#sitalog

I mentioned before that I volunteered to go back to office due to reasons and part of me is worried about my travel but my supervisor assured us that a shuttle service will be provided, we will have Pick Up Drop Off right our doorstep to office and vice versa when going home. At the moment we are around 60 people in the building and following strict protocols for social distancing, wearing face mask and face shield all the time.

I really really feel safe there. They are giving us free lunch over the free shuttle service. Im still in disbelief that our company is willing to spent some money to us for our safety while also paying us for work. While I hear my friends from other company they are required to go work, no volunteer, and they don’t even get free shuttle.

I have issue with internet and it’s affecting my work so I volunteered. But at the same time, My main reason is because I dont really feel human again and I know I need to do something about myself because im the only and should be the one who could help myself and maybe going back to work even if Im kinda risking my health is a better option. (And if I ever got covid my only wish is for me to die quickly and painless like in my sleep or something like goddammit PLEASE LET ME REST IN PEACE)

I’m being inactive again, online and in real life. I’m having artblock and readersblock again, but 1 week of going to office is maybe ok. I am taking shower again and eating properly unlike before. And our office has really tight security and rules when it comes to safety and proper social distancing. At the very least I feel safe at the office. I just like the idea of going to work without having to interact or socialize with anybody. Like I dont have to force myself to pretend Im happy all the time and talk to my coworkers. Now, I can get free coffee, work in peace and i dont have to talk to anyone. That’s all I want in work LMAO

Sometimes, I think I should really go see a doctor and get myself fixed thru medicine or theraphy or something but that costs money and I defitely don’t have a luxury for that because I need to pay our bills and feed my siblings. And at the same time I feel like I’m just overreacting and just pretending to be this sad sad girl to get attention. I still doubt myself for having thse kind of thoughts and feelings. I can hear my friends voice already saying that there are people who are suffering and hurting more than I do, that I should just stop this nonsense, that I should stop acting like a teenager with an emo phase and be thankful. I’m trying I swear.

I don’t know how to end this. I think im feeling ok when I started going back to office than WFH set up because I have a reason to take a shower or something. I am able to sleep faster than before too, It still take some time but not like before that I almost couldn’t sleep. I still feel tired emotionally but at least my tiredness physically is overwhelming that so. I’m still worried about getting the virus but really I thought if I ever get sick, I just wish I have enough savings for my funeral so I gots to work hard.

I guess that is all...I will try to get back at drawing again. I have so many things I wanna draw but when I am infront of the canvas THOUGHTS ARE EMPTY lol.

I am playing Genshin Impact and I love it so much, I’ll probBly draw fanarts of them once artblock is gone...

So yeah, i guess that is all for now.