#sin vector

For such a long time, I was clinging to the idea that we were pulled apart because of unfair external circumstances. But now, in hindsight, I realise that those external circumstances only exacerbate our own already-there problems. Ones that we held deep inside and didn’t want the other person to know.

Perhaps, if we had been given enough time, we could have worked it out. But unfortunately, it wasn’t up to us to decide.

That flood was so cruel. The waves carried you away, while I stayed.

Even though I still don’t know everything about you and how you feel (and I might never will), I just want to say…

I see your pains. I see your trauma. I might not know exactly what they are, and what caused them, but I see them.

I see how much physical pain and financial stress you were in. I see how much pressure that you were under. I see how much responsibility that you had to bear on your shoulders…

I wish that I could help you shoulder those burdens. I wish that I could help you, support you, continue making you feel happy and enjoy life…

I still think of your wellbeing every day.

I still want to reach out to you so much, not to wax poetic, but just to ask you:

Are you okay? Are you safe and sound? Is your family safe and sound? Has the flood finally ended? Are you healthy? Are you still having physical pain?

Is your work treating you well? Are people in your life right now treating you well?

I still miss you. So much.

I am sorry, and I take accountability for my repeated boundary crossing after our break up, while at the same time giving myself grace for having made my decisions as a grieving anxious person in so much distress and pain over losing someone who meant the world to me.

I am on my journey to heal my own anxious attachment wounds.

I just want you to know,

Even if I never hear from you again, I will still think of your wellbeing, your stability, and your health.