#sir tech

iit actually took a whiile before ii fully gra2ped what he wa2 telliing me. there wa2 a lot of back and forth of hiim 2hariing detaiil2 and me thiinkiing iim fiilliing iin the blank2.

now ii wonder why ii wa2 diirected two thii2 nadiire. ii2 miine dead? ii2 he lookiing for me? do ii… leave two fiind hiim? ii… really don’t know iif ii could handle that agaiin. the traveliing ii mean. iit wa2 brutal what ii had two do and brutal 2tiill iin thii2 recovery.

you know that feeliing where youre 2o hyperfocu2ed on a goal but you diidnt plan for what happen2 after you reach iit?

yeah.

ii feel much liike a tiick two be hone2t. iit doe2nt feel faiir two hiim that he mourned and moved on but then ii 2how the fuck up and ruiin hii2 liife. maybe not that dramatiic but he2 been a wreck and iit2 my fault. ii want two do more two ea2e hii2 worriie2. he2 goiing two worry hiim2elf 2iick.

iim not 2tupiid enough two thiink there2 room for me after all thii2 tiime. agaiin he mourned and moved on before ii threw a wrench iin that 2hiit. iim not here two be a hiivewrecker eiither. ii re2pect he ha2 mate2 and ii re2pect he2 theiir2. iif he come2 and 2ay2 there2 room iid be 2hocked hone2tly but ii dont thiink that2 a priioriity for eiither of u2 riight now.

how do ii feel about nadiire? ii love hiim. hii2 touch 2top2 my pu2her and hii2 voiice fiill2 my 2kull. every tiime ii 2ee hiim iit2 liike falliing iin love agaiin. ii love hiim 2o deeply and dearly iit2 been my sole driive for 2tayiing aliive for eiight 2weep2. even iif ii could never have hiim how ii envii2iioned iit2 enough that iim on hii2 2hiip and can 2ee hiim every niight. he get2 two 2ay my name and hold my hand. ii can make hiim laugh or cry. ii get two experiience hii2 emotiion2 iin per2on. ii get two 2oak iin nadiire a2 a whole where ii couldnt before.

what ii want ii2 two 2tay iin hii2 liife iif iim allowed.

and ii pray ii am.