Day 3
Iāve had so many day 3 I canāt even tell you. Someday there will be a last day 3, itās too soon to tell if this is the one. I have to just take everything one second, one minute, one hour, one day, one week at a time. All I think about is using. I wish I could take a pill to get rid of those urges, but isnāt that the problem in the first place? Just wanting to take aĀ āpillā of some kind to fix my problems? Facing this thing head on is really hard, and I feel like I have so many eyes on me all the time. My aunt and uncle, I know, donāt trust that this will be the last time. They had never quite seen the severity of my problem until the day I made my first post and ever since then I feel like a charity case, like they are constantly surveilling me.Ā āCan I go to a meeting with you?āĀ āWe are here for you.āĀ āHow are you feeling today?āĀ
How am I supposed to answer those questions? āMy meeting leader said itās best to come alone.āĀ (No, you canāt come to a meeting with me. Weāre all our most honest selves when our families ARENāT around. Family trauma is partially why Iām in this position in the first place!) āI know, thank you.āĀ (I know youāre here for me, but I feel smothered. I feel infantilized.) āI feel fine.ā (Today I feel like I want to use, and itās the only thing I can think about. You constantly checking in on me makes me feel worse, makes me feel like I canāt even trust myself. Like you canāt trust me. I feel like I need to move out of this house for my sanity. I feel like Iām grasping at straws to find any semblance of independence.)Ā āI feel totally fine.āĀ
I need people in my corner, absolutely. That fact I will never deny. There are certain types of people, however, that are far more... I donāt want to say valuable but I will say valuable to my journey than my aunt and uncle. They would never want to hear that, and of course Iām never going to tell them because they have the best of intentions but really, they have NO clue what Iām going through. They have NO clue what kind of trauma Iāve dealt with in my life. They know, to some extent, the trauma that my immediate family put me through. The divorce, the step parents, my brotherās physical and emotional abuse towards me. I tried to open up the other day about the other non-familial traumas that Iāve been through and it was clear immediately they didnāt know how to handle that. This is what Iāve been trying to tell them. They constantly askĀ āhow can I help you?ā I DONāT KNOW. Iām in a constant state of grieving and that is not something a grieving person can answer. I donāt know how you can help me because you guys donāt understand. You have everything. You have each other, beautiful children, multiple homes, cars, stability, a healthy relationship with food and alcohol, never done drugs, little to no debilitating trauma. I donāt know how you can help.Ā
I need people like me in my corner. I know it sounds counterintuitive, like the blind leading the blind but thatās the truth of the situation. Thatās the only way Iāll make it through. In group therapy we like to think of it as creating a chain. Everyday we extend (virtually) a hand to the nextĀ āsisterā (I donāt love that thatās the phrasing this group uses because I think it is a bit cis normative but whatever I will overlook that for now) to promise another 24 hours of sobriety. We hold each other accountable, and when we do it it feels more supportive than accusatory or shameful. Thatās the vast difference in the wayĀ āHelpā feels from them and my family, because my sisters know. They understand. We can connect on a level that even those who have known me my whole life will never understand.Ā
