#soft henry

I smiled as Henry explained to me how he had the best run in the morning. Kal had tackled him to the ground sometime in the field because Henry had decided to taunt him with a chicken leg.

Two long years had passed since we had bumped into each other at an after party. A silly cliche like reaching for the same glass of champagne, our fingers grazing each other while we both were busy talking to our significant others at that time.

I would be lying if I said my heart hadn't done a flip when he had apologized and handed me the glass. Everyone knew Superman, but I knew about him when he was just Charles Brandon. If he was exceptionally handsome on screen, he was spectacular in the flesh.

"You are doing that again."

I blinked twice as Henry chuckled from the other side of the screen. "What?"

"Not listening to me. You keep phasing out a lot lately. Is everything alright?" The humor in his voice was replaced with concern. His beautiful blue orbs filled with worry and his eyebrows knitting together.

No, nothing was alright anymore, is what I wanted to say. Lately, I was thinking about Henry more than it was socially acceptable for a platonic friendship. I had stupidly believed that I could become friends with the man who had captured my fancy since decades ago. When I had realized he was the most genuine person, his profession not meddling with his nature at all, the tiny crush that I had on him had snowballed into something more.

Even right now, as he waited for me to answer, all I could think about was how his hair looked curlier than ever. The light reflected in his eyes, making them look more grey than blue. His usually cleaned shaved face was covered in a slight stubble, and I knew for a fact he would shave it off in a matter of 24 hours.

"You are really making me worry. Is everything alright with Dan?" When he said his name it pushed me back into reality.

Two years ago I had met Henry with my boyfriend, but now that same man was my fiancé. I felt my heart sink as realization sinked in.

It wasn't fair for my fiancé who was busy planning our wedding with his family. I almost felt like I was cheating on him. I almost felt like if Henry kept looking at me any longer, I would cry.

I closed my eyes for the briefest moment, taking an unsteady breath. "Yeah... Everything's good. Our wedding invitations are going to be out soon. Yours should reach you in probably a day or two."

My heart clenched in my chest as the words poured out of my mouth. A very tiny part of me wanted him to miss my wedding, I did not want to see him while I stood at the altar, pledging my life to someone else.

"Can't wait!" He said excitedly. His gorgeous smile returning on his face. It was the smile I kept thinking about, the one he threw my way everytime I complimented him for his work. It was the smile I wanted to wake up to, the smile I wanted to die watching.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Now my eyes stung with the tears that were beginning to pool. I hated that I was in this position. I could resolve it by just letting Henry know what I felt, but that would ruin our friendship indefinitely. There was always an off chance that he would reciprocate, but was that really worth risking out friendship?

"Hen-" I muttered, unsure of what I was about to say.

"Yes, love?"

My heart fluttered like the wings of a butterfly landing on the sweetest nectar. "I love you a lot."

It was like the biggest leap of faith I had taken. Henry's eyes widened for a split second and my heart raced like a wild horse. My hands went cold as the seconds stretched between us. I was scared. I was going to lose him and I was going to have no one but myself to blame.

"I love you too." My heart skipped a beat. The corners of my mouth turning up in a smile. "You are one of my most precious friends, love. And I am so happy that you are going to find your happily ever after."

"Friend" he had said. It stung like a thousand needles. It ripped my heart in more pieces than possible. I couldn't help my smile falter, feeling the air being sucked out of me. This time I let my tears out.

"Oh, Henry," I disconnected the call as my sobs shook my body. I needed to hear it from him. It felt liberating no matter how much I was hurting right now. I could close my feelings off for him now, I could actually find my happily ever after with the man I was engaged to.

***

I was grateful that she disconnected the call. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to keep my facade on for long.

Hearing her say the words that I had been yearning to hear for far too long, had nearly made me lose myself. I could have been the one to sieze the opportunity but I knew it was too late.

With a heavy heart, I opened my drawer at my work table. An envelope sat underneath the pile of other papers. Even with all the multiple times I had opened this envelope, it still only had a couple of rumbled edges, looking almost as crisp as new.

I took out the photos from inside. There were countless times I had pulled them out and stared at her beautiful face. When somedays I had a hard time at work, or flown in from another country at an ungodly hour in the night, wanting to talk to her, to see her, to hear her voice, I would pull out the prints and imagined what it would have been like if I had only not waited so long.

"Why is Henry Cavill still single?" The articles always read in big bold print. If only they knew how I was strung on the one women who had kept on slipping away from me even before I had begun to realize my feelings for her.

I stared at the one picture of us at my family home in Jersey. I had convinced her to come over for brunch with my family while I was home in between projects. She had looked like a dream in a floral dress with her hair loose, her cheeks pink in the cold.

She had been petting Kal with the sweetest smile on her lips, when I had clicked the picture. She had been completely unaware, showering the big bear with praises. We had spent a big chunk of our time together, escaping together every chance we got.

"I think Dan's going to propose," she had said, looking up at the sky while we sat under a tree in my parent's backyard. "Should I say yes, if he does?" she had looked at me for an answer.

That should have been my chance to say how it was her that I thought about first thing in the morning, my first text of the day, my last call for the night. It should have been my opportunity to confess how I was ready to give her the world, because that is how much I loved her.

But I had sat there stupidly with a blade of grass in my hand. I had been a coward because I was too afraid that I was going to lose her if I said the wrong things.

"Yeah, absolutely. Dan's the perfect guy for you." I couldn't even look at her because I was worried she would see through my lie.

I only I could go back in time, I would have held her hands in mine, looked her in the eyes and told her how it was I who was the perfect man for her. It was her who could complete me, make me the happiest man on earth.

But a year later, here I was, alone in my house with remnants of our time together in my hands. Her wedding invitation had arrived in the morning but I refused to open it and let it lay on my table, taunting me, glaring at me like the worst mistake of my life.

"Archie, don't trouble your sister."

I scolded the five year old as he ran away with my little girl's toy. She sat on the grass, wailing her lungs out. I winced as I moved, but tried reaching out to my daughter as tears began to stream down from her tiny eyes.

"Hey, don't worry. I got her." Henry ran towards us, throwing a stern look towards our son. Kal bounded behind him and then made a detour towards his new best friend.

"Lily, darling, don't cry baby," Henry scooped the two year old up in his arms and ran his hands through her soft curly brown hair. He swayed her gently and sure enough, Lily quietened down.

"Archie come here," I watched as he gestured our son to come to where he was standing. Kal, with his tongue lolling on one side, walked behind Archie. "Say sorry to your sister. You are not supposed to make girls cry."

"But she keeps on playing with these dolls." He whined.

"Would you rather have her play with you? Then you need to ask, nicely." I smiled watching Henry reason with his children. Parenting was a natural talent that came to him.

Archie nodded, giving the doll back to his sister. "First apologize." Henry instructed.

"Sorry," the little boy squeaked, making me wanting to give him a hug. "Would you play with me, Lily?" He tried to peak at her face which she kept trained to the ground.

Lily, our precious daughter, nodded her head slowly and bounded out of Henry's grasp behind her brother. They forgot about their issue and ran with Kal around the grounds.

"The level of patience you have with those two." I shook my head, leaning against the tree trunk. "I could have never made them understand."

Henry sat down besides me on the blanket we had laid down on the grass. It was a nice sunny day and we wanted to enjoy some outdoor family time.

I winced as a sudden kick came from my belly and I ran a hand over it.

"My boys giving you trouble?" Henry turned towards me, his hand over mine as it rested against my growing bump.

"This one," I rubbed a hand on one side of my stomach, "He's a kicker. I think he's going to be our little hurricane."

Henry chuckled, rubbing his hand over my belly in circles. "What about the other? Is he going to make us go crazy too?"

"Oh no, this one's a sweetheart. He's so calm. Doesn't cause any trouble for his mum."

Henry placed an arm around my shoulders, pulling me towards him. I shifted to lean against him and placed my head on his shoulder. Archie and Lily laughed as Kal ran behind them.

We hadn't wasted any more time after the night we confessed our feelings. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he did too. We told our families, his were delighted and mine were surprised. Nonetheless, they all wanted us to be happy and they could see it on our faces as well.

We got married on a sunny day, much like today, on a beach in Jersey. It was a small ceremony, only close friends and family were invited. We wanted it to be private and intimate and share the moment with our loved ones.

This time I didn't hesitate. In a heartbeat I promised my life to him, looking in his blue eyes that glinted under the sun. I felt so much love from him, in so little time, I never second guessed my feelings for him. When we kissed, as husband and wife, I felt my heart burst with emotions.

Six years later, we had two children and two more on the way. Henry had always wanted a huge family and I really didn't mind. "The more the merrier we said", and stuck together when sometimes taking care of the little ones proved difficult.

"Have we decided on names, yet?" He asked, running a hand up and down my arm.

"How about William? We could really go full circle with that."

Henry chuckled, his laughter warming me. "I was thinking maybe Liam? Or Oliver?"

"Maybe August? Like an ode to your character?"

Henry scrunched his face, looking at me incredulously. "I don't know if I want to name him after a character who wanted world annihilation."

I laughed. "We still have time. There's still two months till these two come popping out of me." I rubbed my stomach, feeling the boys stir within.

"Maybe we'll know when we see them. Like we did with Lily."

I scoffed. "You did not want to name her Lily. If it were on you, you would have named her Princess Cavill."

Henry laughed loudly, making the kids come running towards us. The big bear came bolting behind them and slowed down when he reached me. He gave me a lick and then settled down next to me, placing his head on my lap. Kal already loved his unborn future friends, he was always careful around me and Henry made sure he accidentally didn't trip me.

Lily, our little princess, plopped down on her father's lap with her favorite doll in her hand. Archie just stuck to laying on the blanket and looked up at the sky. He was a dreamer, a little naughty at times, but he brought out the best in us. Being the first child, we had spoilt him a little but he had mellowed down once his sister came along.

I looked at my bountiful family and smiled. If anyone would have told me a decade ago that I would be having everything that I ever dreamed of, I would have flipped a finger and walked off.

But this, right here, seemed perfect.

***

When I took my sons in my arms, I choked on a sob that I had been holding.

She was tired, the labour had stretched on for more than 18 hours. I looked at her, asleep, the meds helping her a little. The nurse had placed the boys in my arms, as they cooed in their own slumber and stirred against each other.

Archie had been so happy to have more boys to play with and Lily had been heartbroken because she had wanted a sister. Although their mother had jokingly said we'll get a sister for her, I couldn't stop thinking about adding another member to our growing family.

I looked at our sons, wrapped in matching blankets, so soft and warm. I gently rocked them as much as possible, when they stirred in my arms again.

"Need some help, Mr. Cavill?" Her tired voice made me look at her. With half iddled eyes she smiled at me, tiredness displayed all over her face. "Give me one of them." She chuckled as I maneuvered the kids in my arms. I placed one of the boys in her embrace as he stirred in his sleep.

"You need sleep, love. I can handle them."

"You have been awake since I went into labour too. Get some rest, go home." She rocked our boy gently to sleep, cuddling him close to her body.

"I am not leaving you guys alone."

She smiled at me, warming my heart. This woman, the mother to our children, was stronger than she realized. A pillar to my life and the epitome of everything sunshine, my wife completed me in every sense.

"Have you thought of a name now? I don't want them to be called Baby one and Baby two." She slid down further, extending her arm for me to let the other baby be placed in her arms.

"I'll stick with Liam and add Arthur to it. Liam is definitely a kicker kind of name. You can name our calm little one." I pulled the chair closer to her bed, rubbing my thumb over Liam's head.

"Oliver... Oliver James Cavill." She smiled at me. "And Liam Arthur Cavill, that really does sound nice." Her eyes brimmed with tears and she pursed her lips to stop herself.

I instantly stood up and took her against my chest. "Oh, don't cry. I love you, baby."

"I love you too." She sniffled and smiled up to me. A moment of silence later, she added. "Lily needs a sister and I wouldn't mind giving her one." She smirked weakly at me.

I shook my head and kissed my pretty wife thanking the gods above for giving me the sense to take that leap of faith six years ago. I would have been nothing without her.

"We only regret the chances we don't take."

"I do."

Two words that are supposed to bind a couple together, forever. In a simple sentence, mere two words, and it held so much meaning.

The words kept ringing in my ears, her voice a faint whisper, even after eight months since then.

I had noticed her hesitate. People had noticed her hesitate. In hushed tones, they had whispered about it. Even Dan seemed worried, his face skeptical.

I was sitting at the edge of my seat, calculating what was I going to do if she breaks off the wedding. I could just run and kiss her in front of everyone or maybe swoop in later and declare my love. My heart was pounding so loud, it was ringing in my ears.

But then she said it.

And it broke me.

I left before Dan and her could even kiss, faking a phone call. I could not watch it. My brother was right, seeing someone you love and want, marrying some one else is the most heartbreaking thing to witness.

After that, I took residence in Jersey for sometime. Being around my niece and nephews helped me to keep me distracted. I could have stayed in London but staying in the city where she was living with her new husband, was daunting. My brothers only threw pitiful looks a couple of times before I busied myself with the kids and took Kal on longer walks.

"Kal, don't." I warned as the bear tugged at the leash.

When a movie offer had come along, I had been eager to leave the country for sometime. As soon as everything was finalized, I had left on the first flight, reassuring myself that my time away for six months would erase the God-awful feeling of loss that I felt. It helped for sometime, but when there were times when I was alone in my trailer, my mind would wander and I would be exactly where I was before.

Now I was back in the city, more tired than before I had left. After fighting the jetlag off for two nights, unable to force myself to go out for a walk or a run, I decided enough was enough. It wasn't like she was just going to be wandering around the streets of London. It was a big city and I wasn't sure if she was here anymore. Dan always used to say he would move them to Edinburgh, his home town, once they get married.

Weirdly so, I wished she had. Because if I were to see her, I would be spiraling down the rabbit hole again.

I looked to both sides, as I led Kal to the other side of the road. Whilst being deep in thoughts, we both had walked a long way. A bunch of grown men came out of a club, all dressed in white like they had been out for a cricket match. I led Kal away from the crowd, letting him sniff in peace.

"Henry?" I looked up from watching the bear sniffing a plant, and saw a smiling Dan, waving his arm at me.

I blinked a couple of times. What really were the odds of running into him the first day I decide to come out of my house? I forced a smile at him, clutching Kal's leash tighter in my hands than I intended to.

"Hello, mate. How have you been?" He came to me and shook my hand.

"All good. How have you been? Cricket?" I nudged towards the men chatting a little further away from us.

"Yeah, keeping myself busy. I just can't stay home, mate. The silence is unsettling somedays."

"The silence? Married life not treating you well?" I tried to remain calm, I did not want to thread the line closer to mentioning her.

Dan's face contorted in a surprise. "Oh mate, you haven't heard, have you? Mrs and I are divorced."

To say that I was shocked to the core, would be an understatement. Was I hearing this right?

"Man everyone saw her hesitate. It just wasn't the same after we got married. Every discussion started ending into a fight and then one day she just broke, said couldn't do it anymore and moved out. There was no point in dragging it out and we mutually decided to get a divorce."

It was wrong of me to be delighted in another man's misery. But whatever Dan said, it made me feel elated and also a little lightheaded. I tried to sympathize with him, but I couldn't wait to leave and run home to call her.

As soon as he bid goodbye, a few mundane details about our lives shared, I nearly sprinted back. I deleted her number stupidly, to ward off any temptation of checking up on her and I felt the biggest jerk for doing so. But I had her business card tucked away in that same envelope that held all our memories.

I unleashed a panting Kal, and opened that drawer in my study. I momentarily stopped to look at her smiling face in one of the photos before pulling out my phone and dialing her number.

This time I wasn't going to give up on this chance. This time I wasn't going to lose her again.

***

I sighed as I stared at my ceiling. I was having one of those days again. It was cold out, my mood dulling even though the sun had started peeking out from the clouds.

Gathering up the will to move, I went to brew some tea before making my way to the bathroom. I shivered, pulling my sweater on as I went about my flat. The living room looked like someone might have forgotten to take their things before leaving. I hadn't yet bothered to take out my things from the boxes and they stayed on one side of the room.

Lately I felt like I had to move out of London. My mother suggested I come home for sometime, take time off and unwind. She didn't know what had made me break off the marriage, we had stuck to telling people we had a difference of opinions. Thankfully, I had been left alone from all the barrage of questions from nosy relatives.

As I was making my way back from the bathroom, feeling colder than before, my phone rang from it's place on the night stand. My work calls did not start for another three hours and my mother was probably still tending to her garden, so with tentative steps I walked back to my bedroom, wondering who could it be.

My mouth fell open when I saw his name flashing on my screen.

For a second I wasn't even sure if this was real. Eight months and I hadn't heard anything from him. The image of his walking figure, his back turned to everyone, as he made his way out of the lawns as everyone had clapped for Dan and I.

I took a shaky breath and picked up my phone, sliding my finger across the screen to receive his call.

"Henry?" I said, my heart nearly stopping.

A heart beat later, my hands going cold and my throat going dry, I heard his voice. "Hey," he said and I closed my eyes, his voice a blessing to my ears.

"Hi," I tried to remain calm, clutching the phone tightly to my ears. If I was dreaming this was the time to wake up, before I got too sucked up inside this moment.

"How have you been?"

I wound my arm around my body and walked back to the kitchen as the kettle started to whistle. It also gave me some time to digest the fact that this was in fact really not a dream.

"Good. You? Are you back in London?"

My eyes widened as the words spilled out. I had been keeping a track of him, not stalking. But when my friend, who happened to be a massive fan, forwarded me an article about Henry's leaked pictures from a set in the States, I couldn't stop myself from searching more about him.

"I-I mean, are you in London?"

"Uh-uh yeah."

The uncomfortable silence between us signified everything that I had lost. I could hear him breath, slow and steady, probably lost for words just like me. What were we to say? I couldn't unring the bell, I had singlehandedly destroyed our friendship because I had become selfish for his love.

"How's-"

"Are you-"

We both spoke at the same time, interrupting each other. Henry chuckled awkwardly and so did I. I fell warm listening to the rumble of his voice. I had missed it terribly.

"You go on," he said a moment later.

"How's Kal? Has he gotten any bigger?"

"Bigger, no. But stronger, definitely. Pulls me around sometime. But he's a good boy."

The admiration in his voice was palpable. A smile appeared on my face as I heard him talk about his pal.

"How is everything on your end?"

I could feel sucked back to reality again in an instant. I looked around me, a few take out boxes from last night sat near the waste bins. I forgot to take out the trash again. Did I really want him to know what a spectacle my life had become? I had also seen the few gossip articles about him possibly cozying with his female cast mate. He seemed like he was living the life and I did not want to be the Debbie Downer right now.

"Great actually." The amount of fake excitement I had to muster was already draining me. "Um-we just woke up. Getting some tea brewing and then work. Days are busy but we get by."

"We?" He asked making me wonder if he knew about Dan. It wasn't possible because we really didn't share that many mutual friends and neither had Dan.

"Yes. Dan and I? Did you forget I got married?" I also wanted to add how he had walked away from the ceremony. But I stopped myself. We weren't really in the place to point fingers at each other anymore.

"Wha-... oh." An awkward moment of silence stretched between us. If he kept prodding about my married life, I wasn't sure I would be able to keep up. "Very well. Would you like to meet? Maybe have some expresso at home like the old times?"

I desperately wanted to see him and hear him talk, be close to him and feel his warmth. But that meant I would have to feign lies in person and that scared me more. Henry would know, I was absolutely certain about it.

I was about to come up with an excuse when he spoke. "Please," it was so faint, I would have missed it if I hadn't been paying attention.

I swallowed, unable to process his request. He pleaded almost like he wanted to say it to himself. And so I agreed.

The following evening I found myself standing outside his door, the cold winds making me shiver despite the heavy overcoat I was wearing. My hands were cold and I had to rub them a few times before ringing his doorbell.

I heard Kal bark which brought a smile to my face. But my heart skipped a beat as soon as Henry opened the door, standing in front of me in the flesh.

He looked like he had frozen in time because he didn't look a day older than I had seen him last. His hair seemed to be a bit longer though and his usually clean shaved face covered with a faint stubble. He looked bigger than before, dressed in a blue jumper and denim. Staring at him, in his blue eyes, I felt like life had been breathed back in me.

I had to swallow before I could speak. "Hi."

"Come in," he gave way for me to enter. I removed my overcoat, the warmth of his home enveloping me. Henry's fingers slightly grazed my skin as he took the coat from me to put it on the hanger. I felt a tingling sensation run throughout my body by that mere touch.

Kal barked at me for attention and I crouched down to pet him. "Hey buddy, you got stronger I hear. And you are much more cuter now too." I ruffled his fur and he jumped on me to lick my face. I fell backwards on my bum, with the big fluffy bear on top of me, licking my face with excitement.

"Kal," Henry's stern voice was enough to stop the pooch. "Calm down now." Like an obedient child, the dog walked away from us and sat himself on a big cushion.

"I'm sorry. He just got so excited." He outstretched a hand for me and pulled me up as I held onto him. We were so close when I stood up, our chests nearly touching but both of us took a step back in a second.

"Um.. Come on, I've already started on the coffee." Henry walked away towards his kitchen and I silently followed.

"You redecorated?" I asked, noticing a few picture frames that were missing from the walls. I had picked them for him once, from a local market. It pained me to think he got rid of it.

"No. I have them in my room." The way he understood what I was talking about, threw me off. "I like them there. It-it reminds me of you."

I tried to not read too much into that sentence. I just smiled and took a seat in a chair. I silently watched as he got two cups of coffee to the table, taking a seat from across me. My hands were getting cold with the overwhelming feeling of being in front of him. I took the cup in my hands and sighed.

"How's work? Are you still working at the same firm?" He inquired. His eyes fixated on me, his blue eyes vibrant.

"Yes. It's okay. I mean it's... Just okay."

"Dan's alright?"

I looked down at the steaming cup, condensation forming on the brim with the steam. I had to fake it in front of him. But I could near about crumble before him. I took a deep breath, calming myself.

"Yeah. He's alright. Busy with work." I took a sip because I had to do something with my hands. I was so nervous, I could feel my hands grasp tightly onto the cup. "Have you taken up any projects?"

"I just got back from the US. On-site production." Silence fell between us. I could still feel his eyes on me, but I dared not look up. I heard him sigh. "Listen, I ran into Dan yesterday."

I froze. The beating of my racing heart increasing its tempo as the seconds went by.

"He told me about what happened. You don't have to lie. You don't have to hide."

I stared at my cup, wanting to drown in the liquid. What was I to say now? I was caught, my life open in front of him.

"Hey," He touched my hand, his warm skin over my trembling cold ones. "When did we reach a point where we couldn't share about our lives? Do you not take me as a friend anymore? Please look at me."

My breaths were coming out shaky and I trembled under his gaze. Henry's eyes were soft and concerned. A curly lock fell on his forehead, his eyes searching mine.

"I am so sorry I bailed out on you. I am arsehole. A complete arsehole. If I could just-"

"I have to go." I interrupted him. I felt like he was going to call me his friend again. I could not bear to hear him say how he loved me like a friend.

"What?" the surprise evident on his face.

"I have to go," I stood up quick, his hand falling from mine. My heart pounded in my chest, tightening and dread filled me. It was becoming difficult for me to breath and my eyes stung with the tears that were about to flow.

"No, please, wait" Henry grabbed a hold of my wrist. "Why are you leaving?"

"I-I can't be your friend, Henry." My voice trembled. I pursed my lips to stop from letting the tears flow. "I can't do this."

"Do you not love me anymore?"

My eyes widened. Everything that had happened since the day I had said it to him over the video call, flashed before my eyes. I had lost everything because he couldn't love me the way I wanted him to and yet, I still loved him. So much.

"Henry," a stray tear escaped my eye, cascading down my cheek. "I could never stop loving you."

With a gentle tug, Henry turned me around to face him. I refused to look at him because I was a mess. Now the tears flowed like a dam, which had been trying to hold on for so long, had finally broken. Everything was out in the open. I had no reason to hide my feelings, because this was it. Today when I walked out of his door, I wanted to feel like I didn't lose my chance to tell him how much I loved him.

"I love you too."

And those were the words I had been longing to hear, but also what I didn't expect. I looked at him, surprised, shocked rather, and waited for him to continue.

Henry held me by my shoulders, closing the distance us as he stood in front of me."I was stupid to not see it at first. And when I did realize how much I love you, it was already too late. You were already someone else's, someone's future wife. And I... I thought you only wanted me as a friend. And I wanted to be your friend, because I could never let you go out of my life, even if it meant I had to see you with him."

My hands hanged by my side, I was frozen. The tears streamed down my face as sobs escaped my lips.

"Don't cry, please." Henry took me in his arms. His warm embrace surrounding me, melting me. I clutched onto his jumper, the sobs shaking me as a myriad of feelings washed over me. His scent, only his, engulfed me as I breathed in.

"I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I've already lost so much time with you. I don't want to miss out on this chance, I don't want to miss out on us. If you would just let me love you, I promise I would not hurt you, ever again."

He held me in his arms as I sobbed against his chest. Time stool still in that moment. This was enough. If I had to die now, I gladly would. All I wanted was to be with him if life was about to leave my body.

"Say something, please." He pleaded. I could feel the thumping of his heart. I placed my hand over his chest feeling the beating under my hand.

I pushed gently away from him, his arms still around me. I loved this man with every fiber of my being. My missing half, the final piece to my puzzle. His eyes glistened with moisture and my heart crushed. I had never seen Henry cry, he was always tough and I never wanted to be the reason for him to cry.

Placing a hand on his cheek, him leaning against it, I stood up on my toes. With a tentative step, I kissed him. His lips felt soft against mine, unmoving for a second, before he pulled me closer and deepend the kiss.

Fresh new tears flowed from my eyes as I wound my arms around his neck, our lips moving in perfect sync. When we let go, a faint smile appeared on our lips.

Henry placed his forehead against mine, taking a deep breath. His hand caressed my cheek, his thumb wiping my tear stained cheeks.

The cacophony of sounds from the guests gathering downstairs travelled up to my room. I looked down from the window, careful to not make my presence obvious, at the open roof lobby that made way towards the lawn.

I looked at the guests, trying to spot anyone that I could recognize. I saw my parents greeting the new arrivals along with Dan's parents on the other side. They looked happy, their daughter was getting married. I was glad that I had stuck to my decision of saying yes to Dan.

But then why did my eyes searched for the one man for whom I was ready to give this all up?

I took my seat back at the vanity table. Everyone kept teasing me about the glow on my face with the impending marital bliss, but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a woman who was simply wearing a mask to hide what really lied within.

Henry had tried contacting me again, several times actually. Why wouldn't he? I was one of his 'most precious friends' after all. I had begun making excuses to avoid him after the first couple of contacts. It was always a difficult task for me to ignore his call, flip my phone or put it on silent. Everytime I did it, it was like I was unnecessarily punishing him for something he wasn't at fault for.

I had to protect my heart though, because I knew if I kept him lingering in the fringes of my life, I would never move on.

Henry seemed to have gotten my message eventually, for his calls gave way to scattered texts, with complete radio silence on his end a few weeks ago. My fingers always hovered over his name, because everytime I thought about him, I wanted to make the call, hear his voice for one last time.

Placing my head in my hands, I took deep breaths trying to calm myself. I was spiraling down the same hell hole again. With great difficulty I had gathered myself over the months, but today it was proving to be very difficult to block him from my thoughts.

I sniffled, as my group of bridesmaids came inside the room accompanied by their squeals and laughter.

"Superman in hear," one of them announced in a sing-song voice, "That suit looks so... Unnghh.." She fanned herself while they all giggled along.

While I felt my heart race, pounding against my ribcage. Henry was here, somewhere downstairs. I was supposed to walk down the aisle any minute now and vow to love and cherish Dan while the person I actually love, the one I would rather have with me on the altar, was going to be watching me and clapping for us when I would be pronounced Dan's "lawfully wedded wife."

***

"Don't go to the wedding. It is going to be painful to watch her with an another man." My brother had warned me last night.

"I have to," I had retorted.

"But why?"

"I have to tell her... Tell her how I feel." It sounded stupider now that I was hearing myself say it. But I wanted her to know, I wanted her to understand that I loved her.

"On her wedding day, mate? What are going to accomplish? You are going to mess her up. Whereas for you, you are going to be fucked up by looking at her at the altar with the other guy."

I could hear my brother's words, but I absolutely refused to understand what he meant. She needed to know. I was haunted everyday with the thought of causing her grief. I wanted her to know how deep my love is, how when I think about her eyes filling up with tears, I want to kiss them away.

Was I hoping she would leave Dan for me?

Maybe.

As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I hated myself even more. It was the most selfish thing I could do to her, for which I should have been ashamed and yet...

My mind came to a complete full stop when the music started playing. She was going to walk down the aisle now. The flower girls were already running towards the altar, followed by the best man and maid of honour. I cranked my neck, trying to not make it so obvious, to spot her.

I wasn't sure what I was anticipating to feel when I looked at her. It had been months since I had heard her voice, even longer since I had physically been around her. I had never felt this anxious, not even when I had attended my first movie premiere.

When I did get a look at her, every cell in my body, the eccense of my entire being, felt jittery with the magnitude of emotions washing over me.

She looked splendid, magnificently beautiful, in her white wedding gown. She looked nervous, her hand clutching her father's arm tightly. So many times she had held mine when we had been spotted out and about in London by the paparazzi. Unluckily for them, and luckily for me, she had suggested we stick to our backyards and our own expresso machines anytime we wanted to have coffee. It gave me more time with her without her having to worry about anything else.

I was way behind in the rows but right next to the aisle. When she walked closer to where I stood, I took a sharp breath. I could jump in front of her right now, stop her from marrying him. Get a hold of her hand and profess my love for her, kneel in front of her because everything that she was, I wanted to worship her.

But I couldn't.

I watched her walk by me, her head down as they pass by our row. I did not miss how her step flattered slightly but her father put a steady hand over hers.

The determination of confessing my love was slowly crumbling. I really had lost the chance. When her father placed her hand in Dan's, I felt the unbearable pain of losing her when she wasn't even mine to begin with.

***

This was my last chance.

My hands trembled as I held the gold band in between my fingers. I repeated after the minister, careful to not mess up the words, even though I was dreading as the vows were almost over.

Henry had been so close, yet it felt like there were miles between us. There wasn't a smile on his face, his eyes looked sad and solemn. But I couldn't look at him long enough to memorize every feature of his handsome face for a last time, it wouldn't be civil and neither would it be helpful.

I swallowed as my throat went dry, my hands beginning to tremble. Dan squeezed my fingers, gently and reassuringly when I slid the ring on his fingers.

I could not keep the tears from welling in my eyes. My pulse raced, my body went cold even though it was the middle of summer. Dan took both my hands in his, as the minister began reciting again.

"... promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"

The words echoed in my ears. This was it wasn't it? But could I really love Dan, be faithful when all I wanted to do was run to the man who was sitting at the very end of the rows.

"Babe?" Dan whispered, squeezing my hands.

I stared at him, his face becoming concerned as the seconds ticked by. I was supposed to say 'I do', take him as my husband. He had showered love on me over the years, made me happy in the ways he could. I had said 'yes' to him when he had proposed, I had moved in with him when he had asked. And unlike Henry, he loved me.