#sn&e

it starts with someone knocking on his door and barging in a few seconds later

He shoots out of bed reaching for the nearest weapon (which happens to be his guitar) when he realizes it’s Matt

Matt with a giant grin on his face and a tray of breakfast food

Neil is certifiably confused but he’s also  powerless to resist Matt’s 1000 watt smile and accepts breakfast

It’s the most confusing breakfast he’s had in a while (but also delicious since it had all his favorites)

When Matt takes the tray away Neil thinks the weirdness has to be over

Nope

Allison and Nicky barge in next & demand he gets dressed

Neil is wondering what is going on with his life

They force him into “decent” clothes and proceed to drag him into Allison’s Porsche for a mall trip

Nicky is filming the entire time

And snapchatting

and just generally shoving a camera in Neil’s face every three seconds

Neil would hate it if it didn’t make Nicky smile as wide as Matt

SO they drag him through various stores  buying way too much clothing for themselves AND him to the point where they have to hire someone to carry all the bags

Neil feels awful for the poor soul

Finally finally Neil manages to get away and texts Andrew in hopes of figuring out what the hell is going on

Andrew doesn’t reply

Which is weird

Before he can try calling, Nicky an Allison find him and drag him off to lunch in some posh restaurant that gives them weird looks that none of them care about

Allison sidles up to his side and starts making smart remarks about the other patrons while Nicky does his absolute best to make the more conservative read racist and bigoted assholes uncomfortable

It’s the best lunch he’s had in a while

After that they take him back home and Neil starts towards Andrew’s room both in search of the man and to escape whatever weird nonsense has gotten into the foxes

Too bad Dan & Renee are lying in wait for him the moment he walks in the door

They are going to the gym and Neil absolutely has to come

Neil accepts his fate that today is just going to be filled with foxes

But at least he gets an hour on the treadmill

Dan & Renee challenge him on various machines at the gym and even teach him some dance moves when he admits to never using the dance studio at the facility

He thinks he may have to use some of the moves next time Nicky drags him on the dance floor at Edens

Once more he’s taken home and tries for Andrew’s room

He almost makes it to the door when Kevin drags him to his room instead

Kevin shoves Neil’s guitar in his hand and demands they practice their latest project

Neil rolls his eyes but obliges all the same (he’s learned a long time ago that you don’t deny Kevin practice unless you want a hissy fit)

It’s probably the only normal thing about his day

Only... Kevin doesn’t really yell at him

Or like, doesn’t yell at him nearly as much as he normally would

Now Neil is really freaked out

Especially when he lets Neil go after only an hour

Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, he dashes out of the room & to Andrew’s

He knocks but there’s no answer

He checks his phone but there are no calls and no texts

Things have gone from weird to suspicious

Going back downstairs he starts looking for signs that Andrew has been around at all

What he finds instead are Aaron and Seth on the couch playing video games

He’s about to ignore them both when Seth tells him to sit his ass down and join them because they need a third player to help them beat this level

Neil is awful at games so he doesn’t know why they would want him to play

But neither of them are taking a No for an answer even if they look like they rather him not play

Which is why Neil finds himself stuck on the living room couch for about an hour trying to figure out exactly how the controls were supposed to work and really doing more harm than help at this point

Seth eventually gets frustrated and starts showing Neil how to play while Aaron makes smart remarks but heals Neil every time he gets low health

Somehow they end up beating the level

They are about to start another when Renee pops her head in and calls them in for dinner

Neil looks at his phone and sees that its nearly 7 o’clock

Still zero messages from Andrew

before Aaron can walk away Neil stops him and asks if he knows where his twin is at

Aaron gives him a vague shrug and says he’ll show up when he wants to and leaves before Neil can ask just exactly what the fuck that means

Neil walks into the kitchen

Surprise it’s packed full of all the foxes + Wymack and Abby

The table is filled with food & drinks and Neil is ushered to the head of the table while the rest of them fill the seats around him

The night is filled with chatter and laughter as everyone digs into the food and jokes around

Neil’s chest fills with warmth at the sight of his family gathered together safe and happy at his side

But something also feels like it’s missing

He checks his phone but still not a word from Andrew

Excusing himself from his plate, he steps outside into the cool night air and calls Andrew

He picks up on the third ring

“Andrew?“

“Neil.“

His voice sends a shiver down Neil’s spine and he sighs, feeling like something clicked into place

“Where are you?“

“Come back inside“

The line goes dead and Neil spins on his heels racing for the door

When he walks back in the house (more like stumbling really in his haste) he is met by all the foxes standing in the kitchen

The lights are dim & in the center of them is a cake with lit candles bordering the top

But what Neil notices more is that Andrew is the one holding it

Absently he remembers that it’s his birthday today

They sing happy birthday

And Neil is definitely not crying

his eyes just sting a little okay?

definitely not because somehow they made this birthday even better than last year

Nope.

Andrew walks forward and holds out the cake for Neil to blow out the candles

Neil has to keep himself in check from asking yes or no right then and there

He blows them out and the foxes cheer piling on him with hugs and kisses before shoving gift upon gift into his arms

But the best gift is Andrew silently moving to his side after everyone drifts off to enjoy the rest of the night

Their fingers link together despite the room filled with wandering eyes and cameras 

Neil squeezes them ever so slightly in thanks

But Andrew isn’t done

He pulls at their joined hands until Neil is standing chest to chest with him and his other goes to its place on the back of his neck

“Yes or no?“

His answer has never changed

He should have known that Neil would never let it be as simple as that. Not when he had seen that fiery tongue of his lash out and tear down others much fiercer than he (something he would never admit to his junkie lest he get the bright idea to continue to do so). Not when Neil knew him better than he knew himself and could tell when he was trying to retreat behind walls. So he pushed and pushed until Andrew pushed back and they were left at a standstill, chest heaving with anger and hurt until they could barely look each other in the eyes.

           Andrew moved first, turning on his heels to grab his keys and storming out the door with a slam that shouldn’t have been nearly as satisfying as it was. He ignored the worried look from his cousin and the bored indifferent one from his brother before he stalked through the living room and kitchen to the garage. The roar of the engine felt good, the vibrations rippling through his body in the same angry beat of his heart. Rubber burned the streets as he pushed the vehicle faster and further than he was legally supposed to but the way the world blurred outside his windows made the possibility of any ticket worth it. He let himself get lost in it — letting his anger fester and grow without lashing out at someone undeserving. (Without lashing out at Neil.)

           It was stupid. His anger was stupid. What did it matter if people knew that Neil and he were something more than just bandmates? That there was something more between them than the nothing they pretended they were in the eyes of the media? He had long since stopped caring about what the media said about him, so why did it matter to him if Neil told them they were… dating. And yet the very idea made him sick — twisted something so tight inside him that he had to curl his fingers in fist to stop them from shaking. He hated it, hated Neil for making him feel something as useless as fear.

           Because that’s what it was even if deep down he wanted to deny that he was capable of such thing anymore (as much as he told himself that was true). He was afraid that if he let people see this something between Neil and him then it would all fall apart. That everything would crumble when it finally just felt like the ground settled beneath his feet and those jagged parts of himself dulled and slotted themselves pleasantly with Neil’s own. To complicate that — to expose that part of himself for other eyes to poke and prod — it was too much. Too much too fast and he was afraid. Because maybe then Neil would finally see the broken pieces for what they are, broken and beyond repair. Maybe then he’d realize that waiting for them to mend and heal was a lost cause. But Neil was as pathetically loyal as he was stubborn, and Andrew knew that he would wait forever if he had to for Andrew to be ready.

           You could leave, a tiny voice whispered in his ear. You could leave and spare him the choice. Make it for him.

Andrew knew that leaving Neil would have consequences. Knew that if he followed through with it, the careful balance the two of them had crafted would come tumbling down and shatter into pieces. That even he would not be able to repair the damages. And yet, when the idea popped in his mind and he didn’t dismiss it as quickly as he would have done before — that for half a second longer he considered it — he knew that he had decided.

           It’s stupid. Neil shouldn’t need an instrument to feel close to the person who made him real — to the person that breathed Neil Josten to life and told him to stay. But the fact is that Neil hasn’t seen or heard from Andrew in almost two months. Not since Andrew had stormed out of their room after the biggest argument they’ve ever had. He could still hear the ringing of the door slamming closed and the rev of the engine and Andrew’s sleek black car peels out of the driveway and races down their quiet suburban neighborhood.

           At first, he just thought that Andrew needed to cool his head — take his space where he needed it after Neil pushed too hard for something he wasn’t ready to give. It was fine. Neil couldn’t begrudge him that, especially when he found his own blood boiling at the mere thought of looking at his boyfriend’s seemingly indifferent face after that particular argument — after he tore himself open only to have it shoved back in his face. He was fine. So, he pulled on a pair of running shoes and lost himself in the streets surrounding their home and city until the sun sets and the sky darkens too much for him to continue. When he gets back, Andrew is still nowhere to be found and his phone is silent. That should have been his first sign that something was wrong. Andrew may disappear from time to time but he always texted Neil, even if just to tell him to leave him alone. The silence was deafening.

           But Neil didn’t heed that whisper in the back of his head, still too angry at himself and Andrew to think any more of it. It was a big argument. Maybe Andrew just needed more time to figure his own thoughts out; god knew Neil still did. He showered and went to bed, ignoring how the bed felt too big with Andrew there on the other side of the mattress and too cold without the warmth of his back pressed against a broad chest. When his eyes closed he thought to himself that tomorrow he would talk to him again. That he would fix this between them.

           He didn’t know that tomorrow would never come. That he would wait day after day with no response from Andrew, no call, no text, nothing. He tried calling only to find that the number couldn’t be reached at this time. Then Neil really started panicking. Clutching his phone tightly in a fist, he rushes out of their room and flies down the stairs until he’s skidding into the kitchen where Nicky is cooking. The tall man startles, nearly tossing the contents of the pan onto the ground as he jumps.

           “Jesus Christ Neil!” he gasps, putting the pan down and turning the flame on low. “What’s-”

           “Have you heard from Andrew?”

           His brows furrow, “Not since Friday. I just thought that he was off on one of his self-isolated road trips.”

           “Friday, you’re sure?” Neil urges him.

           “Yeah. He sent a text saying that he was taking a break and not to look for him.”

           Neil runs through his hair. “Fuck.”

           “What’s going on?” Worry starts to mar his face, but Neil is already turning away, running to the only other person who Andrew would have contacted.

           He finds Aaron sitting on the couch with his phone glued to his hand like always. So irrational part of him wonders if that was Andrew on the other end of the screen no matter the fact that Neil knows the twin have texted each other only a handful of times in the two years he’s known them. Still, he wonders.

           “Are you talking to Andrew?”

           “No.” Aaron doesn’t even bother to look up from his screen as he types away at a message.

           “Are you sure?”

           He sneers, “I think I would know if I was texting my brother or not.”

           Neil wants to tear his hair out. Or Aaron’s. “When did you hear from him last?”

           “God what’s with the third degree? Go bug someone else.”

           “Aaron,” Neil all but growls, “When did you last hear from him?”

           “Fuck you.”

           Neil dives for him then and he would have made it if not for Nicky coming out of the kitchen hot on Neil’s tail and yanking him back just in time. Aaron finally looks away from his phone and stares at Neil like he’s finally lost his mind. Maybe he had.

           “Neil calm down!” Nicky tries to push him further away, but he pulls at his arms.

           “I swear to fucking god Aaron, if you do not tell me right now, I’ll fucking kill you.”

           Aaron gives him a bored look. “What did you lose your boyfriend? Maybe he finally got tired of you.”

           Neil almost breaks free.

           “Jesus Aaron really?” Nicky sighs exasperatedly. “Kevin! Get your ass in here before you have to find a new singer!”

           Kevin ambles in from upstairs, looking for all intents and purposes like he just crawled out of bed despite it being nearly 11 am. “What the fuck is going on now?”

           “Well as you can clearly see I need your help!”

           Kevin looks between Neil and Aaron before turning around and going back upstairs.

           “KEVIN!”

           In Nicky’s moment of distraction, Neil breaks free from his grasp and grabs Aaron, yanking him off the couch and hauling him so they meet eye to eye. “If you do not tell me what I want to know right now-”

           “You’ll what?” he sneers, pulling at Neil’s grip.

           Neil only tightens it. “I was the son of a serial killer that liked to torture people for hours before he granted them even a thought towards mercy. I could kill you in ways that you could only image.”

           Aaron pales and the sneer slips slightly.

           “Neil,” Nicky whispers, voice shaking.

           He ignores him. “Now when did you last talk to him?”

           For a moment, he doesn’t think Aaron will answer him — that his stubborn nature and ill regard for Neil would keep his mouth silent. To his surprise, he answers. “Yesterday.”

           Neil lets him go, the single word enough to open the world beneath his feet and leave him feeling. “What?”

           “I said I heard from him yesterday. He texted to say that he’s going to be gone for a bit and to bug Renee if I needed anything since he wouldn’t be reachable.”

           Neil’s world bottoms out. Andrew was gone. Gone. And he left his family to Renee, not Neil. Trusted Renee to keep them safe not Neil. The message hit him like a ton of bricks: painful and clear. Andrew couldn’t trust Neil to do that job anymore, nor did he want him to.

           Nick was trying to say something to him, but the words fell on deafened ears. All he could hear was that slamming door and the rev of an engine. Over and over again. He’s flying out the door before he even registers moving — feet slapping concrete and sending shocks up his shin until it becomes painful. His lungs heave and constrict in his chest for the too little air squeezing past his throat. This time even when the sky darkens, he runs and runs until the sun peaks over the horizon again and he has to crawl to keep moving. When he gets home their bedroom is still empty and his phone is silent.

           No one hears from Andrew for two months. Kevin is pissed, seething about the fact that they had to halt the progress on their next album with their drummer missing. Nicky looks worried and flickers between mother-henning the band and locking himself in his room to skype with Erik in hushed German. The Foxes range between worried (Dan, Matt, and Wymack) and apathetic (Seth and Allison) with only Renee giving him a sad pitiful look whenever he catches her eyes. Even Aaron starts to look a bit worried, but Neil can’t bring himself to care.

Staying in the house hurts — hurts more than anything his father or Lola ever did to him as a child or adult. He spent hours staring at their empty bed from a spot where he curled up on the floor since he couldn’t bring himself to sleep in it alone. The glass doors to the balcony became impassable and the empty spot in the garage opened a pit in his chest he thought he long since filled. After the first month, he gives up and moves onto Matt and Dan’s couch after the two of them offer him a place in their new apartment together.

           He stares at the keys again, this time pressing one until a soft ping fills the room. The sound breaks something in him and he presses another. And then another and another until the room fills with a simple melody.

           The piano was never his, but Andrew taught him some of the basics during the late nights when neither of them could sleep. It was never anything more than a couple of chords here or there or how to move his hands across the keys — even if they never moved half as fast as his. He loved those nights. Loved seeing Andrew lose himself in the music that once meant so much to him, even if it meant that no one else would.

           He plays the melody over again, and then another time, adding a few complexities as he goes along until he can feel the hint of a song scratching at the back of his mind. His fingers fly and the music twists itself into words in his throat until he starts humming along trying to decipher them. When he opens his mouth, the words come pouring out.

Wish I could, I could've said goodbye I would've said what I wanted to Maybe even cried for you

He didn’t know. He couldn’t have known that when Andrew left he would never get to say goodbye. Even when he thought he had seconds left, he always knew he would spend them saying goodbye and now that he can’t-

If I knew, it would be the last time I would've broke my heart in two Tryin' to save a part of you

           He should have kept his mouth shut. Should have never said a damn thing about it. But he was so tired. Tired of lying. Tired of pretending that he was nothing to Andrew. Tired of people thinking that they were nothing.

Don't want to feel another touch Don't wanna start another fire Don't wanna know another kiss No other name falling off my lips

           He didn’t want anyone else. Didn’t want to pretend that he could want anyone else. It was just Andrew. It would always be Andrew. No one else. Never anyone else.

To another stranger Or let another day begin Won't even let the sunlight in No, I'll never love again

           And he ruined it all. Ruined it because he didn’t want to hide anymore. He wanted the world to know that he was Andrew’s, even if Andrew would never be his. He wanted to scream it to the world, to take Andrew’s hand in his own and face all the shit the world threw at them. Because with Andrew at his side he felt like he could take on anything. But he pushed too hard.

I won't I won't I swear I can't I wish I could but I just won't

           He did the one thing he promised he never would do, he asked for too much. Too much and too fast for what Andrew was capable of giving him. Of what Andrew wanted to give to him. But he grew greedy.  Greedy enough to want for something Andrew had told him from the beginning that he could never have. And yet he pushed, ruining it for good.

I'll never love again

           His fingers slip and bang against the keys, the sharp noise jarring and dissonant to the soft melody still lingering in the air. He moves to start again, but his vision blurs with tears and a choked sob fills his throat. Hands curl into fists and bang onto the keys, filling the room with the same discord and disarray that echoes in his chest.

           “Oh Neil,” Matt whispers from his spot in the doorway, but Neil can’t bring himself to look at him (too ashamed of the tears being spilled from his own doing). He feels a heavy hand fall softly on his shoulder, gently guiding him into a solid stomach. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

           Neil doesn’t say a word even after hours pass and Matt drives him back home. He doesn’t go back to the studio again.

           Two days later Neil’s phone pings with a text message. It’s the middle of the night and his phone sits on the coffee table just out of his reach, the bright light from the screen cutting a path of blue light in the otherwise darkened room. For a second he debates letting it sit there unanswered, almost positive it’s Nicky trying to cheer him up or ask when he’ll come home (as if he still had a home there without Andrew). But that same stupid part of his brain holds out hope that maybe even now it will be Andrew.

           It takes a few tries, but he manages to slide the phone off the table and into his hands, eyes squinting as the bright light shifts to blare in his face rather than the ceiling. He almost drops it when the name registers in his mind. Andrew Minyard. He stops, looks again, looks away, and then check again. The same still stares back at him. With shaky fingers, he swipes the screen open and clicks on the message.

           There are no words, no explanations for where he has gone or why he left without a fucking word, just a simple link sitting in a small blue bubble with a still of a black title card. He clicks on the video only for it to open in his YouTube app. It was uploaded on an anonymous account and the thumbnail was a black background with the words For Him written in italic script. Neil hits play and waits for it to finish buffering.

           It’s a video of himself, sitting in that empty piano room at Fox Records as he belts out the painful melody that took him over. The video is shot from his back so you couldn’t see the tears falling down his cheeks but the waver in his voice gave him away all the same, each intake a break stuttering slightly and his body trembling as it sways back and for. It captures most of the song ending with that same jarring key. Just before the video cuts out there is a soft “Oh Neil” that tells him just who is responsible for this latest video. His eyes dart down to the view count to see that it’s reached millions.

           The phone buzzes again, this time with a single word. Studio.

           Neil is off the couch and out the door in seconds, not bothering with even shoes or a coat despite the chilly autumn evening air. He runs faster and harder than he’s had to in a long time but its all worth it when he bursts through those doors to see Andrew standing there in the lounge. Dark circles rest under his eyes and tense shoulders betray his calm demeanor even as he turns to meet Neil’s gaze.

           “You’re here,” Neil breathes, feeling like it’s the first full breath he’s had in months.

           Andrew nods.

           “You left.” Neil continues, stepping further into the room until they are less than a foot apart.

           He nods again.

           Neil wants to reach out and touch him, but he doesn’t — too afraid that if he does then Andrew will disappear again. “And you’re back? For good?”

           This time there is a hesitation before he nods tightly, chin jerking like the question left him stilted and unhinged.

“Yes or no?” A quiet yes falls from those lips in a raspy voice from disuse and Neil feels something click into place. He falls into Andrew’s space, slotting their foreheads together and tangling his fingers in those soft blonde locks. Something else clicks into place.

           “You left.” It comes out choked and small, even as he pulls away to meet Andrew’s eyes. “You left.”

           “Yes.” He says it simply because it was. He left Neil behind.

           “You left. Without a word or a text for two months.” This time Andrew didn’t bother replying. “What the fuck Andrew? What the actual fuck.”

           Neil pulls away more firmly, anger boiling in his chest as the shock wears from his system. “What the actual fuck.”

           Andrew crosses his arms. “What do you want me to say? I left.”

           “Exactly!” It comes out near hysterical. “You left. Just like that. You asked me to stay and then you left me.”

           Andrew’s jaw ticks but he says nothing.

           “What was I supposed to do Andrew?” Neil grasps for understanding. “We had one argument and then you just disappeared for two months without a single fucking word. What was I supposed to do?! Did you even plan to come back.”

           “I don’t know.”

           “You don’t know?” Neil seethes, “Fuck that you do know. Were you going to come back?”

           Andrew meets his gaze head-on. “I don’t know.”

           Neil deflates, knowing the real answer. “You weren’t.” Andrew says nothing. “God, I don’t even get a reason why?”

           “Why what Neil,” Andrew sighs.

           “Why we have one argument about me wanting to go public about us and you drop off the fucking earth!” Neil explodes walking away. “Why that, Drew. Why fucking that.”

           Andrew is silent for a beat, then two. “Because I can’t give you that.”

           “Then why didn’t you just say-”

           “I did, but you pushed. You pushed and I could see that you would keep pushing even if it took years until I was ready.”

           “That’s right. I would have. I would have waited until the end of fucking time for that, so why push me away?” Neil’s voice is raw against his throat and he can feel tears sting the corners of his eyes but he pushes on. “Why.”

           “Because you deserve better.”

           Neil blinks. “Excuse me?”

           But Andrew is done talking. “You heard me.”

           “No, I don’t think I did.” Neil whips around, “Because it sounded like you just said that I deserve better. Whatever the fuck that means.”

           Andrew remains silent. Neil explodes.

           “Fuck what I deserve. Fuck what everyone including you thinks I deserve. I decide that.”

           “Shut up.”

           “No, I won’t. And you know what? I fucking deserve to be happy. I deserve to have someone that makes me feel like I’m an actual person. I deserve someone that makes me feel as alive as music does. That’s what I deserve, Andrew.”

           His jaw locks, “Then what are you waiting for?”

           “I’m waiting for him to say that he deserves that too. Because I can’t fight that battle for him as much as I fucking want to.” He crosses the space between them. “I fucking love you, Drew. More than I’ve ever thought I could love another person and I just want you to love you too. No more of this ‘deserve’ bullshit. Decide for yourself.”

           They are inches apart now, breath intermingling and burning amber meeting icy blue.

           “Yes or no, Andrew?” The question is soft off his lips.

           A moment. Then two. Then three. Finally, “Yes.”

           Andrew’s lips slot against Neil’s and it feels like coming home. It feels like first burning him alive and water drowning his every breath until all he can taste and think of is Andrew’s lips and the thundering beat of his chest matching the one in Andrews. They stay like that for eternity or maybe a few seconds before they must pull away for air, neither straying far from the other.

           “Don’t leave again,” Neil whispers into the space between them. “Don’t leave me again.”

           Andrew doesn’t answer, simply presses their lips together until his head becomes dizzy from the lack of oxygen. Hours later they would curl up on the lounge’s couch, Andrew pressed to the back cushions with Neil half pressed to his side and half on his chest. The lights are dimmed and the steady beat of Andrew’s heart lulls him to sleep no matter how long he tries to hold onto consciousness. Just before he slips away, Andrew’s arms tighten around Neil’s torso and he feels the rumbles of his chest as he speaks.

           Then Neil stumbles over a note Andrew knows he’s long since mastered and that same something filled his stomach. Danger. It was like an alarm blaring in his mind, screeching and high pitched in clear warning of something to come. But Andrew didn’t know what. Fuck Neil. Fuck him for ever worming his way under his skin and making him feel when he doesn’t want to. Fuck him. He ignores that whisper in his head telling him he doesn’t mean that because he does. He hates Neil — hates him with the core of his very being and is done with him. (Liar.)

           When the song ends, Andrew gears up for their final number. Of course, he would have to play that stupid song Neil made from their two journals — the one they played together in the dead of night with no one else around to see Andrew pick up his drumsticks for the singer. No one to see the way Andrew stared at Neil’s lips as they crooned into the microphone of an empty studio room like he was giving Andrew his own personal concert. Fuck him.

           He waits for Neil to give him the signal to begin but is stopped with a small shake of Neil’s head. Instead, Neil turns back to the crowd and starts talking to them. The alarm gets louder. Andrew is almost completely deafened by the time Neil turns to him last.

           “Thank you.” Those twin blue eyes meet his hazel and the world goes silent. Words swim in that gaze, but they are all too fast for Andrew to grasp and understand, leaving him feeling like he missed something important. Some warning. “You were amazing.”

           Those eyes turn away and Andrew is left reeling in their wake. He doesn’t remember walking off the stage nor how he was nearly to the back exit before Neil’s voice reaches his ears and he’s sprinting back for the stage, shoving Nicky and Kevin out of the way until he’s at the front.

           Neil had only ever sung like this twice in his life. The first was that day back in Millport, the one that led Kevin and him to Neil in the first place. The second was the concert Riko crashed and Neil spilled himself open on the microphone to cover Kevin’s panic. This. This was something else entirely.

           Blue met hazel and Andrew could see the unshed tears swim in those glacial pools. Wrong. Everything was wrong.

           The song ends on a dying breath and Andrew feels like he’s drowning. He can feel the roar of the crowd and the Foxes was over him, sense their growing frenzy as they scream for Neil to give them more of himself — for Neil to bleed for them again — but he can’t see a damn thing other than Neil heaving at the microphone as he tries to bandage himself back together. When he turns to the foxes once more tears are dangerously close to spilling over the edge even as his own smile curves his lips. Andrew watches him and tries to piece together the torrent of emotions that flood him. But after years of numbing himself to everything but hatred and indifference, has left him unable to do anything but carve a blank mask to hide the turmoil beneath the surface.

He takes a step closer to Neil — to do what he doesn’t know, but the need to feel the heat of his skin against his own forces his body forward before his mind can stop it.