Recently, I listened to Co-dependant No More. I grew up with an alcoholic father, hence my co-dependency. Whom also physically abused my brothers and sister and I. He has since changed and I'm grateful for that. But the long term damage, that I need to take responsibility of as an adult and grow and let go of is, very much alive. I read the book, as I'm getting out of a relationship, where I, yet again, felt the need to give myself to my partner in a way that was unhealthy for both of us! I don't blame him for leaving, just the way he did it was super fucked up! It was the day I got back from burying my grams. He packed all of his stuff and told me, the second I walked through the door. Very cowardly in my opinion. Anyways, it is what it is. I listened to the book and it opened my eyes, I am co-dependant.

The ongoing fear of something always going wrong, the constant search of what is my partner doing wrong, and what can I do to take better care of him and then I grew resentful. I wanted to push him away, I didn't want to be intimate with him, although I would force myself to make him happy. He never forced me, let's get that straight, but I forced myself to please him. That was my life, pleasing my partner.

I woke up yesterday and cancelled plans that him and I had. We have been still seeing each other weekly since he left and having sex! I was and still am pretty messed up over it. I thought I could mentally handle it, but I can't and I shouldn't. It's not healthy, I was good enough for sex, but not good enough for a relationship. He wanted to still keep me, while he worked on himself, but that entailed not saying I love you, treating me like I was disposable and making me feel so gross and used! And I, for a bit was okay with it! The hope of him coming back home kept me motivated to keep on going with it. If he truly cared, he would have not behaved as he did. Deep down, I feel like he knew what he was doing with my emotions and feelings, and that is unhealthy. It felt good saying no to him, sticking up for myself and trying my hardest to move on.

I have to stop worrying about him and what I can do to help him and start worrying about how I can help myself and my family! For too long I out too much emphasis on my partner and their needs!

Today is the second day of worrying about what I want, and damnit I want to get my house clean, the way I like it, cook what I want for supper, go to town whenever I please, hang out, call and make plans with whomever I want! And not feel guilty about any of it!

My second momma is my daughter's grandmother. Her father has fought addiction almost his entire adult life. Anyways, my second momma, Gayle, has always been in my life since before my daughter Mya Rosie was born. Mya is now 12. We have definitely been a team, Gayle and I. Although her son and I aren't together, we have remained close, she has been a main component of my children's village, her and Mike, her husband. I am forever grateful for them both. She has been an amazing friend, and support system, not only for my children but for myself too.

She showed up today, helped the kids and I organize the garage, gave me the biggest best hug when I needed it the most and the best pep talk. She was a single mom too at one point in time. She's a tough woman, very straight forward, to the point and I love it! I'm grateful my kids get to have her in their lives. My baby girl Mya, is definitely her grandchild. Tough, to the point and definitely doesn't take anyone's shit!

I am ending my evening with a slumber party in the living room, hot cocoa, and Christmas movies with my daughter's, second momma, and my baby son. I have so much to be grateful for and today, more than most days, I am feeling that.

Today, was filled with lots of laughter, love, good food and good feelings. I love my home full, alive and happy.

My momma and her baby came home tonight, it made the evening all the much better! My life has changed so much in the last few weeks, but I am loving the change. At first, it was difficult, and one day momma and baby blessed me with their presence. The creator was definitely looking out for me. They walked into my life at just the right moment. I think I needed them, more than they needed me. I feel like I still do! The extra love both of them bring into our home, this is now their home too, is outstanding. I will forever have a connection with the two of them. They are marked family, forever!