#sheissokind

Sister: So, your pan/ace and genderdoe right?

Me: Yupper doodles!

Sister: So, just curiosity, when did you realize you were gay? Like how does one realize they aren’t cishet? 

Me: With which one do you want me to start?

Sister: Umm, go  from how you realized you were pan, then to ace, then genderdoe, if that’s ok with you.

Me: OK!

Me: Well, probably because I dated a lot of boys but was never really happy in the relationships. But then I saw a lot of my friends dating girls, boys, and people of all genders depending on who they were and thought that maybe I didn’t have to limit myself to just liking boys. Soo when I had that in mind, I looked up a lot of LGBTQ+ terms and saw that pansexual fit me best, because I don’t really care what my significant other’s gender is, I just want a happy relationship ya know?

Sister:...that is so sappy and adorable. Hurry up and continue explaining before I puke. 

Me: Ok! So I realized I was ace and genderdoe recently. 

Sister: But how? 

Me; Well, I used to hear the kids in my classes talking about how it sucked that they were “too young to have sex” and how they just wanted to fuck their boyfriends and girlfriends. They would also like, look at attractive people on the internet and state that they were horny, and I was confused, cause you know, I thought that it shouldn’t be a big deal that they can’t have sex in middle school, and I just didn’t understand how they could look at someone attractive and fantasize about defiling them in that way, ya know? It grossed me out, the way they would talk about all these things, But all my friends were like that, and the conversations seemed normal to everyone, and so I didn’t say anything because I thought it would make me seem weird, especially after that sex-ed talk in 6th grade stating that everyone would eventually have sexual urges strong enough to be unable to ignore, especially at our age. But I didn’t feel like that at all, and so I went to the internet to find out why. Then I came across websites explaining asexuality and the different subtypes? I guess is the word, and I realized I was asexual, sex-repulsed mainly. 

Sister: I’m glad! Could you explain genderdoe now? Mom’s coming so you might want to hurry up.

Me: No prob! So I realized it like a few moths ago, before 2021 started. Somedays I would lookin the mirror to like do my makeup or whatever, and I would get really sad to the point where I wanted to cry because I looked “too girly”. Other days, I just felt mildly uncomfortable with my appearance, and other days I was glad about how girly I looked, and there were even days I was upset because I didn’t look “girly enough”. I felt really sad some days too, because I got so upset I would be on autopilot and I never really remembered what happened on those days. All this still happens sometimes too, but at least now I know why, and I don’t feel as upset as before.

Sister: Why didn’t you just cut your hair? It’s long and girly, so is it the problem? Oh! Also, what are your pronouns, and do you want to change your name for the days where you don’t feel feminine? How do I know what pronouns to use every day?

Me: No, my hair isn’t the problem, actually it’s my favorite part about me! It was more how my body looked, how sometimes it looked like it wasn’t the body type that a girl would be born with, and other times it looked too girly, especially my chest, and how I felt wrong and dirty, looking at it and being in it.  I only don’t use masculine pronoun, but mainly I use she/her, she/they, they/she, they/them, and it/its, as well as any and all neopronouns. For days where I don’t feel feminine, I suppose I would like to use the name Hyacinth, since it can be seen as androgynous because Hyacinthus was a boy but flowers such as hyacinths are seen as feminine. For how to tell, I haven’t found a way that’s not obvous to our parents as well, soo just ask me, or my clothing is usually a good way to tell, although I much prefer you ask me.

Sister: Cool! So, you researched and found out genderdoe? What is that specifically, and also what’s the difference between aromanticism and asexuality?

Me: Yea, I researched genderdoe! Simply put, genderdoe, which is more commonly known as genderfae and genderthil, is being fluid between genders but never feeling masculine at any times. There’s a word for the opposite too I think, I think it’s called being genderfaun. Also, the difference between aromanticism and asexuality is that aromantic people experience a lack of romantic attraction, which means little to none, and asexual people experience litlle to no sexual attraction, which again could be worded as having a lack of sexual attraction. 

Sister: And aromantic people, are they still aromantic if they don’t experience attraction but still want like uddles and kisses and stuff?

Me; Yea, obviously! I mean, kisses and cuddles and other “relationship things” can also be used to express platonic, familial love, or friendship love, can’t they? 

Sister: And if aromantic people want those sorts of things from someone outside of their family and friends?

Me: Well... I’m pretty sure that aromantic people can be involved in queerplatonic relationships if they want such things, but I’m not sure, we’ll research it later.

Sister: ... Is that why you like Nico Di Angelo so much? Because he’s gay, and it brought you comfort to know that your feelings were normal?

Me: *laughter* I suppose so, now that I think about it. So, how you feeling about all this, I know it’s a lot. 

Sister: Well, I think I might be aromantic, but I’m definietly not sure, and I wanna research more, and all that good stuff. But I’m glad you trusted me enough to come out to me.

Me: Course I trust you, your my twin sister!

 Sister: Thanks... I trust you too, whether you are my sister, or my sibling, or any of all that fun stuff. Wait, can I still call you dude and stuff? I know mom says-

Me: Lmao Fa, yes you can still call me dude and stuff! I don’t care what mom says, the terms are so commonly used now I can interpret them as non gender conforming.

Sister: That’s great.

Sister: I just realized that between you being a sex repulsed asexual and me not ever wanting a romantic relationship, that mom’s never gonna have “biological grandchildren” or whatever. She won’t accept any of our possibly adopted children as her family either, which means we’re essentially ending our bloodline.

Me: ... oh my god you’re right. 

Me: ... Wanna tell her or just let her suffer with never knowing?

Sister: Between you and me, I say let her suffer, she won’t accept you which means I won’t accept her either.

Me: Thanks but I don’t think it works like that

Sister: Well, know it does!