Being the daughter of a controlling mother is so weird, especially when your mother was a product of the same environment. It's like: I don't know how to say no because when I say no to you, nothing changes. I don't know how to assert myself without feeling like I'm being an inconvenience or that I'm risking making someone angry. I don't know how to suggest my opinion because I'm so used to defaulting to a people pleasing option that even when someone enthusiastically seeks my opinion, I still "read the room" the choose the option that will make everyone happy. I don't pursue many hobbies because I know you don't like messes and hobbies make mess. I leave projects half finished because I'm so used to having to throw everything in a drawer or otherwise "clean" it before your cleaning anxiety kicks in and we all have to clean the house for you. I listen to your stories about how you went on wild adventures as a teenager and hid things from your own mother, while I'm terrified of doing anything to disappoint you (not because you would punish me, but because I have such an aversion to upsetting people). I have almost no friends, I do nothing but work and go to college, and I sit at home online during all my free time because I'm not "allowed" to drive very far, and who really wants to hang out at the same 4 places with me?? You drove around town as a teen and left home at 18 and I'm almost 21 and not even allowed to drive half an hour to the next biggest town. No one wants to hang out with me because they know how you are and they know the only options are my house or the local fast food place, because I'm not allowed to drive further. You don't trust me to do things on my own but it's suddenly okay if I have a "chaperone" with me. You were skydiving at my age, but it's not "safe" for me to walk around the woods by myself. People offer to take me places out of pity but I decline because I'm almost positive that they don't really want my company, and they only offer because they must feel bad because I don't experience much.
You once explained to me that the reason you control everything and everyone (in your words) is because you had no control over your life when you were younger, so now you have this need to control everything. You don't realize that you're setting me up for the same position, or maybe you do realize but you can't stop yourself. I'm terrified that I'm going to do the same thing to my own daughters. I don't want this for them, and I don't want it for me.
When that little girl walked a few yards to her house after my grandma's funeral, my instinctual response was to panic and think "No! She can't do that!! She'll get hurt!!"
I didn't want to think that. It wasn't my thought, it was yours.
I love you so much, but I don't want to become you. I can't ever tell you this, because it would break you.
I'm the only daughter, the only child. I have to be good, I have to make you happy. I can't be independent because it won't make you happy, but I can't live my life with the independence level of an 8 year old. I see 12 year olds with more personal freedom than me. They're allowed to wander town as long as they keep in touch with their parents and they keep a level head. I'm not even allowed that, and I certainly wasn't at that age.
I do things that I don't want to in order to make people happy. I scold myself for having too many wants because I feel like it's selfish. It's selfish to write this. It's selfish to not want to be like you, because it would hurt you and that's wrong of me.
I can't ever tell you about any of this, because it would be the nail in the coffin for us. You think I hate you, and this would only confirm it for you. I don't hate you. I love you, but I hate the way you do some things. A person and their actions are two separate things.
You're so headstrong, and so am I, but only to you. It's funny. I defy you so much and make no headway, but I'm so submissive to everyone else to the point of putting on false personas to please a crowd. I think I defy and argue my side because if I don't, then I'd never have any opinion at all. I argue and fight because if I don't then that means my real thoughts are never voiced. You think I fight because I hate you, but I love you. You're my mother and I'm your daughter and I love you. I'm just really bad at showing it, I guess.
I won't control my daughters the way that I've been controlled.
