"Boys don't cry."
(Ticci Toby!×Eyeless Jack!)
(Sidenote:I usually draw, not write ships so it prolly bad eughhh- anywayyy! Transmasc! Toby×Eyeless Jack. And also,I might have not written Toby's tics properly im sorry,i tried researching)
Tw:mentione of self h4rm,cutting,slightlyyyyy suggestive,extreme nail biting,overall just taking a look into dark fiction i guess.
{Self h4rm should not,and will not be romantisized.And remember,this is NOT supposed to encourage harmful behaviours!!!!}
[Creator warning:I just wanna say,this would probably be seen as fucked up fiction,but it's all from my mind so I apologizeeee]
It was a rainy night,Toby had came back from yet another mission. Feeling of adrenaline long gone,leaving profound sense of emptiness. If he was there just to finish missions,that meantnif he screwed up it meant he screwed up his own purpouse,sensation of pain was a foreign concept to him,closest to physical pain he could feel was emotional pain. So,he wanted a bit of that,right...
He slightly sulked his shoulders as he was climbing up the stairs,he got to his assigned room and just fell onto the bed,facefirst onto matress. He had no friends so far,people saw him as too chaotic,too hyperactive,and he wasn't gonna argue with that,he could be a rascal sometimes. He layed there,face in matress, trying to see if he could finally try to sleep,or if this was yet another one of the sleepless nights he had experienced in his time at this god forsaken mansion.
As he realized sleep wasn't happy to get to him,he sat up,staring blankly at the wall,all he could think of was whether or not he was dying inside. He hadn't slept for three days,he knew he should,but everytime he did,he'd remember faces,the ones he didn't remember,and that was haunting him. He could feel his own guilt catching up to him,he wanted to properly take care of himself,but it wasn't as easy, all he wanted was to finally aknowledge his own existance without questioning how or why he dreams unknown faces.
After about thirty minutes of staring at the blank wall,he decided he should probabpy pay a visit to the medic,Jack was only one who would try to tell him how to do stuff,when to eat,how to keep up with a sleep schedule and other stuff he didn't inhertly have energy to do,everything felt heavy,his limbs,his mind and thoughts. So with a heavy heart he got up and got to the basement where medic room was,he entered,trying to be as enthuasthic as always.
"Hhey Jac-ck!"
He called out,half hoping for as equally nice response,but there was just silence,then,Kack turned around from an examination table he was now cleaning.
"You're late for a checkup."
Jack muttered,words tasting like ash in his mouth. He couldn't deny it,he wanted to be close to Toby,to help him deal with eveeything,but he knew better than to fall in love with someone from the servants. That was a dangerous gamble between heart and the mind,relationships meant weakness,and weakness meant replacement by B∅ss. As Toby sat ontonthe examination table,Jack first startec checking for a visible gain of weight that he reccomended,of Toby wanted to do missions good,he had to eat more to keep energy. He might not be tired,but his body was. Jack just kept going on with the checkup,looking for any fatal wounds,then he saw it,a small scratch on Toby's palm,most would assume it was from a fight,but Jack knew diffrence between a cut from someone else's weapon and a razor,he just tilted his head to side before raising it as if to look Toby in the eyes.
"Why did you do that?"
He asked,he wanted to help Toby,not ignore his struggle.
*And before you start,I know it was intentional,I'm a medic,Toby, not a fool."
He added before waiting for a response. Rhen Toby looked down at Jack,behind those brown eyes was a hint of guilt,like a child beong caught doing something they knew was bad but still did it. Then he spoke
"I j-just wanted- wanted to feel- feel something-g."
He amswered,it was truthful if anything,when a guy doesn't know how something feels,he'll want to experience it. Even if he knows it's bad for him.
Jack just shook his head,as if saying 'well dont do it again',before he took a clear alcoholic wipe and wiped the cut clean,then took some sterile bandages and wrapped them around the cut,then spoke up again.
"Just don't do it again,I don't need Boss yelling at me how I let you bleed out."
He said,but it was clear,behind that cold tone,and harsh excuses was genuine worry and affection,it was rare for someone like Jack to reveal even a bit of their feelings,much less to a patient.
After the checkup,Jack was supposed to tell Toby results,so he gathered the check up tools and set them back to their places before speaking
"You know,the results are better than last time,you are actually trying now,aren't you. It's a good thing,you want to help yourself even if it's hard. That's proof that you're stronger than you think,Toby."
Jack muttered,there was clear affection behind those words,Toby couldn't piece it together,was Jack...proud of him?... But why would he be,it's just some progress,it isn't anything too huge worth of such calming words. Toby felt genuielu confused so he decided to ask.
"Why- Why do you you talk like you you you care-re."
He asked,looking confused,his head tilting to side on confusion,he felt...nice? When he hesrd Jack speak so softly to him,it felt almost...romantic.
Before Toby could ask more questions,Jack cleared his throat.
"I just value keeping the lives of my patients up,Boss would be pissed if you pass out in middle of mission. I'm doing this for both of us,alright?"
He said,brushing off affection as 'value' was clear as day. He wasn't as slick as he thought he was. Toby,on other hand, just nodded quietly,he felt flustered... After a good few minutes of uncomfortable silence,Toby got up and walked upstairs,heading to his room. As he got to his room,he was thinking a million thoughts 'Does he like me?' 'Can two guys be together???' 'Do I like him-' 'Are we made for each other?...' He thought all to himself,terrified he might have misundsrstood something. He was never taught what being in love felt like,so he didn't have any experience. As he paced around his room,he sat onto floor,knees to his chest,staring at blank wall again. He was wondering a hundred things at same time.
As next day rolled around,Toby found himself in his room again,picking up the razor and thinking whether or not second try might work. He wanted to feel something,something close to pain,but as he drifted into thoughts,he found himself dropping the razor,wondering if it's even worth it. He should go out there and confess to Jack,not sit all alone and wonder.
But after all,he was shy. He didn't have enough courage to confess to someone he felt like might reject him,or worse,mock him. He found himself biting his nails,but he bit too hard. The white skin under the nail began bleeding,but it shouldn't be bleeding that much should it?... He should probably go see the medic,aka love of his life.
After a few minutes,he climbed down to the basement and got to medic room before calling out.
"Jack? I bit- bit bit my nail a bit hard hard-"
He said,then Jack turned to face him,his expression unreadable under the mask. He just nodded and walked over to one of cabinets with medicins,taking out a bandaid. The cut under the nail wasn't huge,but still should be cleaned.
After Jack cleaned up the cut and put a bandaod over it,he found himself sitting a bit too close to Toby,he didn't back away just yet..
He wasn't big on relationships or physical touch,but it felt diffrent with Toby. He was chaotic,loud and blunt. That's what made him special,he would always show his best even at his worst. But as he wanted to move closer,Toby spoke up.
"J-Jack Jack-? Why are you you- you sitting so close to to to- me?"
Toby asked,his voice laced with genuine confusion. Jack usually wouldn't stand close to someone unless needed. But as Toby was about to keep talking,Jack cut him off.
"It's nothing,I was just making sure you're alright."
Jack said,it was a lukewarm lie to keep his feelings from being shown. As he got up,he duated himself off.
"You should probably go before Boss comes looking for you."
Jack added,he wanted to end this conversation before he said something dumb and way too feel-ish for a stoic medic. But as Toby got up,he felt a prickling sense of need to confess,so he spoke.
"Jack,I really like like- like you-you. As in in- romantic way way."
He said,air in room was as cold as the freezer in the kitchen of the mansion,only sound the heartbeat of both of them. Then,Jack spoke.
"Oh...well,I dont think I see you the same way...It's not you,alright. I just,I don't think I could ever love a human. Having to worry if I accidentaly hurt them,my job is to heal,not hurt. I apologize. But on other hand, maybe in another life."
As Jack said that,it was clear Toby's eyes were glossy and teary. He looked...heartbroken,he wanted to say it was just a joke but he couldn't bring himself to lie to someone he loved. So,without another word,Toby left the room,heading back to his own. Locking the door and sitting limply on the floor,staring at the ceiling and trying to keep tears from spilling. He had already added new set of cuts to his arm,in hope to feel something.
'Stop being so difficult,boys don't cry,Toby...' He thought to himself,he wanted to keep tears away,but they kept falling like waterfalls,as he stood up,he heard a knock on the door, he unlocked it and opened. There was Jack,looking down.
"I wanted to apologize for my...harsh words earlier today,Tobias. I actually didn't mean I would never love a human,It was just a way of defense against feelings."
As Jack said that,he notices new scars on Toby's arm,grabbing him by the arm and inspecting the scars before he kept talking.
"You really have to stop trying to feel pain,Toby. It always starts with one or two cuts,then ends up with fire. Let me take care of them,c'mere."
Jack said,sitting onto the bed,Toby on his lap,their chests touching as Jack kept cleaning the cuts,before Jack could say out yet another scolding sentence with good intentions,Toby already took off Jack's mask,and kissed him on the lips. That caught Jack off suprise,but he didn't retreat,instead,he kissed back. There they sat,together. Two proxies just trying to survive in a house full of horrors,it wasn't perfect,but it was enough.
