#shizznit

Me: ... I was laying on the floor, listening to music and being sad. Sorry.

Mom: What? Why were you sad? Why didn't you come talk to me?

H e c k--

But like...

Rex

Like.......

I don't want to deal with the humiliation of grabbing my own pencil and drawing Rex hugging me

I just want a picture of Rex hugging me to exist why is that too much to ask

Tonight was a bit of a weird night. I went to a party which was alright, then I went to hang with some friends, where I got the most unbiased true opinion of me. My friend, who I’ll just refer to as T, says that I don’t stand up for things I do not believe in, and that I am a conformist. I believe the reason for this was another point he brought up about how I can sugar coat things to make them better and easier for people to swallow. That I try to satisfy others needs instead of my own or that I need peoples opinions of me to be good if I want to be satisfied. Which I guess yeah is true. But if anyone knows me they first off know that I am not a conformist and that I do stand up for what I think is right. Most people that know me, know that I am a total straight edge. I don’t drink, smoke, none of that. Why? I don’t see it as wrong. It’s just not something I do. It’s not for me. I've never been affected by peer pressure. If someone wants to fucking blaze up to the point reality becomes fucking wonderland, that’s their decision. That’s just not me though.

Get ready cause this is probably gonna be a long post.

Do I sugar coat things? Yes. Do I lie? No. Most people would call this a fault, but I am an optimist, yet at the same time I am very much a realist. I know that not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Yet at the same time, not everything is dark and despair. I am honest. I will tell a person what they need to hear but I won’t be a dick about it. I will give them advice on something I truly believe. That’s me. And if my advice happens to be some sort of happy end then so be it. No one can see the damn future. A dark "realistic" prediction is no more true than the happy optimistic one that I give.

Is this turning into a rant?

Another thing he said was that I tell people what they need to hear to get them to the next day. That is very true. I am like that. But here’s why. And I’m going to try and think of him. He seems like the kind of person to live for himself. Like when it all comes down to it, he doesn’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks of him. That’s fine. But I can’t live like that. I was once told that you come into this world with your body and that’s what you’re leaving with because in the end, you’re going to be the person rotting in your coffin. No one else. But who would want to live life for themselves? Isn’t part of the beauty of life being there for others? Or at least affecting people's lives in some sort of positive way? That's not even looking at it in a Christian perspective. That's looking at it as a human being. Why would I want to watch someone crumble before my eyes because I gave them a sour horribly cynical truth? Because from the way he described his truth and my truth, is that his truth is THE truth while mine is a sweetened truth that is basically a fabricated lie because I didn't say it in some horrible way. His truth seems to give no hope while mine does. But again, that does not make his truth anymore truthful than mine.

I'm so tired of people thinking that just because I'm nice, I'm ignorant or oblivious to what goes on around me. So far it has only been total cynics that have told me these kinds of things. But the fact of the matter is that no one knows my thought process or the way I truly am. Because in reality, I am probably one of the most calculating people I know. Sometimes people see my belief in religion as a sign of ignorance. But exactly what is the issue with belief in something more? I am not the kind of Christian that will bash gays, attribute every little thing to God, or just blindly follow my religion. I believe in reason. However, I do not believe in coincidence. Coincidence is a lazy way of explaining something that has to have some sort of deeper meaning. Coincidence is not reason. Too many things have happened in my life for it to just be "coincidence". I can't swallow that. I can understand why people don't believe in religion. It is the cause of many deaths, disagreements, and pain. All the priests and little boys; I know the kind of damage that religion does. I've read the chapters of the Bible that make people go "wtf". And I've got a whole theory on that but I'm not in the mood to write a book or get in an argument about religion. I honestly don't even know how I got to this point, but whatever.