He should have known that Neil would never let it be as simple as that. Not when he had seen that fiery tongue of his lash out and tear down others much fiercer than he (something he would never admit to his junkie lest he get the bright idea to continue to do so). Not when Neil knew him better than he knew himself and could tell when he was trying to retreat behind walls. So he pushed and pushed until Andrew pushed back and they were left at a standstill, chest heaving with anger and hurt until they could barely look each other in the eyes.

           Andrew moved first, turning on his heels to grab his keys and storming out the door with a slam that shouldn’t have been nearly as satisfying as it was. He ignored the worried look from his cousin and the bored indifferent one from his brother before he stalked through the living room and kitchen to the garage. The roar of the engine felt good, the vibrations rippling through his body in the same angry beat of his heart. Rubber burned the streets as he pushed the vehicle faster and further than he was legally supposed to but the way the world blurred outside his windows made the possibility of any ticket worth it. He let himself get lost in it — letting his anger fester and grow without lashing out at someone undeserving. (Without lashing out at Neil.)

           It was stupid. His anger was stupid. What did it matter if people knew that Neil and he were something more than just bandmates? That there was something more between them than the nothing they pretended they were in the eyes of the media? He had long since stopped caring about what the media said about him, so why did it matter to him if Neil told them they were… dating. And yet the very idea made him sick — twisted something so tight inside him that he had to curl his fingers in fist to stop them from shaking. He hated it, hated Neil for making him feel something as useless as fear.

           Because that’s what it was even if deep down he wanted to deny that he was capable of such thing anymore (as much as he told himself that was true). He was afraid that if he let people see this something between Neil and him then it would all fall apart. That everything would crumble when it finally just felt like the ground settled beneath his feet and those jagged parts of himself dulled and slotted themselves pleasantly with Neil’s own. To complicate that — to expose that part of himself for other eyes to poke and prod — it was too much. Too much too fast and he was afraid. Because maybe then Neil would finally see the broken pieces for what they are, broken and beyond repair. Maybe then he’d realize that waiting for them to mend and heal was a lost cause. But Neil was as pathetically loyal as he was stubborn, and Andrew knew that he would wait forever if he had to for Andrew to be ready.

           You could leave, a tiny voice whispered in his ear. You could leave and spare him the choice. Make it for him.

Andrew knew that leaving Neil would have consequences. Knew that if he followed through with it, the careful balance the two of them had crafted would come tumbling down and shatter into pieces. That even he would not be able to repair the damages. And yet, when the idea popped in his mind and he didn’t dismiss it as quickly as he would have done before — that for half a second longer he considered it — he knew that he had decided.

it starts with someone knocking on his door and barging in a few seconds later

He shoots out of bed reaching for the nearest weapon (which happens to be his guitar) when he realizes it’s Matt

Matt with a giant grin on his face and a tray of breakfast food

Neil is certifiably confused but he’s also  powerless to resist Matt’s 1000 watt smile and accepts breakfast

It’s the most confusing breakfast he’s had in a while (but also delicious since it had all his favorites)

When Matt takes the tray away Neil thinks the weirdness has to be over

Nope

Allison and Nicky barge in next & demand he gets dressed

Neil is wondering what is going on with his life

They force him into “decent” clothes and proceed to drag him into Allison’s Porsche for a mall trip

Nicky is filming the entire time

And snapchatting

and just generally shoving a camera in Neil’s face every three seconds

Neil would hate it if it didn’t make Nicky smile as wide as Matt

SO they drag him through various stores  buying way too much clothing for themselves AND him to the point where they have to hire someone to carry all the bags

Neil feels awful for the poor soul

Finally finally Neil manages to get away and texts Andrew in hopes of figuring out what the hell is going on

Andrew doesn’t reply

Which is weird

Before he can try calling, Nicky an Allison find him and drag him off to lunch in some posh restaurant that gives them weird looks that none of them care about

Allison sidles up to his side and starts making smart remarks about the other patrons while Nicky does his absolute best to make the more conservative read racist and bigoted assholes uncomfortable

It’s the best lunch he’s had in a while

After that they take him back home and Neil starts towards Andrew’s room both in search of the man and to escape whatever weird nonsense has gotten into the foxes

Too bad Dan & Renee are lying in wait for him the moment he walks in the door

They are going to the gym and Neil absolutely has to come

Neil accepts his fate that today is just going to be filled with foxes

But at least he gets an hour on the treadmill

Dan & Renee challenge him on various machines at the gym and even teach him some dance moves when he admits to never using the dance studio at the facility

He thinks he may have to use some of the moves next time Nicky drags him on the dance floor at Edens

Once more he’s taken home and tries for Andrew’s room

He almost makes it to the door when Kevin drags him to his room instead

Kevin shoves Neil’s guitar in his hand and demands they practice their latest project

Neil rolls his eyes but obliges all the same (he’s learned a long time ago that you don’t deny Kevin practice unless you want a hissy fit)

It’s probably the only normal thing about his day

Only... Kevin doesn’t really yell at him

Or like, doesn’t yell at him nearly as much as he normally would

Now Neil is really freaked out

Especially when he lets Neil go after only an hour

Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, he dashes out of the room & to Andrew’s

He knocks but there’s no answer

He checks his phone but there are no calls and no texts

Things have gone from weird to suspicious

Going back downstairs he starts looking for signs that Andrew has been around at all

What he finds instead are Aaron and Seth on the couch playing video games

He’s about to ignore them both when Seth tells him to sit his ass down and join them because they need a third player to help them beat this level

Neil is awful at games so he doesn’t know why they would want him to play

But neither of them are taking a No for an answer even if they look like they rather him not play

Which is why Neil finds himself stuck on the living room couch for about an hour trying to figure out exactly how the controls were supposed to work and really doing more harm than help at this point

Seth eventually gets frustrated and starts showing Neil how to play while Aaron makes smart remarks but heals Neil every time he gets low health

Somehow they end up beating the level

They are about to start another when Renee pops her head in and calls them in for dinner

Neil looks at his phone and sees that its nearly 7 o’clock

Still zero messages from Andrew

before Aaron can walk away Neil stops him and asks if he knows where his twin is at

Aaron gives him a vague shrug and says he’ll show up when he wants to and leaves before Neil can ask just exactly what the fuck that means

Neil walks into the kitchen

Surprise it’s packed full of all the foxes + Wymack and Abby

The table is filled with food & drinks and Neil is ushered to the head of the table while the rest of them fill the seats around him

The night is filled with chatter and laughter as everyone digs into the food and jokes around

Neil’s chest fills with warmth at the sight of his family gathered together safe and happy at his side

But something also feels like it’s missing

He checks his phone but still not a word from Andrew

Excusing himself from his plate, he steps outside into the cool night air and calls Andrew

He picks up on the third ring

“Andrew?“

“Neil.“

His voice sends a shiver down Neil’s spine and he sighs, feeling like something clicked into place

“Where are you?“

“Come back inside“

The line goes dead and Neil spins on his heels racing for the door

When he walks back in the house (more like stumbling really in his haste) he is met by all the foxes standing in the kitchen

The lights are dim & in the center of them is a cake with lit candles bordering the top

But what Neil notices more is that Andrew is the one holding it

Absently he remembers that it’s his birthday today

They sing happy birthday

And Neil is definitely not crying

his eyes just sting a little okay?

definitely not because somehow they made this birthday even better than last year

Nope.

Andrew walks forward and holds out the cake for Neil to blow out the candles

Neil has to keep himself in check from asking yes or no right then and there

He blows them out and the foxes cheer piling on him with hugs and kisses before shoving gift upon gift into his arms

But the best gift is Andrew silently moving to his side after everyone drifts off to enjoy the rest of the night

Their fingers link together despite the room filled with wandering eyes and cameras 

Neil squeezes them ever so slightly in thanks

But Andrew isn’t done

He pulls at their joined hands until Neil is standing chest to chest with him and his other goes to its place on the back of his neck

“Yes or no?“

His answer has never changed

           Then Neil stumbles over a note Andrew knows he’s long since mastered and that same something filled his stomach. Danger. It was like an alarm blaring in his mind, screeching and high pitched in clear warning of something to come. But Andrew didn’t know what. Fuck Neil. Fuck him for ever worming his way under his skin and making him feel when he doesn’t want to. Fuck him. He ignores that whisper in his head telling him he doesn’t mean that because he does. He hates Neil — hates him with the core of his very being and is done with him. (Liar.)

           When the song ends, Andrew gears up for their final number. Of course, he would have to play that stupid song Neil made from their two journals — the one they played together in the dead of night with no one else around to see Andrew pick up his drumsticks for the singer. No one to see the way Andrew stared at Neil’s lips as they crooned into the microphone of an empty studio room like he was giving Andrew his own personal concert. Fuck him.

           He waits for Neil to give him the signal to begin but is stopped with a small shake of Neil’s head. Instead, Neil turns back to the crowd and starts talking to them. The alarm gets louder. Andrew is almost completely deafened by the time Neil turns to him last.

           “Thank you.” Those twin blue eyes meet his hazel and the world goes silent. Words swim in that gaze, but they are all too fast for Andrew to grasp and understand, leaving him feeling like he missed something important. Some warning. “You were amazing.”

           Those eyes turn away and Andrew is left reeling in their wake. He doesn’t remember walking off the stage nor how he was nearly to the back exit before Neil’s voice reaches his ears and he’s sprinting back for the stage, shoving Nicky and Kevin out of the way until he’s at the front.

           Neil had only ever sung like this twice in his life. The first was that day back in Millport, the one that led Kevin and him to Neil in the first place. The second was the concert Riko crashed and Neil spilled himself open on the microphone to cover Kevin’s panic. This. This was something else entirely.

           Blue met hazel and Andrew could see the unshed tears swim in those glacial pools. Wrong. Everything was wrong.

           The song ends on a dying breath and Andrew feels like he’s drowning. He can feel the roar of the crowd and the Foxes was over him, sense their growing frenzy as they scream for Neil to give them more of himself — for Neil to bleed for them again — but he can’t see a damn thing other than Neil heaving at the microphone as he tries to bandage himself back together. When he turns to the foxes once more tears are dangerously close to spilling over the edge even as his own smile curves his lips. Andrew watches him and tries to piece together the torrent of emotions that flood him. But after years of numbing himself to everything but hatred and indifference, has left him unable to do anything but carve a blank mask to hide the turmoil beneath the surface.

He takes a step closer to Neil — to do what he doesn’t know, but the need to feel the heat of his skin against his own forces his body forward before his mind can stop it.