something inside me is freezing to death and idk how to stop it
im scared. the cold. idk what it is. its not sadness. ik sadness. sadness cries, bleeds. this thing doesnt. it sits in silent. it feels fatal. its spreading. slowly. patiently. through places no doctor can reach. its in my ribs now. its in my throat. its climbing the walls of my lungs. i pull air into my lungs. again. again. again. every breath arrives colder than the last. like im inhaling the inside of a grave. nobody else can see it. something in my inside is dying. not dead. dying. i can feel it.
a tiny living thing is curling in on itself, trying desperately to preserve the last bit of heat. shivering. i cant reach it. i cant warm it. i dont even know what it is. i can only see the dark around it. my chest feels enormous. like an abandoned cathedral.
the cold. its silent. its monstrous. it kills quietly. like snowfall. like deep oceans. like space.
it has its own way, doesn't attack. too cliche it convinces. it whispers: rest. lie down. the winter is too big.
and for one horrifying moment, i believe it. i almost let go. cz warmth feels so impossibly far away. like another country. another lifetime. another planet.
and then when im freezing to death, warmth will stop being comforting. it'll become god. and im terrified of how much of myself id sacrifice for one degree warmer.
