#shuffledalec

Alec was still mortified about the conversation he had just had with Erica. When he went to her for... advice, he should have expected to receive way more detail than he would have imagined. Without even paying attention where exactly he was going, he suddenly found himself in front of Max' door. Alec hesitated for a short moment before knocking on the door. Max was calm. Max would probably be okay with him low-key freaking out. Good. Yes.

Max looked up when the door went, and didn't bother with the brace as Shadow bounced over, knowing that she wouldn't be as excited as she was if the one at the door was someone she didn't trust. As such, he made his way to the door, crutch in hand and Shadow barking excitedly. He looked through the peephole. Alec. Uh. A very...pink Alec. Max shared a confused look with Shadow and opened the door, standing aside to let him in. "-- Uh?" he asked.

Alec blushed an even deeper shade of red as he glanced at Max. "Uh. Hi? Can I, uh, maybe... come in? And possibly get some water? My throat is, uh, dry." And as he just had learned, dry was not good. The wetter the better or something like that.

Max raised an eyebrow but decided not to comment. "-- Go ahead?" It kind of came out as a question and Max made his way back over to the couch in the meantime, because he trusted Alec to close the door and get his own water, and, well...frankly, if the kid wanted to talk about whatever happened, he wouldn't do so with being nagged about it.

Alec nodded in gratitude before closing the door behind him and walking into the kitchen to get a glass, fill it with tap water, down it and fill it right up again. This time, he followed Max to the couch and let himself sink down next to him. "Thanks." He said, setting the glass down. "I, uh, really needed that."

Max shook his head, Shadow hopping up onto the couch between the two and Max turning a little to pet her. "-- 'Salright. Need water to live." Alec seemed to be marginally less...pink. He still didn't comment, though.

Alec nodded. "Yeah, that's true." He leaned back in the seat and took a deep breath. "So, I just, uh, was at a friend's place." He started, the heat rising in his cheeks again. "And, uhm, I am a bit... overwhelmed, I guess." How was he going to breach the topic with Max? Suddenly, it didn't seem like a good idea anymore. What if it would just get awkward between the two of them? But... he needed someone's insight who wasn't as... expressive. "We talked about sex." There. That wasn't so hard. Right. It also was not embarrassing. It was normal. Absolutely fine.

Max ...was not expecting that. But frankly, he was...weirdly unsurprised by this, though not entirely expecting it. If that made sense. He continued to pet Shadow, unfazed by the words, in true Dad Fashion™. "-- Alright," he said. "-- Guess it can be overwhelming." He hesitated. "-- I uh...cried the first time. Not for uh...any bad thing, just...that's alright." And he raised a shoulder, and continued to pet Shadow, because if Alec wanted to keep talking, he could.

Alec perked up at that, looking at Max with slightly widened eyes. "You, uh... that was okay? I mean, wasn't it weird?" He tried to imagine getting ​there​ with Magnus and the thought alone of what could possibly go wrong or what his own reaction could be? A small shudder ran through him. "I... I don't think I'd want to, uh, mess up anything. Especially since... uh, he's... he has a lot more experience."

Max looked over at Alec with a simple look of, well, simplicity in his eyes, with just a tinge of nostalgic loss, but the corner of his mouth quirked up though his heart ached. He continued to pet Shadow, smooth, rhythmic strokes against her back. "-- Why would it be weird?" he posed. "-- Actively wanting to not mess anything up means you probably won't. Experience is bollocks, you can be the most sexually active person in the world and still not know what the fuck you're doing. All you need to do is pay attention, and if he cares about you, he'll do the same."

Alec blinked at that. He hadn't really taken that into consideration. "I... doubt he doesn't know what he's doing though." What with his centuries of experience. And probably an equal amount of past lovers. Which... was weird to think about. "I mean, he always seems really confident in everything he does though ... he uses his confidence as a mask sometimes, so I... don't really know." He paused for a short moment. "I just, I want him to feel good? Even though... I don't even know where we stand but, I want to, you know, take it ​further​ eventually and I'm twenty and I have no clue what I'm doing. I never have been in any similar situation before and never had to worry about any of this and I... I really don't know what I'm doing and talking to Erica it just... I mean, there is ​so much​ I need to think of and consider and what if I mess up? What if I forget something? Or what if I'm not doing it right? What if I'm too clumsy for him to be enjoying anything?" While Alec was rambling on, he felt the traitorous heat in his neck again. "I just don't want him to regret that he's followed me here. And... did I mention that I really don't know what I'm doing?"

Max nodded as Alec spoke, considering his words carefully. He was silent for a long moment, save for a small hum, his brow slightly furrowed as he thought on how to parse a response. Eventually, he spoke. "-- That's alright. Nobody does. Not until they know what they like. It's like anything else; you don't know what you're doing 'til you learn how to do it. Mistakes get made, that's alright. Just as long as you're comfortable enough with your partner to tell him if he fucks up, and fix it if you do. It's gonna be messy, and it might feel awkward if you think too hard about it, but as long as you communicate and remember the reason you're doing it, it'll be alright. The whole point's just...being close to each other. Yeah? So just do that. You don't need to push yourself for him, and he doesn't need to push himself for you. Just be yourself. That's who you want to be when you have sex with him, right? Just...you? No pretences, just...being with the one you care about."

Alec just... stared at Max for a long moment. Being himself? He never really had thought about being ​himself​ around Magnus. Or almost anyone. It was always: Shadowhunter Alec, Disappointment to the family Alec, Older brother Alec, friend Alec, stoic Alec... "I... uh," he started, not sure how to continue what he was going to say. What he ​wanted​ to say. He didn't even know what he was thinking. "I, uh, I like being with him," he admitted. "And I... trust him. With me. With this. Whatever ​this​ is going to be." If only he'd be able to tell Magnus himself. "I would never want to push him into anything he wouldn't want. And I... I like the idea of being close to him, of being with ​him​ ... getting to know him." Alec flushed while he continued talking. "I just, the thing about just being myself? I... don't think I can do that. I'm not sure he'd like what he'd see and, uh, he's just so..." He made a vague movement with his hand, "... and I'm just ​this​ ." Alec shrugged slightly and sighed. "I just want this... thing to be good for him."

Max let out a quiet 'hm' in response. But what he wanted to say was simple, and important, and Alec needed to hear it. "-- Listen. If he needs you to be anything other than who you are in order to be with you, you don't need that in your life. All it'd do is hurt you, more than the alternative. I know it's hard, but sometimes you need to let people know you, the real you, and if they give a shit, that's all they'll need. If he likes you, he likes you. Bad sex isn't going to change that."

Alec flushed again and nodded slowly. "You, uh, you're really good at this."

Max smiled a little sadly at that. "-- You uh...pick up a few things."

Alec hummed at that. "I guess. You're good at picking up things then." He paused, taking the glass of water and taking a gulp - all the talking had made his throat dry again. "Thanks."

Max 's eyebrows drew together, just a little. "-- S'alright," he said, a little quieter as he turned his eyes onto Shadow, stroking her back. "-- Hope it helped. If uh...you need anything else, just shout, yeah?"

Alec took a deep breath, feeling a lot calmer - and less mortified than he had before. "It helped, yes. I, I might take you up on that offer."

Max nodded. "-- ...I mean it. It's not embarrassing. It's normal. And it's alright to ask. I uh...I'd rather you asked someone who gives a shit about you than look it up and get a bunch of conflicting responses."

Alec 's lips quirked up into a small, honest smile. "That really means a lot. It's still embarrassing but I'll live."

Max shook his head, offering his own small smile, though his own was tinged with something he couldn't quite name. "-- It's not. Everyone starts somewhere. I uh...there was one...alright." Max shifted his gaze so he wasn't looking at his dog, but spoke with no shame despite the...twinge to his chest; "-- My first girlfriend and my first time, she got her period. Blood everywhere. Freaked me out so bad I broke my nose on her nightstand. She was yelling 'cause my nose was bleeding, I was yelling 'cause our privates were covered in blood, her mum opened the door to see what all the fuss was about and lost her shit laughing at us before she just closed the door and walked away. ...A year later we were married. It's uh...it's not embarrassing. Things happen. Or uh...don't."

Alec 's eyes widened and he fought the urge to flinch again. "That... sounds like a nightmare." This was certainly a moment where he was glad that this was something he would not have to deal with as he was gay. Capital G gay. Slowly, the rest of what Max said became clear. "Married?" Alec tilted his head slightly. "You're married?" He wondered where Max' wife was - possibly in the place where the other came from in the first place. Maybe he could speak with Magnus and find out if there was a way to bring her here.

Max let out a slight huff of air through his nose, not quite a laugh but certainly not a sigh, the corner of his lip quirked up in a lil', kind of sad smile. At the time it had certainly seemed like it. Hell, he'd been running from those memories for so long that it almost still seemed like it. But...here, on the couch, with Shadow at his side and Alec on the other end of the couch, it just... Running didn't seem quite so appealing. Not anymore. He was too old to run. So, he inhaled, and he corrected the kid, matter-of-fact and but no small amount of 'listen-I've-never-actually-talked-about-this-before' in his tone; "-- Was. She died. With...our son." His eyes flickered over to him, just for a moment. "-- We were younger than you...but it doesn't make it any less real."

Alec froze at that information. While it was almost standard that Shadowhunters died an early death, one of the few things he knew about other species was that it wasn't as common. If Max would have been a fellow Nephilim, Alec would have known how to react but now? Biting his lip, he looked Max in the eyes with a serious expression. "I would have never thought that what you had would have been any less real." He paused for a short moment, taking a deep breath. "Where I'm from... the people... My... culture... I guess you can say. It is normal for us to get married early, to have children young... to die young." Another pause. "Which doesn't mean it makes death easier. I think what I want to say is, I can't possibly completely relate to your situation, but I have an idea."

Max frowned at Alec's words, knowing what it was to be in a world where living fast and dying young was a pervasive reality. He'd been on the outside at that point, and that was the way that he liked it, but...he knew what it meant. So he nodded and was silent for a long moment. Eventually, "-- You're a good kid."

Alec scoffed slightly at Max' words - it was a sound he hadn't meant to let out. "You're a good one, too."

Max didn't comment on the scoff, because he wasn't going to draw attention to it if he didn't have to. That wasn't his parenting style. Gotta let the kids live. "-- Bit old for that, kid. D'you uh...is there...anything else you...want to ask or talk about or...something?"

Alec shrugged, "You're never too old to be a good one." At the question, Alec hesitated. "I, uh, I think I'm mortified enough still about the original reason why I came here. But... if you, uhm, want to talk about your wife and son? I'd like to hear about them unless you don't want to talk."

Max hesitated, his shoulder tensing up a little. He'd never been asked about them before. Not ever. Though to be fair he'd never actually...told anybody...about them. Max returned his attention to Shadow, massaging her with both hands now as he let out a quiet 'hm' noise. "-- ...Jessie. Her name was Jessie. And...Sprog. We uh...never named him. Not properly. Too much uh..." Death. Fire. Destruction. Pain. "-- ...Apocalypse. For that."

Alec listened intently while Max was speaking. At first he wanted to ask more about Jessie and Sprog but then... "Apocalypse?!"

Max nodded. Right. Of course. "-- There were a couple. I'm not from here."

Alec blinked slowly. "I... get that. So where are you from? I haven't heard of any... apocalypses."

Max responded simply, "-- Australia."

Alec was even more confused. "Australia."

Max nodded.

Alec scrunched his eyes. "There were no apocalypses in Australia. At least none that I know of and I think that is something that everyone would know about?"

Max raised a shoulder. "-- Not yet."

Alec groaned. "So not only do we have people from different planets but also different times?" That just sounded like an accident waiting to happen. "What time are you from?"

Max let out an 'eh' noise because yep, different planets and different times. Sounded about right. Best to just go with it. "-- Dunno. Can't remember. Been a while since they stopped making calendars."

Alec nodded. "Okay. Tell me more about your time then?"

Max 's expression darkened. But he'd asked. And he wasn't running. Not from this. Not anymore. "-- Fire and blood. Nothing grew. The earth was sour. Water gone. Just...wasteland. Just...engines and metal and... Bullets and parts were currency. And...people. 'Specially after the radiation. Everything just...broke. And kept getting worse. Didn't matter how far you drove, the wasteland still got you. All anyone could do is survive."

Alec paled slightly. This... explained a lot on how he perceived Max. "Sounds awful." He said, not quite sure how else to respond. "Do you have an idea how you got here?"

Max shrugged, not addressing the 'sounds awful' part of things. "-- World turned sideways. Hit the ground."

Alec hummed. "I know a lot from what you know is different here but... do you like it here? Or do you wish you could go back?" After a short pause, Alec flushed and added hastily. "I feel like I'm interviewing you. I'm not. I just... want to know more."

Max shook his head at the added words, and focused his attention on Shadow, rubbing her belly. "-- 'Salright. Not like I'm actively hiding it. ...There's soft things, green, and dogs. It's a good different."

Alec smiled softly as he thought of how fond he himself had grown of Stella. "Dogs are good. They are always trying to make you feel better and loved." He shrugged, "At least that's what I have been told."

Max nodded. Dogs were good. They were very definitely good. But he didn't say anything to confirm it, just let his eyes flicker across to the kid, mulling over the things that had been said during this conversation. Eventually he spoke, choosing his words carefully. "-- ...Hm. Being soft...in a world that demands strength...it takes strength. Dogs make that easier."

Alec tilted his head while Max spoke and turned his glance to Shadow. He nodded. "I suppose you're right."

Max continued to rub Shadow's belly. "-- So that's all we can do."

Alec nodded and let himself sink deeper into the couch. "I guess." His throat was feeling slightly dry again but Alec could not be bothered to grab his glass, so instead he rolled his shoulders and turned slightly, so that he was still facing Max. "I still need to learn how to do that."

Max glanced across at Alec but didn't comment on the motions, instead continuing to pet the pupper. "-- ...It uh...takes some getting used to. But it's worth it."

Alec took a deep breath, held it for a moment and slowly let it out again. "I can imagine. It might take longer for me." Alec knew himself and how hard it was for him to change his ways. "But I'm sure I'll get there eventually." A pause. "How long did it take you?"

Max nodded. It did take a while. But the thing was...he actually had no idea. The concept of time had...kind of slipped away from him after years of running. So his expression twisted, a little apologetic, but mostly just...frowny. "-- No idea. Can't remember. Long time, though. It's just...you don't have to be...fluffy jumpers and...ice cream. It's just...being okay with the little things. And...letting yourself help people when you know it's uh...not in your best interest. 'Specially when it's the...hm...right thing."

Alec cast his eyes towards Shadow while listening to Max. At the 'fluffy jumpers' mention, he glanced at a hole in his sweater and sighed softly. This whole soft thing would probably be harder than expected. When he thought about it, kissing Magnus in front of everyone - while not having been in his own best interest - it had also not purely been for Magnus. It had been a statement from himself to everyone else. Furthermore, the fact that he kept saving others was also not just purely for the people - unless it was Jace or Izzy... and recently a couple more - but to prove himself as a quality Shadowhunter to his parents. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought.

Max glanced back across at Alec. He wasn't saying much. Or anything. ... Welp. "-- When uh...I first started...running. After...Jessie. There was this woman. She was trying to break into a car where a bloke was holding his daughter. I shot her in the head and took the gasoline from the car. Left them the food, though. ...Dunno what happened to 'em. It's...hard...to come back from that. But sometimes...when you feel like you should probably fuck someone over for...any reason...when you're thrown into Thunderdome...you can just...let them be. Just walk away. You don't...have to... I don't fucking know. You're a kid. You've got time."

Alec shook his head slightly to get his concentration back on Max. "I don't feel like I have time." He replied with a slight helpless shrug. When Max' words echoed in his mind, he scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. "Thunderdome?"

Max frowned. "-- Then you make it fit the time you've got." The words were deliberate, and he spoke them without hesitation, and he contemplated how best to answer the question, because that one had given him pause. He hadn't exactly...meant to bring up Thunderdome. But it might get Alec's mind off of the issue of his own mortality and subsequent dilemmas. "-- ...It's uh...cage match. Two men enter. One man leaves. No rules. Use whatever you get your hands on. You uh...get strapped into bungee cords. Makes it harder. More of a show for everyone else. They can pass you shit to use, if they like you. Flares. Knives. Only rule is two men enter but only one of 'em gets to walk out alive."

Alec listened intently, trying not to show his confusion too much. "Who decides who's going to go into this Thunderdome?"

Max focused most of his attention on Shadow. "-- Volunteer. Sometimes for prizes. Sometimes to settle arguments. Keeps brawls and damage down."

Alec nodded slowly. "Did it really help though? Or well, ​is​ it going to help?"

Max shook his head. "-- Just as corrupt as anything else. Only way you walked out was by fucking everyone else over."

Alec kept his eyes on Max. "Sounds horrible." He inwardly cursed. Of course it was horrible.

Max let out a little huff of laughter. "-- One way of putting it."

Alec shrugged, slightly embarrassed. "I'm not really good at... phrasing things." In fact, he was surprised how easy it had been to talk to Max so far. Usually, he had a hard time putting into words what he thought. It had always been a problem, one, that he wasn't sure how to fix.

Max raised a shoulder, returning his attention to Shadow as he petted her. "-- 'Salright. Me neither."

Alec chuckled softly at that. "Guess that makes us a great combination then."

Max shrugged a little. "-- Does, actually. Means uh...used to it. Don't have to...fuck around."

Alec nodded. "Exactly." He let out a small sigh before finally reaching for his glass of water and taking a sip. "Thank you. Really." He said as he put the glass back down. "Talking to you... it helps."

Max continued to pet Shadow, a slight tightness to his brow. "-- ...I'm just glad that uh...it does."

Alec glanced at Max, noticing the slight tenseness in the other. "It does." A pause. "You alright?"

Max nodded and sighed, Shadow stretching out on the couch with her head in his lap and her butt in Alec's, Max rubbing beneath her chin. "-- Just...hm."

Alec started scratching Shadow's hindlegs. "Hm?"

Max didn't stop his ministrations on Shadow's underjaw. "-- ...Never thought that...this. ...Hm. 'Shard to uh...hm."

Alec also concentrated on petting the parts of Shadow he could easily reach. "Never thought what?"

Max frowned. His words were simple, "-- ...My son's dead, Alec."

Alec froze and bit his lip. "Yes." What was he supposed to say to that? "You mentioned." By the angel, Alec, get a grip. "It must be rough for you."

Max shrugged. "-- Long time ago."

Alec shrugged. "Doesn't mean it's any easier."

Max shook his head. "-- No. It doesn't."

Alec took a deep breath and slowly put his free hand on Max' shoulder. "If you ever need to talk, you know, I'm here."

Max saw the hand-on-the-shoulder coming and so did not startle at it, but also did not really react in any other way to it other than continuing to pet Shadow. "-- ...Thanks, kid. 'Salright, though. 'Snot on you, it's different for...parents. Fuck, if that makes sense."

Alec squeezed the shoulder softly before letting go again. "I can only imagine but yes, it does make sense. I mean, I don't think it quite compares but my youngest brother... he's nine years old and I have been there since he was born. I am seeing him grow up. I am taking care of him when my parents can't which... is more often than I would like. If anything were to happen to him..." Alec shuddered, not wanting to finish that thought. "Anyway. Sorry. I got a bit sidetracked. What I wanted to say is, I might not exactly know how you feel but I can relate on some level, I guess."

Max nodded, but did frown at the general concept of Alec's parents. He was firmly of the opinion that parents made the decision to have a child, regardless of how that child came into existence. The child did not decide to have parents. If the parents did not look after that child, they were bad parents. "-- 'Salright. I get what you mean. You just...you never think you'll have to bury your kid."

Alec nodded. "I can imagine." Just like he would hopefully never have to bury his little brother but unfortunately that wasn't a given with the lifes they led. "I'm... glad though that you're hanging in there."

Max deadpanned, "-- I didn't. I cuffed the guy that did it to a car I knew was gonna explode, handed him a saw, and told him he could either take longer to hack through the chain or shorter to get through his ankle. The car was gonna blow before he got through either, and I just drove away. I didn't hang in there."

Alec raised his eyebrows slightly and tilted his head to the side. "You have a point."

Max shrugged a shoulder, continuing to pet Shadow. "-- I don't regret it."

Alec nodded, again. "Honestly? Neither would I. He deserved what he had coming."

Max 'hm'd. His face basically did :/ "-- ...Not all of them did, though."

Alec tilted his head as he thought for a moment. "You mean the ones in the car?"

Max paused. "-- ...Not just them."

Alec squinted his eyes together, slightly confused. "Who else?"

Max exhaled and kept his eyes on Shadow as he petted her. "-- ...Kid, I've killed a lot of people."

Alec glanced back down at Shadow, continuing his petting. "I doubt you killed them just because you felt like it."

Max raised a shoulder. "-- ...No. Still did it, though."

Alec let out some breath he hadn't been aware he had been holding. "It doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do, no matter how much you are against it." It was almost scary how he heard the voice of his parents while he spoke.

Max shook his head. "-- You don't need to try and comfort me, kid. I became a cop to try and help people and ended up killing more people than I helped. That's all there is to it. Just don't give me too much credit, okay?"

Alec paused his fingers on top of Shadow's hindlegs. "I am not giving you too much credit. I'm giving you the credit you deserve. Yes, I may not have known you for that long or not really know you yet at all. I don't know what you went through in your life but I can see when someone is a good person. You have taken me in, Max. And not only that, you honestly ​care​ about others. You are..." ​like the dad I never had​ "... not giving yourself enough credit."

Max frowned at Alec's words. This...felt strange. "-- You don't need to say all this shit, Alec. I mean...thanks, but...you really...don't. I'm parenting you. You're not parenting me."

Alec froze. ​Parenting?​ Okay. Cool. He could... deal with that. "Well, then don't see it as me ​parenting​ you but... acknowledging the fact that you are like the father I never really had and I'm not just saying this 'shit' to try and make you feel better. I am saying it because it's the truth and I don't accept when someone does not see how great the... family is that I have." He still stared down at Shadow, though he let his gaze wander to his hand. "I'm sure you've only done what you had to and everything you've done? Does not take away from the fact that I believe that you have a lot to give to those around you."

Max petted Shadow, who stretched out so she could lay on her back, and didn't mind that he wasn't looking at Alec; the kid knew he was talking to him. The father he'd never had, though. He hadn't...been called a father in a long time. Over twenty years, in fact. "-- ...Hm," he said. Then he 'hm'd again. "-- ...You're...a good kid," he eventually settled on, rubbing at Shadow's tum-tum.