#sithmessiah

i met hades whilst in the dragon age fandom where we had gotten relatively well off. we played two different muses. i played solas, he played cassandra. we even entertained the idea of meeting up at a local convention, though it didn’t pan out as i left earlier than expected. point being, we were, as far as i was concerned, friends.

that was september of 2015. a month later, i attempted my first try at suicide, failing and being hospitalised and given the diagnosis of severe bipolar. my mental state was not the greatest at this time and thankfully the force awakens came out two months later. it was, at the time, the only real thing keeping me going as star wars has been in my life for a while. during this time, i dropped contact with a lot of people. kyle being one of them. it was very very hard for me to keep talking for long periods of time as i was incredibly depressed. after seeing the movie at midnight, i created my first kylo ren blog with the url ‘’ tornapcrt. ‘’ 

quickly after creating the blog, which i promoted on my solas blog ( @ofwalks ) which was also very popular, my follower count and popularity began to skyrocket on kylo. despite this, i tried to be inclusive of duplicates. kylo meant a lot to me. i’m not sure how to properly describe it, but his character connected him towards myself in many ways. it got to a point where i started to headcanon kylo with severe bipolar disorder -- something i myself was still struggling with both accepting the diagnosis and trying to overcome my increasingly suicidal thoughts. point is, i tried to include duplicates of kylo because i understood how it was to connect to a muse and didn’t mind seeing differences in portrayals.( i also, admittedly, has duplicate anxiety that, because i enjoyed kylo so much, believed this would be the best way to get rid of it. ) actually, it made me very happy to see different ways he was written. i went so far even to create a ‘’ kybro collective ‘’ post listing the kylo ren blogs that came to my attention. ( that can be found HERE )

now, during my first few weeks i reached past 1k. if i remember correctly, i passed 2k shortly thereafter. this was when the first meeting between me and kyle, who had a kylo ren blog under the url ‘’ sithmessiah ‘’ at the time. he contacted me, first, and proceeded to accuse me of copying. here are some screenshots of the first interactions between him and i on these blogs. ( and by ‘’ first ‘’ i honestly mean first. we hadn’t even followed each other at this point, though i was relatively aware of his blog. )

some background information: i had ranted openly on my blog about how i was tired of people vagueblogging, if they had a problem, come to my directly -- something i’ve said for my entire rp life on tumblr. as for the urls in this, kyle later changed his url to ‘’ legacydecay ‘’ and i changed mine to ‘’ fracturedson. ‘’ i then moved that blog when my tags got messed up, so that explains the ‘’ --moved ‘’ at the end of my blog url.

now this doesn’t seem too hostile. in fact, because of my confidence in the fact that i hadn’t been copying, i didn’t really fret about this accusation, either. at the time, i knew of kyle’s blog. i saw people interacting. but i wasn’t really interested to follow on my kylo because my duplicate anxiety was still warring with me. ( i mention this in my response to this. ) i did, however, follow on my x-wing pilot oc ( @enginebred ) because i had felt more comfortable there to do so. point is, i thought this would be settled easily enough. here’s my response.

at the time of this altercation, i’d like to add, i was using the words i mention and that’s it. rebirth, salvation. they were used to reiterate kylo’s god complex, something i had headcanoned / talked about quite often. as far as my blog went at the time, that was the only semblance of religious themes found.

if you’ve written with me / read my writing, you know i’m heavy on prose / flow of diction aka fluency. certain words, that capture what i want across, sound better than others. and therefore i incorporate them into my writing. ( the majority of the time i actually use a thesaurus ) either way, this is why i was confused and tried to come up w/ a solution that could fix this. aka, me using less of certain words if it would be to kyle’s benefit.

now maybe trying to diffuse the tension here wasn’t the best decision on my part. darp was a big part of my life for little under a year. as i had known kyle as hades previously, which he never mentioned to me and left me in the dark until other friends of mine informed me, i hadn’t put 2 and 2 together. i wanted us to be cool and okay. so my thought process said hey !! how about you try to start a mutual like of something? aka, dragon age.

this is true, as no one informed me of any vague. i was actually shocked to hear about it, but not offended. this is where i admit to having duplicate anxiety and, as i mentioned before, about how i was trying to get rid of it. i honestly and earnestly did believe kyle had a well developed blog. it’s why i didn’t follow. i felt as if i would only get more and more anxious, especially when the fandom was starting to grow larger and larger every day. at this time, i had no ill towards kyle. things seemed to be settled.

now, that’s it and that’s that. his response:

annnnnnd this is where everything, as i had thought they would, gets resolved. i apologised, tried to make changes to please him, and he in return understood that his accusation had no real basis. we kinda just went oh. okay. we’re cool.  ( **as a side note, i never knew what this ‘’ hell of a lot of evidence against it ‘’ ever was. again, i never saw any similarities. our portrayals had more differences than similarities, one such difference being the main point of each of our blogs. this will be discussed later on. )

now this was, admittedly, my fault. this ‘’ god tuned his back ‘’ on kylo thing was something i put as my title to my blog. i explain in this screenshot HERE why i had used it, saying that the quote i took it from was simply a quote i related kylo to and didn’t mean to cause a rift between us in an attempt to ‘’ steal ‘’ aesthetic or so forth. )

and this is the end of it. us coming to terms and i accepted his apology. end of story.

**however, there is something we talk about later in this conversation that i’d like to add. this is where our two portrayals differ entirely.

^ this is my response, stating how in my eyes kylo was irredeemable. aka, the whole basis of my portrayal.

^ this is kyle’s response. our portrayals are entirely different. my irredeemable basis was what i inspired to reiterate in every reply, graphic, drabble, etc etc. THIS IS IMPORTANT. why? because after a few months from this, a friend of mine had encouraged me to use more religious symbolism. i exchanged my concerns stating that if i did so, another kylo rper wouldn’t be happy. after discussing it with them, we both determined that if i were to use more religious symbolism -- TO EMPHASISE HIS DESCENT RATHER THAN REDEMPTION -- it wouldn’t be copying, stealing, or any of that because it speaks for two different paths that we believe in. i explain the symbolism differently and for my own purposes of his condemnation, and kyle would do so to explain kylo’s redemption. simple. that’s when we get into altercation number 2. 

after starting to use more religious themes, i was vagued about by one of kyle’s friends. ( who is, to my knowledge, no longer his friend. ) soon after, kyle contacted me. screenshots will be used later. in the end, i had told kyle i would NOT STOP using religious themes, as i honestly didn’t see what i was doing wrong. ( remember, i had believed taking a quote and using it to explain TWO VASTLY DIFFERENT STANCES on a character wasn’t copying or stealing. ) during this altercation, i relapsed and self-harmed. im unsure of how long it took me, but i no longer felt safe and proceeded to inform others of my imminent hospitlisation. in the end, i was hospitalised for a week. after coming back from it, i saw that my ex-bf, as well as a mutual friend of myself and kyle’s, had contacted me during my absence on skype. responding to him, we struck up a conversation where i proceeded to mention how a lot of shit went down in star wars rp and how i was ‘’ indisposed ‘’ ( he questioned that and then i explained the hospitlisation thing ) HERE ARE THE SCREENSHOTS OF THIS CONVERSATION OF ALTERCATION 2:

FIRST OFF, i just wanna say that, once again, kyle has people telling about stuff becoming ‘’ too similar. ‘’ i still don’t know who these people were and why they would, no matter what i did even after explaining it to kyle, report back to him as if some guard dog on alert. secondly, i felt ??? im not exactly sure how to describe what i felt. maybe the same thing kyle was feeling which was where my identity felt dashed, invalidated. there was a thinly veiled message of ‘’ you can’t use this name. ‘’ implied. i dont get why changing my name ( and i explain why i chose kylo in my response to this ) would make it seem suspicious? i understand that people were making it out to seem as if i were stealing from him so maybe it was just paranoia as kyle often wondered about himself in our conversations. ( though, if i ever said yeah maybe it was paranoia he would never seem to accept that answer. ) later on in this message, kyle informs me that he’s begun to feel uncomfortable because our motifs and, apparently, formatting began to look the same. he also mentions what started this altercation aka the ‘’ cain and abel ‘’ parallel i was trying to perform with my friend who had encouraged me to use more religious symbolism. but then he says something that made me take pause:

the whole ‘’ i thought we were friends ‘’ stuff. im sorry but it never felt like friendship. it felt like we just tolerated each other. i tried my hardest not to step on kyle’s toes after the first altercation, afraid i would be called out for something i was not intentionally doing. my friend had encouraged me and i thought okay. if i only do the symbolism in threads w/ me and her then we’d be set. either way, kyle never made any move to become friends. i considered us friends whilst in darp but, once again, i DID NOT KNOW this was the guy known as hades until later on when his roomate had contacted me ( AFTER i had reblogged a callout post regarding kyle’s actions in the community by roleplaying pedophilia. unfortunately this callout post seems to be lost. it’s not the only callout made towards kyle during his time in swrp under that name, but it was the first one that made me physically ill. ). i admit i always felt anxiety centered around kyle’s presence, but kept up appearances as being okay because i, again, feared of being slandered. i did try on multiple occasions to get over this anxiety, at one point even making a promo for three kylo rpers. me myself, kyle, and another who all, at the time, had urls with ‘’ -- son ‘’ at the end.in the end, and i do admit this in this conversation, i gave up and was content to let us simply exist in the same space. if we had no conflict, good. if we had no friendship, fine. we were just there. that was okay with me.

moving on. i explained some of my reasoning, though the number 1 bullet i explained isn’t really important as i reiterate it down the line. here are the screenshots of my reply:

i tried to show what i had said to one of his friends at the time when they approached me about my name change as well. now, as of december 106, my legal name is in fact kylo. and im terrified of giving out my birth / dead name, but this is just to show that yeah, this wasn’t just a way to shove him off my back. HOWEVER, in recent events i DID have a very large mental break over using kylo as my id / coping device. this lead to me being called zam for 5 months until, recently, i felt better to go back to being called kylo on tumblr, ( i can’t exactly change my legal name, however, so thats why i changed my alias on tumblr to allow me a semblance of a break. )

kyle’s response to this?

once more, it felt like i was being invalidated / guilted into not using the name kylo. kyle begins by saying well, you had four other names to choose from. ( i had zam, sixes, kylo and my birth / dead name. im sorry but im trans and im pretty sure kyle knew this at the time, too. why would i use my birth / dead name or even consider it as an option? besides that, i had just explained that zam was a name i used when i was confused and no longer wanted to use as i had finally found / accepted myself at the time. he seems like he just completely ignored everything i was saying and simply wanted a means to guilt me into changing my alias. ) then kyle proceeds to say ‘’ oh, well it’s fine. ‘’ as if it didn’t matter. and then, again, does a 180 and, oh look, here comes more guilt tripping. ‘’ besides, i thought you were going by sixes. ‘’ as i explained earlier in this post, that name didn’t stick. it didn’t mean anything to me. not like zam did when i began to use it and definitely not like kylo did. overall this part made me very very anxious and confused over what kyle would like for me to do to please him in this regard. in the end i said i would keep the name because it meant something to me, just like it obviously meant something to him as kyle had said numerous times he connected with kylo as did i, though for different reasons. moving on further in this conversation, kyle brings up that it’s really suspicous for me to be using religious symbolism on a character i believe irredeemable when ‘’ to pull from a religion that heavily emphasises redemption ‘’ is, apparently, strange. not like Christianity has it’s own moments of condemnation or, for that matter, those who interpret scipture as such. SCREENSHOT BELOW:

now it comes down to me trying to find a compromise, as kyle in this entire conversation had given me no options that would end this supposed conflict.

i offered to stop, to try and not use the same ones. i again tried to explain this wasn’t intentional. in the end, this seemed to fall on deaf ears, kyle once again talking about how he was uncomfortable and upset. i’m pretty sure we came to a ... sort of compromise. we didn’t really touch up on it as i had relapsed and was, thereafter, hospitalised for a week as i mentioned before. HOWEVER, i also mentioned a mutual friend of ours coming to me, resulting in my apology towards kyle. 

our mutual friend sat me down and explained to me something i had not known. kyle, apparently, had bpd. our mutual friend then explained to me how his religious symbolism was the foundation of his identity, something i overlooked in our first altercation. i felt horrible, awful. i thanked our mutual friend for telling me this and went on to create an apology to. this is my apology: ( the whited out parts are the name of a mutual friend who didn’t wish to be apart of this callout )

and this was it. i felt so bad. i felt like i was an asshole. i cut off all religious symbolism ( tho, i wasnt going to completely erase my portrayal / growth i had done and kept the word choice such as salvation, holy, rebith, etc etc. ) and tried to restrain myself from that area i had previously explored. his reponse:

now i do have to include that our altercation between me, my friend, and kyle was anything but civil. both of us tried to be, i see that, but in the end there was quite a bit of passive aggressive / guilt trips done. there was even a point where kyle had tried to assure me he wasn’t manipulating me, accusing me of doing so to him and that, even tho he has an illness that makes him want to manipulate people, he wasnt because he wasn’t that shitty. screenshot HERE and HERE. )

*** here he says he tried to keep his friend from lasing out. his ex-friend who had vagued me for using religious symbolism obviously lashed out at me in a public manner, as well as dragging it out to make it known they were, more or less, aware of my ‘’ copying. ‘’ no doubt kyle had ranted about me to them and showed me in a bad light, despite our first altercation ending in a mutual understanding. ***

he accepted my apology. this is similar, isn’t it? so we move on. i put it behind me. i do what i said i would. everything seems settled. this brings us to altercation 3, thought this one is shorter. background info once again. i had made a post saying i would be unfollowing all kylo’s except my pal vera’s and a few others or so, stating that my anxiety was getting the better of me. i made it clear i would refollow after my anxiety died down. kyle had unfollowed me after i unfollowed him. however, it wasn’t just an unfollow. i didn’t know this at the time. in fact, he blocked me. this was around the time i had created my senator casterfo blog from the star wars novel bloodline. ( @senateslain ) i had followed him there as, once again, i don’t feel duplicate anxiety on non-duplicate blogs. he proceeded to send me one, very brief message before blocking me on that blog, as well:

i was confused. a little shocked. everything that happened between us was resolved, wasnt it? he accepted my apology like i had done to his first one and we moved on. however, i respected this decision. i never contacted him again and strayed from his blogs. however, i did speek of his blog because i was confused and asked others’ for their opinion on the matter and what i should do.  now, this brings up to the lead up of altercation 4, our biggest and final interaction. in the resulting days after, i had checked kyle’s blog to see if i were mentioned anywhere, feeling vastly left in the dark and confused over this. that’s when i noticed that accessing his blog page would redirect me to an e-how page entitled ‘’ how to stop being an abuser. ‘’ this really, really got to me. i had absolutely no idea what would warrant this. i told a few friends once again looking for input or guidance or some clue as to what i was missing. i gained nothing and was very shaken up at this finding. ( i have no screenshots of this as i refused to go back to his blog again. ) then one day when me and a mutual friend of ours ( i wouldn’t tell people to not interact / be friends w. kyle, as it was their choice and this most recent problem was overall very confusing. ) posted some screenshots of our skype logs, as they were funny to us, marshy ( as she was called at the time ) was approached by kyle ( who she called kylo. both me and kyle liked to be called by kylo, something he thought i was making fun of him for when, in fact, i’m a trans male and my birth name / dead name started w/ a k. **AS SEEN EARLIER** i had looked forever for a male k name that i liked and kylo was the only one i rlly connected to, being sort of fictivekin and using kylo as a coping device / id. ) anyway, kyle had given her an ultimatum: stop being friends w/ me / talking to me or he would no longer be her friend / write with her. she was very, very shaken up. she contacted me only after i asked her what was wrong as she seemed very distressed. from there she informed me of it and i asked her, after trying to aide her in calming down, if she could send a message stating that i was willing to work out whatever it was that had happened between myself and kyle that warranted all of this. his response was that he couldn’t. and that he was sorry. this resulted in THIS POST. this was my goodbye post on @fracturedson. i realised that if kyle didn’t want to reconcile whatever it was that had happened, there was no way for me to stay safe in the fandom. there was no way my friends wouldn’t be given the same ultimatum as marshy, who proceeded to have a breakdown as she didn’t wish to lose either us. after this, i was repeatedly accused of playing the victim card by kyle’s friends. at one point a callout post was made about me, myself. this where i began to believe i was the abuser. that everything kyle had told people behind my back was true. ( which, marshy can testify to, ranged from saying to watch out for me as well as that he was going to get a restraining order against me, despite not knowing my full legal name and us never meeting in real life. MARSHY DOES NOT HAVE THESE SCREENSHOTS. however, she gave me a statement as to why:

that’s that. like i said, she was very shaken up at that particular altercation. ) at this point, i had another break. i sent a message to everyone in my contacts on skype about how awful of a person i was and how sorry i was to have been their friend. i apologised saying that if i had ever hurt them i regretted it. i said i was an abuser. i was abusive. and that i was sorry. i then proceeded to kill any and all contact for three days. i wanted to die so, so badly. this resulted in my third suicide attempt, my second being somewhere in march ( one i never really talked about. ) after my failed attempt, some intensive therapy, and a few days break to gather myself ( i had been put under a safety contract instead of hospitalised as, in the state of tn, you can make your own decisions for your mental health at the age of 16. i was 18 at the time. ), i logged back into skype and apologised to those who stayed and mourned the loss of those who left because of this. after talking to my therapist about this, she had concluded that i was manipulated and cyberbullied. she had also given me a website to go to if i wanted a case as, apparently, kyle could have very well been charged with criminal activity. instead of doing so i moved on. put it behind me. went to a new fandom and let myself be happy and heal. that was the last i heard of kyle. until another mutual friend ( though they are now an ex-friend as well ) showed me the various screenshots of him talking shit about me and revealed to me what may possibly have started this whole ordeal. here are these screenshots.

so?? some sort of jealously going on.

i’m sorry but when have i ever guilt tripped you? i tried my hardest to appease you and make sure we came to a compromise. most of the time it was your actions / words that led me to feel like shit even when i tried my hardest to appease you / work things out. sometimes you blatantly ignored my attempts to do so, too. ( as a side note because i don’t know when these were said, this ‘’ drama ‘’ could very well be the pedophilia problem that happened, as the altercations between us, the majority of the time, was kept between us. it’s not like i made a giant post saying hey !!! i’m having problems w/ this guy !!! so i mean. kyle, honestly, what did you expect? )

annnnd here’s this one !! have i not explained this before? your backbone, in your eyes, may be religious symbolism. but your portrayal is one of redemption. you also deny the events of bloodline. i do THE OPPOSITE. i see him as irredeemable. i see the events of bloodline and the subsequent timeline of kylo’s life as canon.i guess you’ve just ignored what i’ve said many, many times before. IF I USE THE SAME MOTIFS ( which you can’t stop if it’s from a widely practiced religion ) BUT USE IT IN DIFFERENT WAYS AKA EXPLANATION / PURPOSE, IS IT REALLY CONSIDERED STEALING IF IT’S GETTING ACROSS A TOTALLY COMPLETELY POINT?

again i don’t know what this ‘’ zam is literally trying to become me ‘’ stuff is because i was never interested in your life. i was never interested in ‘’ becoming you ‘’ despite what you constantly told others behind my back. ( remember when you told people you were getting a restraining order against me despite not knowing a. where i live and b. my full legal name at the time. ) second, im sorry if your personal aesthetic was at stake. i don’t even know what your ‘’ personal aesthetic ‘’ is. really fucked up stuff? i dunno about you but dude, i’m trying to get away from that stuff.