#sodjournal

Last week I felt distant from everyone, and this week I like to feel that I've been dong a better job at not doing that. I just get so distracted with the shows and press. I can't wait until we have some proper time off. I feel like I haven't had a vacation in a long time. I'm probably just working too hard. I should take advantage of my next off day to sleep in a little. I suppose that would help. I don't now what to do with myself these days really. This place has been quiet lately aside from the shows. It makes me nervous. 

Alex keeps getting sick. I'm half pressed to figure out what's wrong or send him somewhere to get checked out. Maybe he's just saying that and avoiding me. I don't even know, really. I mean, when we talk it's not for very long but it still makes me feel all warm and happy inside. I don't think he wants out, I don't get the idea that he does. He'd tell me, yeah? Not gonna stress it too much. 

I feel a little disconnected from everyone this past week. Sure, I've been busy. I always have things to do between the shows, interviews, and whatever else I'm tired. I can't remember the last time I talked to Jenna. I'm sure shes busy too, and I would hate to bug her if she is. I wonder if she lost interest in me since it's been so long since we talked. I should have called her. I always let the fact I'm afraid that anyone would actually love me ruin any potential relationships. Back to spending time with my guitar late at night for me I suppose. 

Soon enough. 

Other than that, my lack of enthusiasm to get outside has made me a ,...bus body. I always get so nervous that I'll see her, I just can't bring myself to get out there unless I have a show or a signing, a promotion or interviews. Typical tour shit. I'm ready for it to be over. 

I'm doing an alright job with pushing people away, only a few of them bug me anymore. I don't know that I'm happy about it, but I think it's for the best. They don't need to be caught in the crossfire, you know? Electra won, I'm terrified. 

this week has been strange, to say the least. mentally, i've been having a hard time. i don't want to tell ashley because i don't want her to worry, especially since she's pregnant. but i've been feeling more depressed lately, and the smallest of things have been giving me anxiety. i haven't felt this way in awhile -- since before ashley and i started dating, really. i've been trying to tell myself that it's nothing, but i can't help but worry that something bad is coming my way. i haven't told anyone this and i'd prefer to keep it to myself.

I'm gonna keep this one short and sweet because I'm too anxious to do much typing. 

Electra posted bail for Kylie. It's fucking terrifying, honestly - what if she stalks me down? I know I should probably get a restraining order, but what is that gonna do? She tried to have me murdered, a piece of paper isn't going to keep her away. I bet she's even more hellbent on finishing me off now that I've managed to get her in jail for a while. I've had so many panic attacks since then that I can't even begin to think about counting how many I'm up to. 

This is scary. It's really goddamn scary and I don't want to admit it to anyone. I don't want anyone to worry, that'll just make things even more real. I just don't know what to do. 

These past few days have been interesting. The only horrible thing that has happened was that incident on stage. Someone threw a fucking shoe at me. Whether it was an accident or not, it still hurt. I don't think I've ever been in that much pain since the first time I injured my knee. Of course the shoe hit that same knee that was injured and had surgery on it five months ago. I'm not going to lie that I'm a little scared to get on stage because I'm afraid something else will get thrown at me. That feeling will pass, but that day was awful.