Shadows of Guilt: The Final Gift (part 3)
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“Surrogacy?” Bloodlamb repeated the news with a gaping mouth, sharing Leafcurl’s earlier surprise. “What did you say?”
“That I would talk to you first,” Leafcurl answered, settling in their shared nest next to her. She watched as the wind buffeted the trees outside. It was difficult to take much notice of anything though, not with the hundreds of thoughts racing through her mind at once. Her claws were working in and out of the lichen-leaf nest under her.
It was one of two nests they had. They lived in a log wide enough to fit the two of them comfortably with space to spare, wedged in what must have once been a rockslide. One nest they had at the mouth of their den, meant for this purpose: to enjoy the scenery cozily. The other they had beyond the other end of the log, in an open space they had dug out of the landslide. That was where they slept.
They simply needed to pull the overhanging branches from nearby trees to cover the entrance. It cast the entire inside of the den in near-pure blackness. It had unsettled and frightened Leafcurl at first, but it became easier to deal with, and now it didn’t bother her at all.
Bloodlamb, on the other hand, was very welcome to the darkness. She had, after all, grown up in the Gaping Maw caves, a territory that was far from where they lived now. Because of me, Leafcurl thought, feeling a fresh wave of gratefulness for her love. Bloodlamb knew how important Leafcurl’s family and home was to her, and how uncomfortable new things could make her, and was more than willing to stay with her close to Leafcurl’s family, even if it meant moving away from her own.
Leafcurl purred, thinking of all the times Bloodlamb had soothed her in the darkness.
You don’t need to see, she had said. Just feel me next to you.
“You gonna say yes?” Bloodlamb asked, cutting into her thoughts and giving her a look.
“What? Uh, why?”
“Because you’re purring.”
“Oh.” Right. Their talk. The important talk. “What do you think?”
Bloodlamb was fiddling with a minnow bone between her teeth. “We’re both surrogacy kin, ain’t we? I have grandmothers, you, fathers.”
Leafcurl nodded. “Right.”
“My aunts 'n uncles never knew their father,” Bloodlamb went on. “Don’t know what he looks like.”
Leafcurl fidgeting with the leaves. “Sparktail and my papa were close friends before he had us with dad. We still see her lots.”
“Hon.” Bloodlamb placed a paw on Leafcurl’s shoulder. Her face was solemn, taking Leafcurl by surprise. “They don’t know what he looks like,” she said again, and this time, the words sunk in. What if the same happens with these kits? Would they never know Leafcurl, never know her pelt, never able to pick her from a crowd? Would the only thing they would ever know her as be the cat that carried them for a couple moons? Sure, she and her littermates saw Sparktail often and referred to her as their aunty, but she had been friends with their fathers long before they considered having kits. Leafcurl, Larksnow, and Tawnyshriek were an entirely different story.
Bloodlamb went on. “Right now, they’re just a thought. But love, two moons of carrying? A moon of nursing at least? Would you be ready to part after that? Give them up?”
“They’re not meant to be my kits,” Leafcurl told her, and partly told herself.
“That don’t make it any less painful when they’re taken away,” Bloodlamb replied lightly.
Leafcurl sucked in a breath. Was she right? She was silent for a long time, searching everywhere in her scattered mind until finally her racing thoughts were closer to organized and neatly packaged ideas. “Your aunts and uncles made your mothers happy, right?”
Bloodlamb grinned. “I like to think so.”
“I know my siblings and I made our fathers happy, and that they loved us and cared for us so much and so well.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I…” Leafcurl searched for a way to put it into words. “I want to allow someone else that happiness. I want to be the…the…”
“Miracle-maker,” Bloodlamb finished, eyes soft.
“But I need you to be okay with it, the kits and the–the making the kits, and the whole deal.”
Bloodlamb thought for a moment, sucking in the side of her cheek. Was she going to say no? Leafcurl’s heart sped up. “Your heart is so pure. I just worry that you’re doing this for them even if it hurts ya. We haven’t even talked about birthing kits. Everyone knows it hurts worse than a Star’s bite, and the ‘process,’ ya sure you’re comfortable with that?”
Leafcurl considered that, thinking. “Well I wouldn’t enjoy it, but it’s not like I’m meant to. But I can handle it, both aspects. And…I don’t think I have to worry about not seeing them, not too much. Our families are close. We’re not, but–surely we’ll still see them lots. And I can ask to be a part of their lives, even if it’s small. Or maybe I can be a mentor, or volunteer at that place Fungichomp has.”
Bloodlamb licked the space between Leafcurl’s ears. A small gesture, but the strength behind it was more than enough to assure Leafcurl of her affection. “You sound sure. If you really want to, I’ll support ya. But give it some time, yeah? Sleep on it a few nights.”
Yeah, that was reasonable. Leafcurl smiled as her eyes met her mate’s. Bloodlamb could be so vicious and loud, swinging claws at anyone who so much as sneezed on her unintentionally, but with Leafcurl she was gentle, caring, loving. She didn’t have this talk for the sake of herself, but of concern for Leafcurl. And for that, Leafcurl thought that she had somehow fallen deeper in love, and she buried her chin deep in Bloodlamb’s side. “Can we sleep now?”
Bloodlamb’s turn to purr came. She curled around Leafcurl, resting her chin on the brown cat’s spine. This wasn’t their sleeping nest, but it would do just fine.
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--Blood has a fluctuating accent!
--We get a peak at the wlw couple!
--Sparktail is mentioned so psst @elementaldeityoffood
--I am writing this when I am about to fall asleep so fingers crossed it came out halfway intelligible.
