#shittposting

“Hopefully there’s a porn parody of it. Come on PornHub! I’m counting on you!”

“At this point in my life I only live for the gays.”

“I mean, sometimes I want them to break up so that she can see how much of a bitch she’s being to him. But at the same time, she’s my cousin and I know this it the best relationship she’s ever gunna have because nobody else is gunna wanna tolerate her.”

“I may have a goth kink but at least I don’t un-ironically like SAO!”

“Look, if the wold didn’t want furries to exist then Disney should really stop making their anthropomorphic animals so appealing. I’m looking at you Zootopia!”

“My self esteem is so low Satan is jealous.”

“I thought I made it super obvious that I’m really into bondage?”

Them: “Call me daddy.” Me: “Uh, no, but you can call ME daddy.”

“I swear to every deity in the world that if you ever call me ‘Princess’ again I will drop kick you off the nearest cliff.”

“In this house we worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster!”

“Sir, I hate to be the one to break it to you but your sex life is not appealing to us and you’re not that attractive. You’re a balding man past his prime that doesn’t pay his speeding tickets! Now can we please get back to the lecture?”

“In the wise words of Bo Burnham: ‘Why the fuck would you think God would ever want to kick it with you when there’s a trillion cooler aliens?’“

*on Thanksgiving day* “My people did not die for this bullshit!”

“Yes, I’m from Texas and yes, I’m always armed.” *flashes rainbow knife*

“I don’t care if Mama Mia is a bad musical, I didn’t come here for talent, I came here to belt out cheesy ABBA songs!”

“I completely understand why girls in the olden days wanted to become nuns. I too would totally ditch marriage to get an education and shut myself in a library forever. And I don’t even believe in God!”

“Listen Skittle dick, just because I’m a fat girl with low self esteem doesn’t mean I’m easy!”

“I’m here for a good time, not a long time.” *eats third slice of cake*

“Look, I don’t like kids but I will gladly get a degree in education out of spite just so I can go back to middle school and teach those little fuckers how to properly write a sentence!”

“For the love of Christ! You’re first language is English, how are you this bad at writing?!”

“I already had my existential crisis when I was nine now everything else is kind of numb.”

“Do I hate you? Nah, I don’t think ‘hate’ is a strong enough word for it.”

“There are certain people in the world that just....need to burn.”

 I T S Y A B O I D O N K E Y K O N G 

POV: your friends ask you what kind of drugs you're on