#shouldberevising

I’ve never felt so stupid or mentally fucked for a long, long time.

Call me stupid for crying after today’s exam, but this literally topped off my whole week. It’s like the only thing that defines me is that grade. Ngl, I love getting high results. I love winning and I hate being wrong or lower than anyone else, for what its worth. I’ve craved victory and euphoria for schoolwork and praise for so long and I h a t e failing my expectations.

I actually get angry and upset when people tell me i cant be worried cause I’m ‘’smart’’. Its not fair cause I don’t actually think people believe me when I say I’m gonna fail. Like seriously what am I supposed to say, ‘’wow I’m so gonna ace this shit cause I’m a know it all and I know everything inside out like I’m totally chuffed for this’’ like you don’t get it I have right to be afraid. Besides my version of failing is different. So I can’t really be judged.

Then when I truly do fuck up an exam it’s like nah you’re bluffing Em.

With me I’m gonna be honest, the only real thing I’m actually proud of is the fact I’m not a school drop out. For me that letter on a piece of paper defines me no matter what anybody says- its not like I don’t want to believe it, it’s just I actually can’t see anything in me that makes me any better. I can’t cook, I’m immature, I can’t get along with kids, I’m not that charity fundraiser, I’m not that amazing work ethic mastermind, I’m not naturally smart, I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I make really really reALLY stupid mistakes in EVERYTHING- I can’t even hold up a proper friendship, I’m the worst daughter my parents’ ever had- like that rotten first pancake fresh out the pan. All I got is the ‘aptitude’ for learning. Pretty boring person I am, but hey I’ll get somewhat somewhere.

Dishonor to family. Dishonor to my cow.

I’m gonna be so embarrassed when I don’t get to uni and retake a year.

But I have nothing else to be proud of anymore- school means too much to me. 

Great, one more thing- I’ve got too much pride.

:(