Deep Space or write fic about Gojo or Damon or Haibara or Caleb, they’re not "deluded"—they’re reclaiming a narrative in which their pleasure, safety, & autonomy matter.

✨4: Why Nanami Feels Like Home (& Gojo Like Sunlight)

And then there’s Nanami Kento.

He is not the loudest in the room.

He does not demand your laughter to feel like he’s alive.

He does not treat your quiet as a defect, or your sadness as something to fix.

He does not make you shrink yourself so he can feel big.

For many of us, Nanami doesn’t even feel like a character—he feels like a possibility we never believed existed.

When you are with a man like Nanami—even if he’s only fictional—you feel, maybe for the first time, that your stillness is allowed.

Your bad days are not an inconvenience.

Your bipolarity is not a moral failing.

Your silence is not a betrayal.

You don’t have to entertain him.

You don’t have to be "on."

You don’t have to drag yourself into manic cheerfulness just to keep him from sulking about your mood.

Nanami just is.

Because Nanami is the kind of man who would simply say,

“You don’t have to force anything. Just sit. I’ll handle the rest.”

And he would mean it.

If Nanami is home, Gojo is sunlight on a day you thought would never get warm again.

He makes you laugh, even when you feel like you’re falling apart inside.

He is a chaotic spirit, but never cruel.

And while he might never understand the weight you carry, he would at least never shame you for carrying it.

By contrast, Gojo is the opposite—but not in a bad way.

He’s not perfect—he’d probably forget the groceries & lose his keys & drive you insane—but he’d always come home to you.

Gojo is the kind of man who would lie down on the kitchen floor with you at 2 AM, telling dumb jokes until you laughed again, just because he can’t stand seeing you cry.

And when you feel ugly or unworthy, he’d just laugh & kiss you & say:

“You’re ridiculous. You’re perfect.”

Some days, you need Nanami: quiet, steady, capable, unafraid of your darkness.

Some days, you need Gojo: bright, relentless, a reason to laugh when you feel like nothing is funny anymore.

🌷 Why Both Matter

And what real life so often fails to give women is even one of those things—let alone both.

Instead, we get men who demand our light but resent our shadow.

Men who say we’re "too much" but "not enough."

Men who say "just be happy" because our quiet threatens them.

Men who cannot fathom that sometimes we are just tired—& that’s okay.

It's called a partnership for a reason. All relationships need balance.

We fall for Nanami & Gojo—as opposites—because they represent the two halves of love we deserve:

Someone who sits with our grief without fear,

Someone who can make us laugh anyway.

We don’t want perfection.

We don’t expect to find a Damon or a Gojo or a Sylus walking into our coffee shop tomorrow.

🧊5: What We Actually Want

We want what they symbolise:

A man who listens even when it’s inconvenient.

A man who orients himself around your humanity without erasing himself.

A man whose loyalty does not depend on whether he gets to sleep with you.

In real life, that looks like a boyfriend who moves his stuff so you can hang your clothes.

It looks like a partner who doesn’t treat your trauma like a buzzkill.

It looks like someone who asks, "Are you okay?" & then waits for the answer.

It’s not that hard.

It just happens to be rare.

A man who makes space for you without resenting it.

🔥6: Why It Scares Men

Because these stories show women that we don’t have to settle for mediocrity.

They teach us that "at least he doesn’t hit me" isn’t enough.

That our longing is not weakness, & our standards are not "too high."

When women retreat into these worlds, men panic. Why?

They expose the ways men have failed to grow.

The men mocking women for playing otome games or writing fic are the same men who think a romantic evening is you sitting silently while they scroll their phone next to you.

🌙 Not a Fantasy—a Reminder

When you’re a woman who has been told her sadness is a burden, her quiet is ungrateful, her darkness is too dark—these characters are not "escapism."

They’re recognition.

We don’t want perfect.

We don’t even want easy.

We just want someone who doesn’t punish us for being alive.

They’re proof that someone—even if only on a page—could hold all of you without flinching.

And in a world full of tablecloth men—who only know how to worship your light & run from your shadow—Nanami, Gojo, Damon, Sylus, Caleb…they don’t run.

They stay.

And that is why we love them.

The love stories we build—in fiction, in games, in fandom—aren’t delusions.

Of what we already deserve, & sometimes what we already are:

— the person who carries everyone else’s burdens.

— the one who stays up to fix what others break.

— the one who never stopped hoping there was more than this.

We love Gojo because he falls apart but keeps showing up.

We love Damon because he’s a mess but still chooses her.

We love Sylus & Caleb because they understand that making space for someone else is not weakness—it’s love.

We’re not "gooning."

We’re remembering.

That we deserve to take up space.

That loyalty can exist.

That love is supposed to feel like home, not a hostage situation.

So if that scares you?

Maybe it should.

Because some of us are done playing NPC to your fantasies.

We’re building our own worlds now.

They’re reminders.

And they’re beautiful.

A/N: I hope I made sense & not overshare. Thank you for the ask Anon!