#sirius002

Sirius couldn’t help it. He’d tried, tried to keep it in as best he could, but after leaving the library, he’d exploded. He’d grabbed the first person to look at him wrong, an unfortunate Ravenclaw sixth year, and started what had turned in to an all out brawl between a dozen students. It was a mess of blood and broken bones. Sirius was certain he had a concussion; he was dizzy and he couldn’t think straight, but that was almost a blessing. His hands shook from adrenaline as he tried to light a cigarette, but his fingers were broken and he wasn’t having the easiest time of it. “I owe that Claw and his friends a round of drinks. Didn’t think the book-worms had that in them,” he muttered to himself. It had been a good fight, but he wished it had made him feel better. It hadn’t, and he just wanted to keep fighting. He felt someone approaching him and didn’t bother looking up. “Detention, I wager?”

It was utterly impossible to have missed the fight between Sirius and the McKinnon girl if you had been anywhere even remotely close to the library.  As it was, Regulus had been in the Restricted Section doing research for a Potions essay when the shouts reached his ears. He hadn’t even realized who it was at first, not until the whispers joined the shouts and he heard pretty much everything.  That being said, it wasn’t surprising to him when, as word of the fight reached any prefects in the area, Sirius’ name was caught up in the details.  “It’d be frowned upon if I didn’t give you one,” he drawled, crossing the empty corridor to where his brother had all but collapsed against the wall.  Since their talk in the courtyard, Sirius had been heavy on Reg’s mind.  Not, of course, that he ever wasn’t.  That was what prompted him now, hands slipped into his pockets as he stood above his brother.  After that day he had thought - well - Sirius didn’t seem so far away anymore.  “But you look as if you’ve taken punishment enough."  The polite way of saying ‘you look like shite.’

Sirius looked up and attempted to smile at his brother, but he couldn’t tell if his face was working right or if it was just too numb to function. He chuckled weakly and coughed his way through it, hoping it was just blood in his mouth that made it sound so horrendous and wet. He finally managed to light his cigarette, though he promptly dropped his lighter after he did. He didn’t bother trying to pick it up again; he had others anyway. “Always the better brother,” he mumbled, amused. He’d be lying if he said that Reg hadn’t factored in to his high tension after their encounter, though it was his blow up argument with Marlene that had set him off. He laughed again and leaned his head back against the stone wall, closing his eyes when his vision started sliding in and out of focus. “…..Not doin’ so good, Reggie,” he mumbled, though he didn’t mean just physically.

Regulus had never seen Sirius at quite this level of beaten, physically anyways. But then, he’d never really had the opportunity.  He knew his brother picked fights when he was upset, that wasn’t new knowledge.  And judging from the level of beat up he was now, Regulus estimated his stress level was perhaps higher than it had ever been.  Or nearly.  If he had less control of his features, he would have winced at the words.  He hated that particular title.  “Certainly the one with a better sense of self preservation,” he agreed, though the words were not self complimentary.  Self preservation could so easily be construed as weakness, after all.  The sound of his laugh had Reg narrowing his eyes.  It sounded awful, worse than it should.  If his brother hadn’t spoken again, he would hae helped him to the hospital wing and been on his way.  But Sirius did.  And Regulus couldn’t.  He bent his knees, lowering to put himself at eye level with Sirius.  He reached out and took his brother’s hand - the first contact since their ill advised hug - and turned it over, taking in the broken bones.  "This’ll pinch,“ he warned as he pulled his wand from the pocket of his robes, muttering a charm as he pressed the wand to Sirius’ knuckles.  "Tell me,” he prompted, as if it would distract Sirius from the pain of being healed while he reached for the other hand.  Which was how he justified his need to know what was going on in his brother’s head. 

“Good,” he mumbled. “Expect you to outlive me by a mile, then.” He didn’t think he could hold his head up straight long enough to look at Regulus properly, so he didn’t try. His brother touching his hand hurt more than he wanted to admit, but he craved that touch so desperately that he didn’t make a sound til his bones were snapped forcefully back in to place. He cried out softly in pain, but he felt so physically drained he barely made a sound. He passed his cigarette from one hand to the other, not even bothering to try to smoke it. Just the smell of it was calming to his nerves; it didn’t quite take the edge off, but it smoothed out the jaggedness of the edges. Sirius tried to shake his head, but it didn’t work very well. “Can’t, baby….” he murmured. “I can’t… I shoulda…. I wanted to. I wanted to tell her an’ I didn’t…. s’better like this. Just make it clean, do it now.” He knew he wasn’t making any sense, but words were so hard to string together when it came to this already, let alone with blood pounding in his head. He turned to look at Reggie, and realized for the first time that his right eye was swelling shut. His brother wasn’t in focus at all, and it occurred to him that his sharpest memory was of Regulus several years younger than he was now, but it was the only image his brain was supplying him. “Ran away again, Reggie. An’ I can’t fix it now. Can’t make it right. Made sure of it. M’so good at burnin’ bridges I don’t want to burn.”

His jaw tightened as he heard Sirius cry out in pain as his bones slid back into place.  He didn’t like causing pain, especially not to Sirius, but it was this or get him to the hospital wing and he thought his brother would prefer the privacy.  Not to mention, Reg was being a bit selfish. By fixing Sirius up himself, he got time with him.  Time he’d been denying he wanted.  He took care of Sirius’ hands as he spoke saying nothing as he allowed his brother the time he needed to get his thoughts together, to decide how much he even wanted to share.  Hearing Sirius call him baby, it never didn’t strike him.  Through all his cold detachment, that word could always it’s way to his heart - a heart that went out to Sirius now.  He healed Sirius’ other hand, interrupting his brother only long enough to mutter another warning about the pain.  

When Sirius turned his head to take Regulus in, the younger boy saw the black eye, the possibly broken nose, the blood everywhere.  “Sure you can,” he offered his brother, the state of his face not to mention his head getting the better of Reg’s distaste of talking about his own feelings.  He rationalized.  Called it a puzzle in need of solving instead of what it was.  A desperate desire to help his big brother.   “You made us right."  He hadn’t realized it was right, but the words rang true when he said them.  He and his brother had a lot still to work out but the biggest part was done.  Reg wasn’t bitter anymore, didn’t question what he’d done wrong to push his brother away.  Now they learned to move forward.  "I heard what happened,” he confessed, wand moving to Sirius’ nose.  “Steady."  Bones moved back into place again.   "The fight I mean.  Siri, what are you so afraid of?”

Sirius felt like he’d been punched in the chest all over again, hearing his brother say that. Their bridge wasn’t burned and gone, it was fixed. It was fixed and Sirius could have cried. He might have; he couldn’t tell if his vision was so fucked up from tears in his eyes or because of the damage done or both. Both was the most likely. He swallowed hard his throat aching and stiff, but what parts of his expression could still soften under the swelling and caked blood and broken parts did as best as they could manage while he looked at him. “Did I….?” He hadn’t meant to sound so vulnerable as he did, but he couldn’t help it. Regulus was his baby, his brother, his blood. If he’d somehow managed to repair all the damage he’d done, he thought he might be able to fly.

His head snapped unwillingly to the side as his bones were shoved back in to alignment and he cried out again, his hand flying up to clutch at the renewed cartilage and bone. tears of pain definitely in his eyes now. He waited for the smarting to pass, wiping the blood from his face with his sleeve as best he could in the mean time, before he even attempted to tackle an answer to that. “Reggie….” His voice was incredibly soft, and for the first time, it wavered dangerously. “I….. M….Marley and me, we….. we’re not…. I don’t….. It’s over anyway. Should just be left alone….. Better this way, her without me. She deserves everything and I can’t…… I’ve nothing to give, baby, I’ve not…..” He looked down at his bloody hands, trying not to look as upset as he was. “Wish you hadn’t heard that…. Didn’t mean what I said to her. I just….”

It felt to Reg that he was relearning who Sirius was after so many years.  Sirius had only left home a bit over a year ago but he’d been distant long before that.  Regulus had spent more time watching his brother than truly knowing him, and perhaps that was why he could tell so much from simply watching his brother, the words only came second.   When they had talked the other night, Regulus had seen what leaving had done to the older boy.  He’d seen the way he cringed when Reg told him how much it hurt to be left behind - as much as Reg was capable of saying.  They weren’t good as new, but they were certainly on their way.  “You asked to see me,” he said as if that explained everything.   And at it’s simplest level.  It did.  Reg had felt abandoned for so long, he’d just needed to know his brother still needed him.

Once the nose was fixed, the vast majority of the remaining injuries seemed superficial.  At least enough that Regulus shifted to sit beside his brother instead of looking for another bone to shove back into place.   He sat so close to Sirius that their arms pressed against one another.   He mused that if the roles were reversed, Sirius would hold his hand or kiss his hair, but Regulus struggled with even this much.  “You were just scared,” Regulus repeated, knowing Sirius was doing all he could manage but still not having enough information to really help.  All he knew for certain was that his brother was terrified…and quite possibly in love.  “No one’s better off without you, Sirius,” he added softly, the words hard to say as they were far more poignant than he was used to admitting.  But he hated hearing Sirius put himself down as he was.   Life without Sirius in it, once you’d had him as a part of it, wasn’t something Regulus wished on anyone.

Just that little bit of explanation was enough. You asked to see me. Regulus didn’t need to explain what it meant. Had Regulus ever asked to see him before all of this, he’d have understood that he was still needed, still cared about. And after they’d spoken - or whatever it was that mess of emotions had been - he knew Regulus understood that after he’d begged his brother for a minute of his time. He didn’t need to be told more than that. It made him wish he’d reached out the moment he’d left home, or before that, or something, but at least they had now. And as much as Sirius wanted to run from the mess he’d made, leaving Regulus ever again like that just wasn’t a fucking option, not now that they were finally, finally here.

He shifted when Regulus sat beside him, leaning more heavily against his brother than he normally might have. He felt like he might start spitting blood from between his teeth or lose his breakfast all over the floor. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, but Reg’s presence grounded him at least a little. He didn’t know what to say to you were just scared. He didn’t know how Regulus always knew, but somehow he could read Sirius better than anyone, maybe even her. But it wasn’t until his next words that Sirius couldn’t hold it together anymore. He buried his face in his knees, his bloody but fixed hands gripping at his jeans. “Don’t…..don’t say that,” he whispered. His voice was threatening to crack. “Everyone, Reggie…..everyone’s better off….” He’d heard so many times now how much he was worth but he didn’t feel like he deserved it at all. To his absolute horror, he started to cry and he did his best to hide it. He wouldn’t, not here, not in front of Reg. But he was so hurt, so wounded, so lost and terrified of his own emotions that he didn’t know what else to do. It scared him too much, the words he wouldn’t even give himself, and he pushed those feelings away again. It left him with the emptiness and the pain and the very solid reality that he’d just lost Marlene. Feelings or not, that would have been enough to take him to his knees, but since he lacked the strength to stand, this was all he had left he could do.

Regulus wasn’t dumb to the kind of pain required for Sirius to lose control in front of him.  Their whole lives, his big brother had gone above and beyond when it came to trying to protect him.  Even when that meant protecting him from his own emotions, opinions, and problems.   Regulus didn’t hold that against him, not for a single second, but he often wished his brother had realized that his pain didn’t hurt him.  He wanted to be for Sirius what the older boy had been for him in their youth.  A safe place.  A harbor.  Reg used to be able to say anything to Sirius without fear of judgment or abandonment.  Not like with their parents.  Every word Reg ever said to their parents was carefully plucked and planned and crafted to please them.  But with Sirius - before he’d left anyway - Reg just spoke.  It meant they often fought but fight as they did, Regulus had never doubted that they were still brothers.  He would be that person for Sirius now, his own insecurities aside, because nothing Sirius had done in his life warranted pain like this.  

He shook his head at Sirius’ protests, pressing back against his brother leaning heavily on him, the push against one another the closest thing Reg knew to wrapping his arm around him.  He pushed against him to remind him he was there, and that as heavy as Sirius leaned, he wouldn’t crumble away.  “You’re a stubborn git,” Regulus observed.  It was an odd observation to make, for all that Sirius was close to breaking completely in half beside him.  The problem was, Regulus wanted to cry for how wrong Sirius was.  This was the only way he knew how to tell him.  “You never listen, not to anyone.  Not to anyone except the two people who don’t know you at all."  He was talking about their parents, the only two people Regulus could imagine ever planting this idea in Sirius’ head.  He crossed an arm over his body to rest a hand on Sirius’ arm, closer to holding his hand all the time.   "Listen to me, not them.  What’s the worst that will happen if you stay?"  In her life, in the life of whoever it was his brother was trying to push away. 

Feeling his brother’s weight pressing back against his shoulder and the reassuring hand on his arm was enough to steady him for a little longer. He wanted to pull himself together, but he knew if he did that, crashing would be so much harder. He couldn’t help it; he laughed though it was strangled and choked between his dry sobs. Regulus had likely never called anyone a git in his life; Sirius doubted his brother was often so undignified. It was something he needed, this momentary lapse of propriety from Regulus. That and that he was here, touching him in any way, making effort that he knew Regulus would put forth for only a precious few, meant the world to him today. He felt like scum, but his brother cared. It was enough for him.

At his question, though, Sirius fell silent again. What’s the worst that could happen? He had so many answers to that and none at the same time. He didn’t want to speak at all, but he couldn’t hide. Not from Reg. The expression on his face was anguished and he tried to look away. “Then I’ll have stayed,” he answered quietly. To many, maybe even James, that answer wouldn’t be an answer at all. But Regulus would understand. He, who had been left first, and had been hurt the most, would understand. Sirius turned in to him, pressing his bloody, ruined face to his brother’s shoulder, his eyes closing. “It shouldn’t scare me so fucking much,” he whispered. His head was throbbing and he thought he might be sick. The pain in his chest was from far more than broken bones and bruised skin and it was making it harder to breathe. “I can’t.” He was trying to say he couldn’t feel for her, not because he was afraid, but because he wasn’t even sure if he was capable. “I don’t…. I’m not even sure I know what it means.”

Having grown up in the same house as Sirius, it would have been impossible for Regulus not to understand where this feeling was coming from.  To not know why Sirius thought staying was the poor decision, the option that would hurt himself or whoever he stayed for.  Love his parents as he did, they had not done right by their eldest son.  Because he was so different than they were, they made it clear he was not good enough, not worth loving or being loved by.  Seeing what that had manifested as, the damage it had done, was enough to infuriate Regulus. An accomplishment in and of itself, as Regulus was nearly never at odds with his parents.  In this, though, he knew they couldn’t’ have been more wrong.  

He needed to choose his words carefully, he knew. Say the wrong thing and he was comparing this moment to the night Sirius had run from home and they were not the same.  It had taken him time to come to terms with Sirius’ leaving but the fact of the matter was, he had to go.  It was the best for him and Regulus accepted that. It hurt him, but that was worth it for Sirius to survive.  To thrive. He didn’t know Marlene, didn’t know the details of his brother’s relationship with her, but he didn’t believe it was the same situation. Sirius ran to a better life when he left home, now he was running away.  "What what means?“ he asked, trying to clarify.  "What it would mean to stay?  Or what it means that you’re afraid of it?” 

His head was pounding so much and he was so dizzy it took him a moment to work out what Regulus was saying. “….Both, I guess,” he finally said. He had never stayed. He’d never been able to no matter how hard he’d tried; he’d always left no matter what he was leaving behind or how much he loved whatever it was he abandoned. It was self-preservation initially that drove his instinct, but he didn’t think he could continue to blame it now. He knew he was scared and that was enough reason to run, wasn’t it? But Regulus was right to ask; he wasn’t sure what it was exactly that he was scared of.

He covered Regulus’ hand with his own, pressing his brother’s palm against his arm. Regulus felt warm to him and for once he craved it; he hated heat most times, but he needed this desperately. “…..I told her I didn’t owe her anything,” he finally told him, mumbling the words against Reggie’s shoulder. “Told her she could never make me stay and days ago I begged her not to leave and she said she wouldn’t and it was always supposed to be us cause she just gets it, Reggie, and I don’t know what happened everything just slipped out and I don’t know what to do cause I can’t take it back but I can’t let it go either and it hurts.” He didn’t just mean the words he’d said today. He’d said those two words only Regulus would understand, as ever, as though it was the most natural thing in the world, and now he’d done it twice but he didn’t have the emotions to back it up and it confused and frightened him. “I just don’t want it to hurt anymore.” It had been a matter of a couple of hours now since the fight, and already it felt like it was killing him.

Regulus was nothing if not a logical thinker and as his brother gave him more of the precious details that were stuck into him like knives, Regulus couldn’t help but fit them into the puzzle.  His mind slipped into familiar patterns, looking for meanings in words and phrases that Sirius may not even know he had uttered.  He had more questions, he always did, but there was one other thing he heard in Sirius’ words, in his story.  Even if he hadn’t said he hurt, Regulus would have known.   It became more clear with every word and Regulus didn’t have it in him to make it worse with more probing questions.  Not to mention, the younger wizard knew his brother.  Where Regulus worked from his head, Sirius worked from his heart, and his heart would work itself out much faster if Regulus didn’t bombard it with facts it wasn’t ready to hear.

So when Sirius covered his hand, Regulus turned his own palm up to wrap his fingers around his brother’s.  He wouldn’t give him empty promises, wouldn’t tell him the pain would fade or that he would stop hurting anytime soon.  Empty promises did nothing, in Regulus’ opinion, and he cared too much for his brother to be anything less than sincere.  “You’ll work it out, in time.”  This, he knew, was true.  He always had before.  And as for the physical pain - “You really should go to the hospital wing.  I don’t know the spells you need.” 

Sirius was relieved when Regulus didn’t say anything else except to remind him that it would get better. He hoped so, because he didn’t know how he would stand living like this forever. He wasn’t sure he could, which meant he had to find another way through this. Regulus said it would just take time, and while that idea was so painful he could hardly breathe, he knew his brother was right somewhere deep down beneath the pounding ache inside his skull. He squeezed Reggie’s hand in return and shook his head, slowly, very very carefully. “Everyone I fought with is there… Take me upstairs. Lily can fix this.” Even that was excruciating. Marlene was the one to patch him up after fights, as imprecise as her healing spells always were. It had been their thing for years and he wanted her so much the ache in his chest only grew, but he said nothing.

He had to lean on Regulus heavily to get back to his feet, and was unsteady as hell when he finally managed it. He was dizzy and disoriented, and he was unable to keep himself from retching where he stood. He knew somewhere in his thick skull that that meant he almost certainly had a concussion, and a bad one, which meant he couldn’t be left alone until he was healed, wasn’t allowed to sleep til then despite how heavy he felt. He didn’t know how he drudged all this up from his brain, but his survival instincts had always been strong. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and leaned on his brother’s shoulder. His steps were stumbling and slow, pain shooting through him every time he moved. It was easier than thinking about it, easier than remember why he was in this pain to begin with. He just needed to get upstairs, despite the struggle it was for Reg to support his weight. All he wanted was to sit back down, not to think or have to do anything else. He could deal with the rest later. Not that he knew how, but at least he had this first. One thing at a time, he told himself. He’d get through this one fucking thing at a time.

After James disappeared, preoccupied with the sixty chocolate frogs they’d let loose (or however many it had been), Sirius pulled himself away and went looking for Evans. He’d joked with her about Vernon and Petunia before, but he was worried after the state she’d been in the last time he’d seen her. Now that everything was calmer and his head wasn’t such a fog of restlessness and panic, he had the mind to track her down.

When he found her, he gently pulled her aside without so much as a word, and only spoke when they were alone. “Lils….” He wasn’t really sure what all he could say; he was still stunned he had been the one she’d called upon in her moment of need. “How’re you holdin’ up? I mean really. No goofin’ around. Y’alright?”

Lily had been so thankful that Sirius hadn’t mentioned the state she’d been in that night, but she knew she wasn’t lucky enough for Sirius to let it go completely.  She was glad, though, that he at least found her on her own and made sure he had privacy before he brought up the single most embarrassing night of her life.

"I’m fine," she insisted when he asked after her.  "I don’t know why I let it get to me that night.  Petunia hasn’t wanted me around for years, that night was nothing different."  It was the truth.  The redhead couldn’t pinpoint what about that night had been different, just that something definitely had been.  "Thank you for not mentioning it in front of James.  Or to anyone, really."

Sirius didn’t believe her for a second. “It got to you cause it hurt,” he insisted. “Bratty sister or not, you know I know better.” Of course it was different; new insult to injury was always different. For years he had held out hope that Regulus would come around to no avail, but every time his brother snubbed him it was like the first time all over again. He knew this had been no different, that Lily probably thought maybe Petunia would come around for the sake of her wedding. They were family affairs, after all, and Lily should be part of it. Knowing she wasn’t as welcome as anyone was doing a lot more damage than she let on.

Sirius waved off her thanks. “Jim doesn’t have siblings. He wouldn’t get it.” It would just make him fret and flustered and confused, and his million questions would only make it worse. “If you’d wanted him to know, you’d’a told him yourself.” That was how he felt about it, anyway. “M’not sayin’ you’ve gotta tell me anything, Evans. Just that I know it’s hard. Not many here get it. So…. you can talk to me. Without the alcohol this time, yeah? Don’t need it for me to listen.”

Sometimes it took Lily by surprise how well Sirius understood her, but as she thought it through, she knew there was nothing surprising about it.  Of their friends, they were the only two who knew what this felt like, to have someone as intrinsic to their cores as a sibling push them away as if there were something wrong with them.  It was a particular kind of pain, one you couldn’t explain and one that never really dulled.  One you - clearly - never got used to.

"Tha-" she struggled for the words to say, to express how much that meant to her.   "Thank you," she finally managed, eyes down on the fingers she’d laced together nervously.  She bit her lip before looking up again.  "That’s why I owled you that night," she pointed out.  "I mean, I probably wouldn’t have owled anyone if I hadn’t been drunk but that it was you was - " she trailed off again and shrugged, a sad smile on her lips. 

Sirius shook his head, dismissing her thanks. “You’re my friend, Lils. If you weren’t before, y’are now.” You didn’t have an experience like that with someone, seeing them at their most raw and vulnerable, and walk away without some sort of connection there. That’s how he saw it anyway. Besides, it wasn’t the first time one had seen the other so terribly compromised.

He covered her knit hands with one of his and offered her a smile. “You did the same for me,” he reminded her. “After mum… Forget it, Lils. We’re even.” He knew what she meant, and didn’t need to make her say it. Sometimes words were too much, and he of all people understood that. “M’always gonna come when you call, yeah? Owl me any time.” It was the most he could offer to anyone at all; he wasn’t the kind of person who was a permanent fixture in anyone’s life, but if she ever needed him, he didn’t think he could refuse no matter how far and long he’d gone. “You’ll get through it, Evans. You’re a Gryffindor.”

When his hands covered hers, it made it easier for her to look up.  She shifted her hands enough so she was holding his instead of their hands simply touching.  When he mentioned Mrs. Potter’s death, she knew that he was right.  That even if they hadn’t been friends before, only friendly, they were friends now.  Of their own right, independent of the way he and Marlene couldn’t figure out what they were doing or the way Lily and James danced around one another, over that summer Lily and Sirius had forged a bond of their own.  

"And to think some people just think Sirius Black is all charm and ego, and no substance," she said with a small smile, squeezing his hand.  "You are too, you know," she added.  "I don’t know what happened between you and James this summer, or why you disappeared but whatever it was, you’ll make it right."  The truth was, she didn’t need to know.  Whatever it was, Sirius was here now.  "Now that we’re being all open and sappy though, I expect you to talk to me next time.  Instead of just doing a runner."

Sirius looked terribly offended at that. “Excuse me?” He clasped his free hand over his heart, looking wounded. “I take extreme offense to that, Miss Evans. I am absolutely all charm and ego and dashing good looks. Me? Substance? I never." He laughed, feeling a little more at ease now. It was getting less difficult to be himself around her after what had happened over the summer, and he was grateful. He hoped she and James would figure things out and if that happened, it would be infinitely easier if they were friends. He wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t the reason she had refused James for so long to begin with.

His smile faded at that and it was his turn to look down at her hands holding on to his. He traced her wrist with his thumb, more for something to do than anything else. A line creased between his brows, and for a moment, he wasn’t sure how to ask what he needed to. “….How?” he finally managed. “How do you fix things between friends?” He’d never fought with the Marauders before, not once. “It was bad, Lils, alright? It was just….. really bad.” He couldn’t talk about the incident, and that was on Dumbledore’s orders. And he couldn’t explain why the Potters’ had reminded him of Grimmauld Place or why that scared him. He couldn’t tell her any of it even if he wanted to; the consequences were too severe, so he kept it to himself.

She laughed at his mock offense, the sound feeling odd amidst the seriousness of where the conversation had started.  He could pretend all he liked, though, Lily finally knew there was more to Sirius Black than he cared to show to the rest of the world.  She would have to be blind not to see it, not after the way he had been with James in the compartment, the way he had been at Mrs. Potter’s funeral, even the way he had been with her after Petunia’s dinner.  Sirius Black was a better friend than nearly anyone she knew, even if he didn’t want anyone to knw it.  “Don’t worry, I’ll keep it to myself.  Wouldn’t want people thinking you were a decent bloke or anything.”  

She didn’t answer him right away, wanting to take the time to word her answer as best she could.  “It doesn’t matter how bad it was,” she said after a moment.  “James - he loves you.  He needs you.  And I know it’s the same for you.  So as bad as it is, you’ll both figure it out.”  That was the core of the matter, really.  No one wore themselves down the way James did for anything less.  “The only way you could lose him forever is if you stopped fighting for him.”  That she knew with absolute certainty.   Because that is how she’d lost Severus.  And that was probably the most important piece of advice she could have given him.  Running away again would be the worst thing he could do.

"No," he agreed with a laugh. "Definitely can’t have that.” He couldn’t begin to explain why he didn’t want people to know, but the best explanation he had was that he was ashamed of who he was. He wore his reputation on his sleeve, bearing it proudly, but the real Sirius Black? The loyal one, the stubborn and proud friend? The boy who was terrified to love and be loved in return, who hid his history books out of shame? No. He needed to stay far, far away from where the rest of the world could see him. Maybe one day she’d really know him, but for now what little she’d seen was enough.

James loves you. They shouldn’t have, but the words made him recoil, almost as though he’d been struck by them. He could handle being needed, but loved? How many times had those words been thrown at him only to be taken away at the first sign of trouble? He’d lost count. But there was more to what she had to say, and that, at least, he understood. “I will always fight for my James. Always.” There was no question about it, no hesitation in his voice. He wouldn’t make that mistake again, of giving up and running away for good. Not like last time. He swallowed hard and took a minute to mull over her words. Sirius hated how slowly he processed things, but it was important. It was worth the hesitation. “…..I won’t lose him?” he said finally, his voice almost timid. “I’ve not…?”

Lily said nothing as she waited for Sirius to let all of her words sink in.  His first reaction was fierce and defensive but she wasn’t entirely certain hers wouldn’t have been the same way in his position.  And so she waited and eventually he heard her, the part it was so important for him to understand.  She shifted her hands so his weren’t simply covering hers but so she could hold his.  “Of course you haven’t, you prat,” she said with affection in her voice that went at odds with her word choice.  “You haven’t and you won’t.  Friends argue, it’s part of the deal.  If you think Marlene and I haven’t had our rows, you don’t know anything.”  It didn’t happen often but when the two girls went at it, it was violent and hard.  Neither forgave easily but at the end of the day they always did.  “You just have to stick it out.  Past the fight.  It’s hard and it hurts but it’s worth it.  And if you need someone to talk to when things are rocky between you, talk to me.  Don’t disappear.  Promise me.”

He patience with him never ceased to amaze him. She’s spent hours before waiting for a single word out of him; not even James was that patient sometimes. “I didn’t think what I did was wrong…. Didn’t think it mattered so much….. but they’re all so….angry with me…..” Confusion splayed across his face, his brows knitting together. “My family was always angry, always telling me I was wrong when I wasn’t. But now my friends are angry and say I’m wrong…. Maybe I just….dunno how it works.” It made him feel like he was simple, to not understand these basic things, but he’d always been so unapologetic before about the things he did. Those who mattered most had always supported him. Now, however, he wasn’t sure. “If I was wrong, how do I make it right? If I didn’t mean for anythin’ bad to happen, but somethin’ did, does that mean I was wrong?” He shook his head, feeling like an absolute idiot. He’d never before faced a situation where things were so turbulent and he wanted to make it right, so he’d never tried. He grimaced slightly. “Can’t, Lils,” he told her quietly. “Can’t promise I’ll never leave….. Can only promise I’ll come back…..That good enough?”

It always tugged at Lily’s heart, how hard it was for Sirius to trust the way James and Remus and Peter - and she - loved him because of the way his family had always treated him.  It filled her with an unreasonable rage to think of how there were people so cold and terrible that they had beaten down someone like Sirius to the point that he no longer believed anyone could truly love him.  If she were ever given the opportunity to give the Blacks a piece of her mind, it would not be a pleasant experience.  “It means you made a mistake,” she said in answer to his jumbled question.  She didn’t understand where he was coming from, not knowing what had happened, but she tried to piece it all together as best she could.  She desperately wanted to ask for details but she sense they weren’t something Sirius wanted to share.  That was fine, she knew everyone had secrets.  “People make mistakes.  Say things and do things that are stupid and they don’t mean.  You’ve just got to - own it, I suppose.”  It was hard to dispense advice when one didn’t know the details but she hoped that would help.  “It’ll do for now,” she said with a bit of a smirk hiding in her smile.  “Though I don’t think Marlene will be so accommodating.  At least - let us know you’re still in one piece next time, yeah?”  

"But……" He wasn’t sure how to explain how he didn’t understand. He’d made plenty of mistakes before, or really just blatantly broken the rues. Maybe that was the difference. Every time he’d fucked things up before it had, more or less, been intentional. Making a mistake in class wasn’t the same; you could do it over, you could learn the right answer. But here? He couldn’t exactly do last summer over again, and he still didn’t know what he ought to have done differently either. He ran a hand back through his hair, chewing on the inside of his cheek for a moment. How was he supposed to explain? He thought he ought to at least try; she was being so patient that maybe she’d be able to work out what he meant. He hoped so, anyway. “I didn’t think mistakes could be fixed. I’m not trying to tell anyone I didn’t do it, I know what I did. But what I meant and what happened didn’t line up, and I don’t know if that means it’s my fault? And they think I meant something different than what I did, and if I were so awful as that then I’d be angry at me too. But I know they know me better than I know me sometimes, so maybe I did mean to be so awful and now I’m trying to not own it, you know? And I can’t work out which is which anymore after we spent all summer shouting about it to each other and I’m just fuckin’ confused, Lils.” He looked over at her and smiled rather apologetically. “I didn’t know what day it was half the time,” he admitted. “Got in to some heavy shit while I was gone. I have a hard time talkin’ normally, but when I get like that….” He shook his head. “I’ll try next time, but…..”

"No one can tell you what you meant but you," she said strongly, trying to piece together the details he’d given her into some sort of recognizable situation but there wasn’t much by way of a clear picture that came out of it.  And so she went by what she knew of Sirius, that he would never do something to intentionally hurt someone he cared about.  "You’ll work it out."  This she said with complete assurance, the details didn’t matter.  She’d never seen someone so sorry for something they’d done and if James and Remus couldn’t find their way past that, they were madder than she thought.  "Hand print on a carrier pigeon," she suggested with a comforting smile.  "That’s all I want.  Or next time I set Marlene loose on your arse."  

Sirius shook his head, the line between his brows getting darker and more defined. “I dunno, maybe? But what if I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to defend myself that I just don’t believe I’m that bad?” He didn’t think that was right, it didn’t feel right, so maybe Lily was on to something. He finally sighed and nodded at her words. He needed to believe this could be fixed, he had to. He couldn’t lose Remus, they were best friends. And he trusted Lily of all people to be honest with him, even when it would hurt, so he believed what she was saying. Sirius snorted at that. ”So she’ll stab me….and then jump my bones while I’m bleeding and half dead? Sounds horrifying~”

She shook her head without pause at the idea of Sirius actually being bad.  “Not possible,” she said with an easy conviction.  “I know you hate hearing it but you’re one of the better people in the world, Sirius.  You just - forget to think sometimes.”  Lily would easily bet her life that whatever had caused this row between Sirius, James, and Remus was the result of that, and she would just as easily bet that whatever he’d done, he’d not done trying to deliberately hurt the two people she gathered he cared about most in the world.  “It is terrifying,” she said with a remarkably straight face.  “Which is why I threaten you with it. Best odds of success.  And speaking of the blonde devil, she’s probably wondering if I’ve fallen off the train.  I was only supposed to be going to the bathroom.”

Sirius couldn’t help but smile a little when Lily was so quick to come to his defense. Before last year and again this summer, he never would have imagined it. They’d never been friends and he hadn’t thought it would ever happen. After the death of his mother, he’d been a mess and Lily had set aside their differences and helped him through it. He couldn’t explain it, and he’d likely never say it aloud, but wherever his mother had gone after her death, he was absolutely sure that she’d been the one to send Lily his way. He still wasn’t sure what to make of it, but after she’ d called on him this summer, he knew they were just meant to be friends. He laughed. “Oh absolutely. If anyone could take me down, it’d be Marley.” The look on his face when he talked about getting murdered by her was nothing short of dreamy. He snorted. “Well, girls are s’posed to take ages, aren’t you? Go on, then. She’s missed you, I bet. I’ll get my head on straight soon, Evans, don’t you worry.” He touched her cheek for a moment and his smile widened. “Go on, I’ll work it out. See you at the feast, yeah?”