I am going to make long ass vulnerable post now and I remove it at my leisure but things are v v c v v vv v v overwhelming right now so i just need to put my thoights someehere and i need to focus on something and distract myself from the minefield that is my mind. I took today off to relax to breathe to find myself but its not really working out. Also please forgive any typos because my hands are shaky and frick rn so hopefully this helps
I don’t know where this year is taking me but its only april and my anxiety is terrible its getting so much worst it wasn’t this bad during Os period but it is so bad now i dont understand what is going on. I dont know how to stop my hands from shaking and how to stop feeling this way i dont know how to stop thinking this way and i dont know how to stop the voices in my head and i dont remember how to breathe sometimes so i am just left hyperventilating and clenching my hands trying to find my focus trying to find my center wishing everything would just stop. Im trying to get over him trying to forget him rn i want him in my life so badly it hurts// My old issues are back and boy and they back with a vengeance i don’t remember them being so bad before. I don’t want to be here and I dont know how to get the voices in my head to just shup up. I have a very strong desire to be held like not in a romantic sense but more of a I want someone to just sit with me while everything inside me hurts and i can do nothing but hate every part of me. I have no talents no skills i can only study and im not doing that very well i cannot help feeling im letting so many people down people who have so much faith in me who belive in me but I just feel like ive been such a dissapointment i am not meeting their expectations. Jc has been so hard i mean i knew it would be but no one no one told me and i did not know it would be this bad. It feels like its a battlefield out there and everyone has found their ally found their weapon but i have not. I cannot help but wish I was anything but alive i cannot help but wish i was anywhere but here.
And I’m trying to hold onto the faith to trust God but in the magnitude of the trails i don’t know how. God teach me to hold onto You. God be here because I need You
