#shadeson

This was a year of grief. It’s hard for me to reflect because it’s so much grief, sadness.

In January I decline my final medical board and got my walking papers for march

In February my doctor discovered a tumor

In March my release date from the Navy was pushed to may and then my co worker Jen decided life wasn’t worth living and checked out.

In April I found out I could have cancer twice

In May I got the surgery to remove the tumor

In June I got put on permanent limited duty until Sept

In July was my last day in uniform and I enrolled back in business school to finish my MBA

In Aug I took a trip to NY to see my grand mother and son. for the first time in life, I was at peace.

In Sept my grandmother the one I just saw, the lady that raised me died.

In Oct I got out the Navy, ending a 9 and a half year career. A job I dedicated my life too

In Nov my great grand mother at 102 died also

In Dec I went no contact with my mother and got kicked out of business school

I grieved my career, my grandmothers, my friends, my life. it’s been one thing after another.

Welcome to my Shades on 2024. I am writing this on Jan 31, 2026. This isn’t a live shades but a reflective one. I guess thats how most “shades on” post will be now since I blog less these days.

Seems like life for most people are lived forward but only make sense backwards or in a reflective state. But much of my life is consumed by making sense of the world in front of me and contextualizing every step.

Let’s start with 2024. The Year started with me getting back home from NY. My sister had just graduated Penn State with a Bachelors in Finance. We had went to state College to see her walk. My son was 6 months at the time and it was scary because I had a rental and we had driven 3-4 hours to get there. For some reason back then I was overweight (still am) and had poor sleeping habits so I was always tired. A few times during this trip I almost went to sleep on road and killed us all. But that never happen, I couldn’t. I had a little boy in the back seat that needed me and for the first time in my life it was an invisible sheer will keeping someone safe other than myself. The most scariest thing was knowing his small life was in my hands and he needed me.

I left NY that visit and came back home and grind so hard. I took that vasopressin into every facet of my life.

I lost weight and I change my degree plan to Management and leadership.

That March my doctors put in my papers to be medically separated from the Navy and for the next 9 months I went into a planning state. I knew the ending of my service was near so I prepared hard. I got my Master degree 2 weeks later and in May of 2024 in Cincinnati Oh I offically graduated. I only had my mother in attendance and it felt good doing this at the age of 30, while my kid was alive even though he wasn’t there physically.

As I wait for my “walking” papers that summer, I just kept working. I wanted to go back to school and finish my original degree and so I did. I finish 2 of the 7 classes needed and was making great progress. Then something bad happen. my cousin, my sweet cousin Ephraim Weir went on to the other side.

In a his bedroom one night in November he felt like living was too much and romantically slit his throat.

Blood splattered everywhere.

He was a light skin lad but he lost so much blood he was dark in the casket. I was stun and broken hearted. i couldn’t believe it. My sweet boy at 28 was gone. It was nothing that prepare me for that lost. We were brothers. A part me isn’t mad he dead but I wished he was patience with life and tried new shit. I wanted him to see the world, have children and know this life shit is a prism within a prism.

Because of him and his family kicking me out on the street at 19, I was able to go on and do great things with my life. I was able to spend 4 great years with my grandmother while I try to get in the Navy. i got to create my origin story and as a man thats important. But dealing with this was all heart breaking. It personally hurt when I found out they never change the room I stayed in. His gf said, it was like i was still living there. & I realize while I was angry and running away but he never left. I know he felt guilty how it end with us but he know I never faulted him for our falling out. He was a child, he was innocent.

But deep down even I don’t believe that. He lived so many years alone, he didn’t know how to be a brother and his jealousy cause a fight and subsequently I was kicked out.

See when I started this shades on, I thought it was about me and a recap on 2024 but it was really about him because he was my 2024. Same how in 2025, its someone else and the truth is, I been dealing with grief and lost since he left. Now I don’t know if I want to be with him, where ever he is because this life shit isn’t good for me and I’m losing more people than I have. & I’m only 32.

What can I say? This year I been through alot. More mental health issues, weight gain, relationship loss, sluggish work life.

I been stuck in California and life havent been what I thought. Somedays I felt like checking out on self service. Somedays I felt like fighting for more.

I feel like I shouldve started this post weeks ago but I been sending nonstop text to a newly ex. Just cleaning out alot of feelings, thoughts and disappointments. I refuse to leave this relationship with any baggage or demons. i felt like she ended the relationship 2 years ago but kept me here physically. I guess I was her emotional support while she build up courage to get rid of me. I am hurt because for the past 2 years I put in real effort but I must understand THESE THINGS HAPPEN. its lesson that are in play and once im calm I will be able to embrace them.

At this point in my career im only signing up for short contracts. Im not committing years of my life to a dying organization. These people don’t care about me. I feel like I can gamble and do more in life. I guess im waiting on that leap of faith moment where I jump of the cliff too endless possibilities. Im not sure but I know that option is in play.

Well Cheers to 2023, less social media, more writing, degrees, adventure, and Japannnnn !! like every year, Shades on baby