#skimbo

Mumbo jerks his head away from the window and looks at Grian. "No I'm not!"

"You definitely are," Scar says beside him.

"You've been doing it from eight thirty to nine fifteen every day for a week," Grian says, "and I STILL can't figure out what it is that's so fascinating about an autoshop. Mumbo you're a theoretical redstone engineer, if you want to oggle cars there's about a billion governments that would throw some at you to get your attention."

"Oh, it's not the cars," Scar says, cementing Mumbo's opinion that while he is a different kind of menace than Grian, he is still very much a menace.

"N-now see here-"

"Oooohhhh," Grian crows, "is it not?" He's smelled blood in the water and Mumbo clutches his coffee. "It's nothing like that!" He protests.

"Far side of the yard," Scar tells Grian, who sits up a little in his seat. "Working on the sedan. Big, black hair, blue eyes, black denim vest."

"Denim? And here I thought you had taste Mumoh my GOD."

"I know right?" Scar says with delight as Mumbo sinks a little further in his seat.

"Scar, with the understanding that you are right beside me and are the light of my life, partner in crime and eternal tormentor of my soul, that posterior belongs in a museum and so do those arms."

"We are 100% in agreement, pesky bird of my heart. So, Mumbo, what's his naaammee?"

Mumbo knows he could circumvent this conversation. He could take his coffee and run. He could ignore them both. He could go order even more coffee and delay the inevitable.

Instead, as ever cornered by his friends' overwhelming personalities, he caves.

"His name is Skizz," Mumbo says. "You remember I had that flat out of town last week? This is the shop they called."

"And your Knight in Shining Towtruck appeared!" Scar says with a broad grin. "He must be worth something, a hind end that nice wouldn't be enough to persuade our pickiest of engineers."

"He's- very nice," Mumbo admits, passing his coffee cup back and forth. "And smart. And a bit- brash."

"Did he ruffle your apron?" Scar asks.

"No! No he was a perfect gentleman."

"But you got the vibe," Grian probes. Mumbo tugs at his collar. "Maybe? A little? He was just so- so kind and enthusiastic and I couldn't tell if he was flirting or if that's just how he is."

Across the way, Mumbo's Knight in Shining Towtruck closes the top of the sedan and wipes his hands on a rag. Grian can get a better look at him now and the picture gets even better. Scar had been right, he has very blue eyes, and weirdly lots of scars. He says something to someone Grian can't see and gets in the sedan's front seat, firing up the engine.

The megawatt smile he gives is clearly visible even from the cafe, and Grian can almost hear his shout of triumph.

"And what are you doing about it besides coming to the cafe across the street for coffee every day?" Scar needles Mumbo.

"I'm- strategizing!"

"You do any more strategizing you'll end up reoganizing your sock drawer or blowing up another lab," Grian says, eyes not moving from the autoshop. "Besides, we have a next step for you. Look."

"Grian what- ...is that Impulse?"

"Oh no Impulse is hugging Mumbo's man!" Scar says in disappointment.

"Scar," Grian says, "Didn't Impulse mention he was happy with this assignment because it meant he got to spend more time with his best friend in the world?"

"Oh yeah he was able to get housing near him and his shop so he could walk there! I don't remember the name, darn it. Rizz? Lizz?"

Grian grins at Mumbo, who has gone pale as death.

"You know," he says to his colleague, "I think we should meet Impulse's bestie. Don't you, Mumbo?"

"It only seems polite," Mumbo squeaks, and drains the rest of his coffee in one long scorching gulp.

Oh dear.

Oh no.

Mumbo watches in exasperation as the massive catman rolls over and stretches neck to tail before yawning and flopping back down on top of the Surplus Mega Corp shipping container. "Mornin', Mumbo."

"It is afternoon!"

"Oh is it? Hard to tell. You put this thing in the BEST spot, you know that?"

"It's meant to be a setpiece, not your napping spot!" Mumbo says. "What if you claw the copper?"

"Mumbo, buddy, I'd never," Skizz says, one eye open lazily. "Come on up, it's nice."

"Skizz I cannot just drop everything and sleep the afternoon away!"

"Sure you can, it's easy. I'll show you."

"You- you-!" Mumbo huffs and stomps over to the stacked containers, climbing them while muttering. When he gets to the top he is wrapped in one big arm and cuddled in close.

"See?" Skizz murmurs. "Perfect napping temperature. Another hour an' the sun'll drop over the ridge and this?" he pats the container. "This will still be warm. You're a genius."

Mumbo grumbles and pushes his face into Skizz's chest. "I should be working."

"Hey, so should I," Skizz points out. "Pyramids with death mazes inside 'em don't build themselves."

"Yet you are here, slinkying yourself around me, sleeping on the job!" The words are steadily losing their heat as Skizz's tail comes around to drape over Mumbo's hip, a strip of warmth that is matched only by how cozy it is to be held close to Skizz. He smells like dust and sunshine and the copper of the crate.

"I'll work most of the night, you know that," Skizz murmurs. "Better that way- no one's up to play."

Mumbo can't quite stifle the laugh. "And you do so love to play."

"I do!" Skizz snuffles his hair affectionately, and Mumbo chuckles a little helplessly.

"Fifteen minutes," he murmurs. "Okay? Wake me up in fifteen minutes."

"Yes sir," Skizz says, and when Mumbo lifts his head to kiss him breifly, he begins to purr.

I mean I certainly don't plan on never writing it again it's just TOO much fun! It's like a bonded pair of cats only one's an affectionate loudmouth and the other is Too Anxious To Live.

Zimbabwe is a nation riddled with many problems, economic and political decay, an embarrassing cricket team, far too many bad weaves and wigs being purchased by our women for a nation this small etc etc. But in the last week perhaps one of our biggest problems was brought into the front view for all to see - our supposed entertainment professionals don't know how to behave like, well, professionals.. After their displays it is no wonder that a Jamaican Dancehall artist was once given a slot on Zambezi Magic’s Zim Top Ten countdown show. To quote the great Mbuya Nehanda “hatina maserious” when it comes to the issues of brand representation and professionalism.

The examples to prove my point could fill Acie Lumumba's seized hard drive several times over but just last week two massive examples came to forefront. Firstly we had lady Squanda and her absurd situation with Skimbo. We discussed the issue in detail on this week's podcast but for those that missed it here is an abridged recollection.

Lady Squanda stayed at a lodge, stuff went missing. She denies she took anything

Lodge reported the issue and DJ Fydale - the man who booked her paid for the lost items

Skimbo, who is a comedian with a YouTube news round-up of Zimdancehall happenings spoke on the issue

Squanda didn't appreciate the jokes and went to confront Skimbo about the matter.

She also took the liberty of recording herself travelling to see Skimbo threatening to beat him up before she also recorded herself beating him up and them forcing the comedian to lick her feet

Now I for one am not one to judge. I've been known to be partial to a toe suck or two as long as it is accompanied with a bath in surgical alcohol.

There are however, several issues to address here. Firstly I don't belittle anyone's hustle, Skimbo’s particular brand of “comedy” is not for my tastes but at least the young man is doing something and seems to have generated some form of a following. What is unclear is where Skimbo got the part about stolen underwear as the reported stories regarding the incident speak if missing towels, bed sheets and mugs. I'm assuming that's how he presents his “comedy”?

In response to what could have been a misrepresentation of the facts Lady Squanda then gathered her troop of Dancehall goons or Jews as they call themselves, (I kid you not, they actually call themselves that, no seriously they do) and then made her way to Skimbo’s residence in Zengeza where she confronted him. In what can only be seen as the biggest effort and most successful to self incriminate, Lady Squanda was kind enough to record herself travelling to the his home with goons in hand openly declaring what they were planning on doing. She also recorded herself assaulting the comedian and repeatedly mentioned her name to help remove any doubt of who could be doing this. As far as stupidity goes this has to be one of the most astounding and frankly impressive displays ever.

Now, Zimbabwe may not be the most politically correct nation that is sensitive to issues regarding assault, accountability and human rights but thanks to social media these videos spread far and wide and caused a serious outrage. So serious that Lady Squanda has been dropped from several events including a UK show and Skimbo, for all his mediocre comedy is reaping the full benefits from this ordeal. Since the incident Skimbo was booked to replace Squanda for the UK performance and has been enjoying a massive uptick in notoriety coupled with a media tour.

To add insult to tongue based pedicures Lady Squanda and her manager have officially released “apologies” that do everything but actually apologise. One is a poor attempt at English while the other doesn't have take responsibility and also tries to peddle a new song. I kid you not they really tried to sneak a download link into an official press release. I would like to reiterate that these press releases have not been doctored. I am not trying to be funny because at this juncture the jokes are just writing themselves.

The cherry on top of all this is that Lady Squanda has now skipped the country and is hiding in Botswana while police are investigating the assault claim filed by Skimbo. This is a statement released by Sparks.

“She is waiting for some deals and some of her personal stuff. She will be back in October”

Once again I am not making this stuff up

As far as a press and public relations nightmares go this story wouldn't even be taught in school because nobody would believe it could happen. But somehow these people are viewed as professionals. Well I use the term loosely but they are being paid by several promoters to perform so technically I guess they are. Nothing about this incident is redeeming yet we hear stories like this almost every week, the only shocking thing about this story was that it involved a woman as the perpetrator and that she was dumb enough to record and release the video.

In another episode of Zim Artists Lack Lateral Thought Season 2.

We have a rapper who decided to take to Twitter to body shame and insult a woman after very private and sexual  videos of her body were released on social media. I won't share the details to spare the victim further persecution but this is what I know thus far -this young lady is quite popular on the tweets and has been described as a cyber bully by some and as a result she has her fair share of enemies. When her video was released there were many residents of Zimbabwean Twitter that celebrated her demise. One of those individuals was the aforementioned “rapper”. I discussed the issue and shared my disgust at those who would celebrate such a gross violation of a woman on this week's podcast.. But what truly appalled me was the body shaming that accompanied it. Once again I have to ask what part of the game is this? Why are you, as a celebrity choosing to involve yourself in this matter ? Do you personally respond to everyone who has teased you online? What message are you sending to your fans? Not once did you discuss the actual crime of revenge porn being the trigger in this instance? How do you feel brands looking to work with you will view your comments?