#shit on command

Orc #1: Shit!

Orc #2: Now?

Reg: No, not literally, Larry. Really? I say 'shit' and you were actually going to take a dump?

Larry: No..oo...oo...oo?

Reg: I'm not accusing you, I'm just kind of amazed that you can shit on command.

Larry: What, you can't?

Reg: Never actually tried, to tell you the truth. I mean, how often does that situation come up? Realistically?

Larry: Never...er...er?

Reg: Shit!

Larry: Now?

Reg: No, I mean, 'shit!' As in 'shit, did that drow really just turn into a bunch of spiders?'

Larry: What? Where?

Reg: Right there!

Larry: Oh, her. Yeah, she does that.

Reg: No fucking way.

Larry: Oh, yeah. Drop of a hat, spiders everywhere.

Reg: Well, that's sort of impressive.

Larry: Right? I mean, if we could do that imagine how much... oh, wait, someone's coming.

Reg: Little someone, though. Probably not much of a threa...ow! Hey! She stabbed me!

Larry: Quick little sucker, isn't she?

Reg: Well, swing at her with your sword!

Larry: I just polished this!

Reg: Really? I'm attacked and you're worried about the shine on your blade?

Larry: You're so pissed off, you swing at her!

Reg: She's really quite good, isn't she? Ow! She stabbed me again! Now that's just dirty pool!

Larry: What the... did she just try to kick sand in my eyes?

Reg: That's what it looked like to me.

Larry: Well, that's just dirty pool!

Reg: That's what I said!

Larry: I knew I heard it somewhere.

Reg: Okay, I'm gonna take a swing at her. I think she's done.

Larry: That was quite a lot of things she did all at once there.

Reg: She had the drop on us. It's only fair, really.

Larry: Still, seems dumb that we just stand here while she stabs and...sand-eyes us.

Reg: Rules are rules, Larry.

Larry: Swing already! She's just standing there!

Reg: Okay, I'm swinging.

Larry: Nice one, Reg! You hit her with your sword!

Reg: I totally did!

Larry: I'm kind of over these spiders about now.

Reg: They do tend to get everywhere, don't they?

Larry: Is it my turn to attack, now?

Reg: Sure, go for it. There are some others coming now.

Larry: Probably drawn to the fight by the sounds of me being stabbed.

Reg: Or all these damned spiders everywhere.

Larry: There really are quite a lot of them.

Reg: Indeed.

Larry: Okay. I'm swinging.... now!

Reg: Oh, dear. You missed her.

Larry: Well, she's so short!

Reg: Halfling.

Larry: I beg your pardon! Just because I'm not as big as you are in...certain departments doesn't call for...

Reg: No, I meant her. The stabby one. She's a halfling.

Larry: Wow. It never occurred to me how derogatory that is.

Reg: Yeah, try going around with a label like rock gnome. Everyone's always, 'Hey, rock gnome! Why don'y you pull out your mandolin and serenade us all with a power ballad!'

Larry: I don't get it.

Reg: Rock gnome? Power ballad?

Larry: Nope.

Reg: Actually, I don't get it either. I was hoping you did.

Larry: Watch it, she's taking another stab at you.

Reg: Where? Oh, shi... Ow! That little bitch stabbed me again!

Larry: Well, it's her job, isn't it?

Reg: Wait, I just thought up a funny.

Larry: Go for it.

Reg: "It's her job to jab!"

Larry: I thought you said it was funny.

Reg: Yeah, you try coming up with a decent pun while a halfling rogue is stabbing you in the groin.

Larry: I'd rather not.

Reg: That's what I'm saying.

Larry: Oh, for the love of... more sand? Really? Is this all she has up her sleeve?

Reg: She's not got sleeves.

Larry: Manner of speech.

Reg: Which manner?

Larry: You're really not very bright, are you?

Reg: I make up for it with my good looks.

Larry: My turn, yet?

Reg: For swinging your precious polished blade? Yes, you may swing it.

Larry: Look, I just bought this and I don't want to mess it up already! Is that so hard to understand?

Reg: You bought that?

Larry: Yes.

Reg: Really?

Larry: Yes!

Reg: And all the swords we find just laying about after a battle, none of those were good enough for you?

Larry: Okay, as a hired mercenary, it's not like I get the pick of the litter, right?

Reg: Okay, given.

Larry: And I just thought that, maybe, for once, I could have the nice blade.

Reg: And you paid for it.

Larry: Of course I paid for it.

Reg: You didn't, like, swagger in and be all orc on someone's ass and just take the bloody thing.

Larry: I'm an orc, Reg. I'm not a thief. That's a thief. The little bitch kicking sand at us. Do I look like that?

Reg: I'm just kind of amazed, is all.

Larry: Because I paid for something nice that I wanted?

Reg: No, that the merchant didn't start screaming and grabbing the nearest crossbow and sticking a few dozen bolts in your ass when you walked in.

Larry: Because I'm an orc?

Reg: Well, in a word: Duh.

Larry: He was actually quite nice.

Reg: Was he - hold on, I have to take a swing at the halfling. Okay. Now, what were you saying?

Larry: The merchant. He was really quite nice.

Reg: How many limbs?

Larry: I have no idea what you're on about.

Reg: How many limbs, Larry?

Larry: Look, I walked into his establishment and I had my gold and I said, "My good man, I am quite interested in procuring a good quality two-handed sword at a fair price. Might you be so kind as to show me your finest..."

Reg: How many?

Larry: Just the one arm. It came off so easily I thought maybe it was fake or something, but then there was a lot of blood and screaming so I knew it wasn't. And then he sold me this and that was that! Really, I don't know why you're making such a.. Ow! Fucking little halfling!

Reg: Bit of a nuisance, what?

Larry: Not to mention all these fucking spiders!

Reg: Makes you wonder if it's all worth it sometimes, doesn't it?

Larry: All worth what?