Meredith had gotten herself into a few tricky fixes over the years, but this one took the cake. There she was, standing on her old front porch, both hands wrapped around the handle of her tiny suitcase, staring at the chipped wood of her front door, hoping that if she stared long enough, maybe, just maybe, it would open by itself. She hadnât been home in months - her mom had always come to her in Chicago- and, most unfortunately, though Meredith had asked, sheâd never exactly been given a key since her mom changed the locks on her dad. She set her suitcase down with a soft thump and raised her hand, giving the door a sharp rap with her knuckles.
âMom?â She called, jumping up and down slightly with nerves. There was no sound, just the creaking of the porch as Meredith shifted her weight. She knocked again. âMom!â
Meredith spun around at the familiar voice. Her brother stood on the sidewalk, a confused expression on his face, hands shoved deep in his pockets. âDavid!â she cried, rushing down the porch steps and into his waiting arms. As though on autopilot, he spun her around just like heâd done when she was little and needed cheering up. âIâm so happy to see you!â Meredith said, smiling broadly. Despite everything that had happened, family still meant everything to her, and seeing her brother was exactly what sheâd needed to pull her out of the funk sheâd been stuck in ever since bolted from the hospital. Like a coward,Meredith reminded herself. Youâre just a coward. David set her down and took a step back, looking her up and down.
âJesus Mere, you look like hell,â he told her. She glanced down and shuffled her feet self consciously. Sheâd thrown on the first clothes she could find after sheâd decided to leave just a day ago, and since then, she hadnât really stopped moving. Sheâd run â literally run across highways and through buildings- back to her house from the hospital, where, in a blur, sheâd thrown a pile of clothes from each drawer into a suitcase. From there, it was just a matter of hiking back to the bus station and finding the next bus out of Chicago. But as she stared at the board with all of its destinations and options, only one city had caught her eye. And thatâs how she had ended up here, in Ann Arbor, her hometown, which was easy enough. The hard part, though, was coming here, back to her old house where she knew sheâd have to face her mother. Sheâd walked around town for hours, greeting old neighbors who still remembered her, meeting up with old friends that she hadnât seen in far too long. Meredith hadnât been back to Ann Arbor in months, and god, she missed it. Ann Arbor was her hometown, and part of her, whether she liked it or not, would always stay here. It was where she felt happiest. It was the place that she knew like the back of her hand, the place that she knew sheâd always be welcome. It was where her family was, where her college was, where her friends were.
It was where her mom was.
âDavid, whereâs mom?â Meredith asked, choosing to ignore his comment. He shrugged. âOut back gardening, maybe?â he said. âMeredith, why are you home? I thought you were supposed to be in Chicago. In a new musical,â he pointed out, âwhere youâreâŚ.sort of starring. Or are you having trouble remembering?â He narrowed his eyes and raised his eyebrows, cocking his head slightly. Dylan, Meredith realized. They were friends. He mustâve called her brother to head him off, to convince him to convince her mother to stay in Chicago while she believed her daughter was in the hospital. Just another fly caught in her web of lies, Meredith realized. One more person whoâd been affected by the mess sheâd created.
âDoes she know?â Meredith asked, feeling her lips tremble a bit. David shook his head sharply, still giving her the look. âNo, she doesnât,â he said, pursing his lips. âAnd youâre damn lucky that it was me who picked up the phone when Dylan called, because it gave me the chance to head off when the doctors finally called.
Meredith looked at him, the familiar sense of shame welling up in her throat. âI made a mistake,â she said quietly. âI messed up and I need to talk to mommy about it.â And with that, she turned on her heel and walked down the driveway, rounding the corner of the house to find her mom on her knees in front of a small garden, patting dirt around a pansy sheâd just planted. Meredith smiled at her motherâs wide sunhat, the one sheâd had for as long as she could remember. It reminded her of summer evenings spent playing baseball with her brother and the neighbor hood kids -and her dad when he was calm enough to catch a ball - with her mom always right here at her garden, always ready to hop in if they needed a third basemen.
âHey mommy,â she called, planting a hand on her hip as the other one came up to shade her eyes from the sun. Her momâs head popped up and turned to the source of the voice, disbelief turning to happiness as she saw her daughter.
âMeredith!â she said, surprised âOh my goodness. Hi, baby. Hi. How are you?â She rose up on the balls of her feet and tried to rise up, huffing slightly with the effort.
Meredith stayed quiet and walked closer, crouched down next to her mom, and grabbed a spade, digging a hole for a flower, just like her mom had taught her. âI am,â she admitted finally. Mrs. Stepien stayed quiet, knowing that Meredith had more to say. âI messed up,â she repeated. âYou know Dylan?â Her mom smiled and nodded, not looking away from the flower she was planting in the hole Meredith had dug. Sheâd always been a big fan of Dylan. Meredith noted her momâs expression, and it made what she said even harder to choke out.
âHeâs not my boyfriend anymore.â
Meredithâs mom paused and looked at Meredith for the first time since theyâd started the conversation, giving her a quizzical look.
âI donât think he was ever really my boyfriend, mom,â Meredith said, voice shaking. And then the truth was spilling out faster than Meredith could stop it. âI only dated him to make someone jealous.â
Her momâs expression hardened slightly. She turned back to the flower and patted it down, rather harder than was necessary.
Meredith was shocked. âHow did you know that?!â she asked, feeling self conscious again. Her mom stopped again and sat back on her heels, looking at Meredith over the top of her glasses.
âI know that you like to think that youâre mysterious, darling, but youâre not,â Mrs. Stepien said bluntly, though not unkindly. She smiled slightly and took a deep breath. âWhen I saw the show in Chicago, right before the kiss between you and Dylan, you wouldnât stop looking backstage. And I could see him, right there, in the wings, giving you the same look that Dylan was trying to give you.  And his face when you and Dylan kissedâŚwell, it said a lot more than âIâm happy for you.â I figured that something must have happened to bring that expression to his face. Brian never was good at hiding how he felt. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and so do you, sweetie.â
Meredith considered this for a second and marveled at her momâs ability to read not only her expression but also anybodyâs expression like a childrenâs book.
âAre you mad at me?â She asked, voice shaking. This was what sheâd been fearing above anything else. Her momâs approval meant everything to her, and if she lost it, she wasnât sure what sheâd do. Her mom frowned and thought about the question for a bit, pursing her lips.
âIâm not angry,â she said finally, âI donât think that would be appropriate. But I am disappointed. Youâre a good girl, Meredith. Youâre not a bad person. Why would you do something like that?â
Meredithâs heart swelled with shame. âI donât know,â she confessed, letting the bright colors of the flowers blend together as her eyes filled with tears. âI thought it wouldnât hurt anybody,â she admitted. âI really believed that I was doing the right thing. But I donât anymore, not after seeing the mess that itâs created.â
âI presume you told Dylan about this, then.â
Meredith nodded, remembering the second half of her story. âHe did it too,â she said. Meredithâs mom gave her a doubtful look. âDylan Saunders?â her mom asked, âDylan Saunders dated you to make someone jealous?â
Meredith nodded again. âHeâs in love with Jaime,â she informed Mrs. Stepien. âHeâd been doing the same thing to me that I did to him all along. We were playing each other. Thatâs not all, though,â Meredith continued. âBy the time I realized that what I was doing was wrong, it was too late, mom. I tried. I tried so hard, but I was scared to tell him the truth and then on the closing night of Starship he told me he loved me and I panicked and I ran. And that night, we went to a bar, andâŚ.something bad happened.â Meredith paused for a moment, trying to catch her breath, trying to figure out the right way to say that her not-so-friendly boyfriend had beaten her to unconsciousness in a side alley of a bar. Her mom looked up sharply. âWhat happened, Meredith? Are you pregnant? Oh my god. Did Dylan get you pregnant? Is that was this is?â
âMom! God! No!â Meredith let out a groan and put down the spade she was holding, letting her face drop into her hands. She heard her mother sigh as she relaxed, picking up another flower.Â
âThen what happened? Did he get too drunk? Did one of you pass out or something?â
âNo, no, it was nothing like that,â Meredith said.
âIâm not good at guessing games, Meredith. You canât just keep me hanging on like this. If you want to tell me, tell me. Donât just sit there silently while I try to-â
âHe beat me up, mom, okay?â Meredith said harshly, lifting her head out of her dusty hands. âHe got drunk and he dragged me to an alley and he punched me and slammed my face into a fire escape and I ended up in the hospital and I know it sounds stupid but somewhere it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I should pretend to h-have amnesia or something because if I couldnât remember anything, it was almost like it never happened, you know? But Dylan saw right through that, of course, and then he had to be the one to drive me away from the hospital, and-â
âWhoa, whoa, whoa, stop. Backtrack.â Mrs. Stepien held up a hand, finally meeting Meredithâs eye. Meredith could see her eyes flashing, could see the anger that was raging in her. âDid you notify the police?â
âNo, god no,â Meredith said with a shake of her head. âI canât even prove that he did it, because Iâm supposed to not remember anything, and nobody else was in the alley. I wouldnât press charges even if I could. Do you know what would happen? He would get arrested-â Â
â-As he should,â Meredithâs mom interrupted fiercely.
â-And that would create a huge mess with the Team, because as horrible as the whole situation is, Dylan is a huge asset to StarKid and what would the fans think? I know he hurt me, but you have to understand, mom, he told me in the car that his dad was a drunk, you know? And his dad used to hit him and his mom, and thatâs just how he grew up-â
âMeredith, Meredith, stop,â her mom said firmly. She rose up on her knees and waddled over to grab Meredithâs chin in her hand, forcing Meredith to look right into her eyes. âYou are trying to make excuses for a man who beat you. Meredith, if your father knocked on the door one day and said what Dylan is trying to tell you, would you let him back in the house? No, you wouldnât. Youâre trying to make it seem like what he did was okay. I did that for most of my adult life and you canât do it. You canât keep making excuses for him like heâs doing for himself.â
âBut mom,â Meredith whined. She stopped for a second, took a deep breath, and tried again. âMom,â she said again. âI know that dad hurt you-â
âHe hurt all of us,â David said as he came around the corner of the house where heâd been lurking. Meredith narrowed her eyes. âWere you eavesdropping on us?â she asked suspiciously. David looked away, apparently fascinated with a patch of yellowed grass.
âI have no idea what youâre talking about,â he said innocently. Meredith sent a punch in his direction, which he dodged with ease.Â
âDad hurt all of us,â she continued. âBut thereâs a huge difference between Daddy and Dylan. Dad was a genuinely angry, awful person. He was a terrible person who had a few good moments in between. Dylan? Dylan is a good person with a few bad moments in between.â
âItâs true,â David said with a nod. âDylan is one of my closest friends, and Iâve never, in my entire life, seen him get violent with anyone. But, I mean, he has a drinking problem. Only a few of us know about it. He gets drunk, and he gets out of control. But mom, dad hit you because he could. With Dylan and Mere, it wasnât exactly a one way street. I just got off the phone with Dylan,â David said, holding up the phone in his hand. âIâm sorry Mere,â he said, noticing Meredithâs incredulous expression. âBut Iâm getting a thousand different versions of this story and I just needed to know what happened. So I called him. Made him sit down. And then I told him to talk.
âHe said that he had it all planned out. He picked Meredith because sheâs closest to Jaime, and he was hoping that during the course of their relationship, Meredith would talk about, well, his many good qualities with Jaime. He tried to be as sweet as possible, always kind, gentle, the perfect gentleman, in hopes that Jaime would hear about it and, you know, feel more romantically inclined toward him. He knew, of course, that Meredith was doing the same thing, that she didnât actually love him and therefore everything would be fine and it was all fair game. He was going to wait until a few weeks after Starship to tell Meredith what he was planning. He was planning to give her this sort ofâŚultimatum. He was going to ask her to âbreak up with himâ really suddenly and harshly, which would give him the chance to go crying right to Jaime. And if Meredith refused, he was going to tell Brian how she felt. Which,â he said, narrowing his eyes, âhe fully acknowledged was cruel and totally insane and not a little stupid. But what he didnât count on was Meredith beating him to the breakup. He had everything perfectly timed. He couldnât let Mere fuck-sorry, Mom,-it up. He told me that he tried to tell you he loved you, but it didnât work. And thatâs when, as he puts it, he started downing beers, even before you got to the bar. And then you guys went out after the show and he got drunker, and he, quote, âsaw Jaime flirting around with Clark,â and got pissed. He was drunk and angry and his plan wasnât working, says Dylan. And in his drunken stupor, he decided that it would be a dandy idea to try to intimidate Meredith into staying with him for just a little bit longer. Thatâs why he took her to the alley. He figured that if he scared her badly enough, sheâd justâŚcooperate. Also something that he acknowledged was ridiculous and completely wrong in every way. And it got out of control too fast. When Meredith ended up in the hospital, and everyone blamed him, he tried to lie his way out. Again. Thatâs why he offered to take you home, Mere,â David said, turning to Meredith. âHe was going to âapologize,â David threw in some air quotes, his sour look growing impossibly more sour. âYou know, as your âboyfriend.â But you pissed him off again, and he couldnât lie anymore. And so you got the truth, that youâve both been lying all along. Isnât that dandy? Oh, and he asked me to tell you that Clark is awake. Itâs pretty much a medical miracle, but he opened his eyes. Heâs going to have a hell of a time in therapy, but theyâre pretty sure heâll walk again. Heâs not okay, but heâs going to be okay.â
For the first in weeks, Meredith felt a tiny weight lift off of her shoulders.
âThank god,â she gasped, holding a hand to her chest. âThank god, oh my god.âÂ
Meredithâs mom looked perplexed.
âI donât understand,â she said, brow wrinkling. David shrugged.Â
âI donât think any of us really understand exactly how it spiraled down to this,â he pointed out.
They were all quiet for a few moments, planting flower after flower together as a family. It almost felt like she was ten again, when her mom was still her biggest fan. When she hadnât royally fucked up and disappointed the only person sheâd ever strived to truly impress. Her head pounded in the hot sun, thoughts and ideas bouncing around her skull until all she could hear was a low buzzing in her ears. One idea after another floated to the surface just to sink back down as Meredith rejected it. Four potted plants later, she couldnât take it anymore.
 âWhat do I do?â she asked finally. Her mom sighed, and all at once, Meredith noticed the lines around her eyes, gray hairs that hadnât been there the last time they were together. She noticed the slow way her mother moved, the grimace of pain around the corners of her mouth when she shifted positions. It was like watching her mother age before her eyes. But she still had the same light brown eyes, and they still made Meredith squirm as her mother turned to give her a hard look, eyes narrowed, lips pursed.
           âI think you know what to do,â she said simply. And with that, she turned back to her plants.
Meredith felt confused. Werenât moms supposed to be chock full of advice that would make everything better? âI donât get it. I left Chicago because I wrecked everything. I got into a relationship to manipulate someone else. I used Dylan. I hurt Brian. I almost wrecked the last performance of Starship. My friends think I donât know who they are, and they all think that Dylan is an abusive boyfriend. Clark is in the hospital, mom, because he was trying to come find Dylan and me. Donât you get it? I ran away because staying away is the only thing I can think to do that would make anything better. I just want things to go back to normal,â she said.  Â
Mrs. Stepien turned to lift another small plant from the box by Meredithâs knees, giving Meredith a hard look in the process. âMeredith Elyse Stepien, donât you dare try to tell me that giving up is the better option. I love you, but Team StarKid sure as hell deserves better than someone who would run away like youâre trying to do. You know what Pop-Pop always said. âWhen the going gets tough, the tough get going.â And if you really want to fix things, if you want to get your life back on track and fix things with this team, you will.
           âIâll tell you what you shouldnât do.â Her mom raised her eyebrows and paused before continuing. âYou shouldnât lie anymore. Youâve messed up. Iâm not going to sugarcoat it for you. You know what youâve done. You made a lot of bad choices and now you have to face the consequences like an adult. Iâm disappointed in you, but I donât think it can really compare to how disappointed you are in yourself. Lying never solves anything, Meredith, I thought I taught you that when you were a child. And now you know why. One lie becomes two lies becomes three lies and suddenly youâre drowning in them. You literally canât afford to lie any more. Youâve got to face them and admit that you made a mistake. You know what the problem is?â
Meredith had the hurt look of a puppy who had just been scolded on her face. She shook her head.
 âYouâre letting fear rule your life. You havenât told the truth yet because youâre afraid of the consequences. But youâve got to buck up and face the mess that youâve created head on. The only way youâll fix anything is if you make a few sacrifices. Itâs like ripping off a band-aid. The anticipation is the worst part. Eventually, you just have to grit your teeth and rip it off. You canât expect to just waltz back into Chicago and continue this amnesia act like nothing is wrong. Tell your friends the truth. They deserve that much, donât they? And yes, theyâll probably be angry and upset and they wonât understand why you did this, and you might not be able to tell them. But itâs time to be an adult. You donât want to live this way anymore? Donât. Youâll need to get your butt back to Chicago and youâll need to start telling the truth, and soon, if you want any chance at saving your relationship with the Team and with Brian. And you need to tell Brian how you feel. Itâs time to stop stringing him along and manipulating him and tricking him and hurting him. Donât ruin this for yourself or you will regret it for the rest of your life.â
Meredith stood, her motherâs words sending her heart racing. âYouâre right,â she said determinedly. âWhat am I doing here? I have to go back!â
âIâll give you a ride to the station,â David said as he stood, brushing grass and direct off of the back of his jeans. âBut first, you seriously need a shower or something.  A brush, a bar of soap, a HAZMAT suit. Anything.â      Â
âI donât have time!â she said, sending a punch in his direction, which he dodged with ease, and they both laughed. It felt strange in her throat. âYouâre going to pay for that!â he said, grabbing her wrist. He pulled her arms behind her back and held them with one hand, raising the other threateningly.
âYou know, itâs Tuesday,â he said, grip firm despite her struggles. Meredith stopped. âNo,â she said, voice low, shaking now with suppressed giggles.
âAnd you know what happens on Tuesday.â
âNo!â Meredith cried, twisting her shoulders as she tried to get away.
âTuesday isâŚTICKLE MONSTER DAY!â David shouted as he attacked Meredithâs overly ticklish ribcage with a practiced hand. She writhed under the attack, laughing hysterically as she felt to the ground. âStop! Stop!â she choked through her laughter. âI give up! I surrender!â
âDavid, stop torturing your sister,â their mom called as she watched the scene unfold with an amused expression, mouth still turned down at the corners slightly. David stood up and offered a hand to Meredith, who lay on the grass, gasping for air. She grabbed it and felt him haul her to her feet.
âI hate you,â she told him, smiling, really smiling, for the first time in what felt like forever. He grinned and laughed. âDo you want a ride to the bus station or not?â
Meredith nodded resolutely. âLetâs go,â she said, making as if to stride toward the car. David held a hand out and Meredith let out a soft âoofâ as she hit it. âWhat?â she asked as she turned to give him a confused expression. He kept his expression even.
âBefore you go attempt to save your broken life and relationships, thereâs something you really need to do,â he said. Meredith cocked her head. âWhat?â
David glanced at their mom, grinning maliciously.
âAt least brush your teeth. Thereâs only so much trauma the team can take.â
 Even her mother cracked a smile.