#sibling hate

As Shams said: every human is capable of murdering someone

(2/2) him because I hate him so much. I get really mad at him for doing really small things that I do to him all the time. Even when he's not doing anything bad, I just hate the thought of him existing. I never tell him this, but sometimes I wish he was dead. Sometimes I imagine scenarios where he kills himself and I don't even care. Thinking about it makes me afraid for myself and my sanity. I don't treat anybody else like this and I don't know what might happen of it. Help?

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Hey-thanks for asking. It sounds like despite the upper handyou now have, you are still suffering. Do you remember ever learning Hitlersaid something to the effect, ‘Give me your children until they are seven…’because he knew these were the most formative years. You spent those yearsunder your brother’s thumb. When you gained the control, you did what he did.Bullied.  Now, for some reason you can’tlet that go. Is it that you’re afraid there are only two choices? Bully or bebullied? I think you’re old enough now to know that’s not true but yourthoughts are preprogrammed. When my sister, who treated me horribly when I wasyoung and well into adulthood, became ill, I actually was surprised that takingcare of her put me in the driver seat for the first time. And, I felt goodabout myself that I had let go of all my rotten grudges. The battle was finallyover. Are we friends today? No. I limit my interaction because she is a bittoxic but I don’t hate her or care one way or the other if she speak badly ofme. I’ve just accepted her and go on with my life which is about me, not herand me. I think you can do the same.

The mature thing is to move past everything that hashappened so far. His transgressions and yours. Since he is having mental healthissues, you don’t know what could trigger him. Try to imagine hating every cellin your body, every word that comes out of your mouth, and every action youtake, and all the reactions you get from others. You can feel a black blobswirling within you and taking over your soul. How awful, right? That meansgetting out of bed is an accomplishment. Going through the day is a nearmiracle.

You said you don’t feel this hatred toward anyone else. Youhave compassion. Your brother isn’t even that same person that bullied you. Youare the one trapped in old feelings. You can test yourself. Read online abouthow your brother must be feeling. Read about how you can support him. Then, oneday soon, simply say, “I’m sorry you are feeling this way.” See how good itmakes you feel. No matter how he reacts to it, good or bad or indifferent, youwill feel refreshed. You grew to a better place on our journey of life.

Just as the toxic words you exchanged in younger years wereso damaging, self-talk is very powerful. It can reshape you for better orworse. You keep saying the same things to yourself and, frankly, their nasty.You know this, that’s why you submitted your story and question. Start tellingyourself new things. I’m a good person. My bad times with my brother are over.He needs help. I can grow and change in good ways. He’s not so bad. He’sdifferent than me but not so bad.

Keep in mind that often reprogramming thoughts need the helpof a mental health professional. Not long-term. Just a few visits to get you onthe right path. We are not mental health professionals here so, if this doesn’timprove soon, I think it would be great for you to sit with someone you cantalk in person with about how you’re feeling. You have nothing to be ashamedof. You have a bad history you’re dealing with and some guidance could reallybe helpful.

Wishing you warmth and happiness-