#socialmistakes

To the few that are my followers, I just want you guys to know something about myself.

Well, it kind of relates to you all as well.

If I ever say something that seems offensive or awkward, please don't hate me.

I have something that's called Aspergers Syndrome (AS), it's similar to autism, that deals with social skills. It has nothing to do with learning impairments, it's only how I deal with social situations and my thinking process.

And I know there are a lot of people who think AS is, and I quote, "Fake", "Bullshit", "Not real", "Just people asking for attention."

But it's not fake. It's very real, and it's something many people, including myself, have to live with everyday.

A lot of it is, sometimes I make weird noises when I'm talking to someone, and I may interrupt that person without meaning to simply because AS disables me from being able to determine if it is my turn to talk or if the other person is done talking. This occurs face to face as well as on the phone.

It's the main cause that I have such an OCD for grammar, and to anyone who has an OCD and AS.

It's also why people would often hear me use much more formal speak, even as I was younger. I would use words like "Return" instead of "Come back.", and "companions" instead of "friends." It causes me to stutter, and not just on letters but whole words and phrases. It makes me think faster than I can speak, so I often jumble up my words.

It often makes me want to talk a lot, or not at all. If I do talk, it is often very one-sided and I talk about something I enjoy a lot, like a favorite subject or show.

I will often study people, they're movements and body language. This causes me to stare at other people, and it makes people think I'm weird. I don't mean to stare, it's just something that I have always done because it's pretty much the only way I can try to figure out how to act in a social situation. I watch how other people act, and I try to mimic it. I do that to try to camouflage my social confusion. 

It makes me often have weird gestures and postures, and strange facial expressions.

It causes me to be very preoccupied in certain interests, of which I can be very knowledgeable about. People like me who have AS are often  overly interested in unusual or whole activities, like studying astronomy and drawing highly detailed scenes.

People like me with AS also have heightened sensitivity and will become overstimulated by loud noises, bright lights, strong tastes and/or textures.

I tend to avoid social situations when I can, instead reading, or drawing, or just chilling on my own.

As I was growing up, I often didn't play with other children and especially avoided playing with girls. I played on my own, so I could do things my own way. My interests were much different from other girls', not by what they were, but by the quality of them.

I was often found organizing my toys, rather than sharing them or playing with them like a normal girl would.

I was never interested in the latest fad, fashion or way to be cool. I've always been a girl just for comfort. I would always choose comfort over frills, and many pockets over pretty patterns.

I would and still do escape into fiction and fantasy worlds. I have an above average vocabulary and write many stories of my own. And even though I'm 15, I still have imaginary friends that I talk to on a daily basis. 

I've always enjoyed the company of animals over humans, preferably cats. They are safe. They are loyal, appreciative friends that will never tease or reject.

I have always wanted good friends, someone to help me with my social awkwardness growing up and someone to lead the way for me. But as I found out when I was very young, there are a lot of people who can't be trusted. There were many people who used me and took advantage of my social immaturity, naivety, and desperation for a friend.

For the times where social events were unavoidable, I preferred hanging out with boys whose play was more adventurous and constructive rather than emotional and based on conversation.

I have often thought I was born with the mind of a boy rather than a girl because I have a greater understanding and appreciation for the interests, thinking, and humor of boys.

Growing up, and even today, I have never followed society's idea of femininity. I've often been described as a tomboy, and I embraced that. The other girls would play with dolls and fake make-up, and I would be playing with my brother climbing trees and stuff. I've always avoided perfume and make-up. Throughout my life, I have been known as the good student, but that is only so I don't get recognized as different by the teacher.

I have developed a very-low self esteem because of bullying and teasing by classmates and so-called friends.

I have always been terrified of making a mistake. When I do make a social mistake, I apologize often. I always recognized when I made a mistake and would then 'hide' as to try to not make another mistake. I would stay out of sight when in a group or just around people in general, so I wouldn't be noticed. I developed intense anxiety and an inability to speak when talking is expected.

I would suffer in silence, and be a very different girl at home than I was at school. I would be very passive-aggressive towards my family as to control them and my social situations at home. The suppressed confusion and anger are released at home with rage, as I would often destroy some of the things in my room. It was, and still is, like I have two personalities. The meek girl at school and the violent girl at home.

The way I've coped is the only way I've ever known how to cope. Through imagination. I would create my own world where I was loved for who I was and am, unlike the real world. I could and would and still will relate with a character from a book or story. I've always had a fascination with Japan, in hopes of going there and being accepted by people with an interest in the culture of Japan, like me. I've developed a deep interest with science fiction and fantasy worlds with fairies and and goblins and people with special powers. The fantasy worlds I would create or discover would by my way of avoiding, not distorting, reality and giving myself a better life and social life.

So yes, Aspergers is a very real thing, and it's something I live with every day. Now understand, these are only the things I experience with my AS. There are other symptoms that I don't experience, but they number in few. The symptoms are different for boys and girls, and children and adults. There are different ways of coping.

One of the other things with AS is the fact that I could never fit in. And because I could never fit in, I always tried to imitate others. The stress and strain of trying to act normal and still being rejected and bullied left me sunken in a depression that I'm still recovering from. It caused me to have an eating disorder, bulimia to be exact. I even have multiple personalities now, something that I didn't have as a kid but that I developed as a result of my struggles with AS.

I'm still learning to cope with my social struggles. I'm still learning to go out more, and not be locked up in my bedroom so much. I'm still learning to make friends. I'm still learning to have a normal conversation.

And I'm still learning to be myself. 

It's never been easy for me, because I have always felt that I should never show my real self because I have always been different, and I have always been cast out because of that. 

I've never been able to just be who I am, I've always had to act. It's something that I still struggle with. 

Growing up and dealing with these struggles with AS, it wasn't exactly easy. It made it very hard for me to deal with loss, and I cried and was alone for months when my best and only friend in elementary school died just after she turned 11. That was in 2009. I still cry over her. Then in 2011, my great grandfather died. I still cry over him. 

I've recovered from my bulimia, but it's not rare for me to nearly relapse. I've stopped my habit of cutting my wrist, though there are still times that I itch to cut. I don't like telling my friends about how I feel because I don't want to be a burden. I vent through writing, drawing, painting, singing, and dancing.

AS is very real, I cannot stress enough just how real it is. It's not 'fake'. It's not 'bullshit'. It's not 'just begging for attention'. It is an actual mental disorder, that many people, including myself, have.

It is not made up.

It is not awesome.

It is not cool.

It is not something that can be cured with medicine.

It is not evil.

It is not an excuse.

It is not evolution.

It is not a joke.

It is not a lie.

It is not a learning disability.

It is not mental retardation.

It is not autism.

It is not a gift.

But, it is difficult.

It is frustrating.

It can be violent.

It can make you suicidal.

It can ruin a relationship or marriage.

It is a legal disability.

It is considered a mental illness.

It is close to autism, but not the same thing.

It can have an affect on family and friends.

It is genetic. 

It is influenced, in a very small part, by environment.

It is hell to live with.

It is real.

It is often misunderstood, because of people making assumptions in their ignorance.

It is on the autism spectrum.

It is on the high-functioning part of the spectrum.

It is often that people with AS have average or above average intelligence.

It is sort of rare, but estimations are in a very wide range, from 1 in 250 to 1 in 5,000 children.

So to all of the people who think that AS is fake, maybe you should do some real research and talk to someone who has it before calling bullshit.