#skyiscalling

Sorry, lovely -- I read your ask a few days ago and have had to keep delaying a response because life. 

I think it’s a complete mixed bag of things tbh. I have a feeling Old Xian might chalk it down to one reason if they give an explanation, but in reality it’ll be a whole host of things:

He’s distracted by Guan Shan

He’s suffering childhood trauma/PTSD from his family

He’s no longer having to strive to be one of the best because the people he cares about don’t care whether he’s the best (and he certainly has no love for his family)

He actually has people around him who are worth more than school 

He’s skipped school because of illness and family things

He might be doing it a tiny bit on purpose? Because I imagine that even without studying/pressure/etc. he’d still do pretty damn well on the exams, but I also see him sitting the exam and completing zoning out from everything he’s gone through lately and just... handing in a blank paper

This means a hell of a lot to me. Thank you. 

I wish it didn’t, but I still feel like I’ve failed if I don’t get ‘x’ amount of notes or kudos on works I’ve spent days on in total. I turned off hit counts a while ago on AO3 because the ratio thing was getting to me. Why were so many people checking out the works and not leaving a kudos if they reached the end? Were they just forgetful? Lazy? Was I such an awful writer that the first line made them click the back button so quickly? I feel disappointed with myself when I don’t get comments on a work I enjoyed writing, or when a post didn’t get the number of notes I thought it would by the morning I woke up, especially when it’s a commission, because it’s Oh God, someone paid me to write this and it’s crap and I’ve let them down. 

I can’t explain the kind of energy and self-deprecation the process of writing is -- the process of posting writing online. Idk. The way I talk down to myself when I write gets pretty horrendous sometimes, often in-line with the way I beat myself up about other things, and I think that’s often the way with most artists/creators of whatever media. I guess I don’t really think about how wrong it is really until like... now.

“Charming as hell” is a pretty great compliment, so thank you. This message made my day so I kept checking back to it and re-reading before replying.

Thank you also for the well-wishing -- I’m working on the Crazy Rich Asians commission I made reference to a while back, and then I’ll probably start working on that fic. Possibly starting a Patreon to go with it...? Who knows. Travelling is so time-consuming and energy-consuming and I feel like there’s not much left of me at the end of the day. I’m happy to still have a little flame of want when it comes to writing, and working on my writing is a comfort, when/if I get to.

Thank you so much! I love that we’re all able to share music with one another here— it’s a huge part of my experience of a medium, and a huge influencer when I write.

I haven’t created my own “this is what He Tian listens to” playlist, but these are songs others and I have suggested for songs that REMIND us of He Tian: https://open.spotify.com/user/bettymaestrange/playlist/52cDayTtpjcLYxkdH2Nd9z?si=yRpwz36kRcW3I7oykkBNhg

I confess I need to actually watch the films but yeah I’m so up for it. Worried it might a bit too much like never gonna hurt you, baby tho…

Aw, thank you… Things have been less than good lately. I had to take out a loan and stuff bc there was no way I could pay $650 on rent a week and not have any income since I’m paid hourly. I took a day off yesterday for personal reasons and I really couldn’t afford to so. Yeah. It sucks. But I also had an interview for a Research Coordinator role with an educational publishing company, so I have my fingers crossed very hard for that!

Thank you so so much! I needed and wanted and loved this; the relationship between He Cheng and He Tian has changed (for me) so much in this recent chapter, especially because of nuances like this. So long as his sincerity is honest, then it says: I want you to grow up at your pace, and learn from your mistakes, and enjoy the road you take while you do. 

Like, He Cheng has taught him that there are consequences; when He Cheng paid for Guan Shan’s hospital bills, He Tian knew there would be repercussions. He Cheng has taught him balance and a kind of brutal understanding that if you want to do A then you must be prepared to do B. Yin and yang philosophy, in a sense? That nothing comes for free. It’s an interesting hardship that Guan Shan and He Tian both know very well, from two very different ends of the spectrum.