oh we played another sesh the other night which was great!!! (even tho i lost my voice) they finally went to the werewolf den and did some fun stuff such as:
eating bianca's brain after the sorcerer was briefly transformed into a gnome squidling (custom wild magic surge)
nearly stealth killing zuleika (while i tried SOOOO hard not to intervene) (SHES OKAY)
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I don’t even know. I don’t. I really don’t. What is there to know, you say? You ask. I don’t know that either. I am at a complete lack of knowing. Maybe there isn’t anything to know, I say. Maybe that’s the point.
Pocket poetry and musings from a… madman. And also, a girl. A tragic comedy. That’s what my life feels like, these days.
20.58
I neeeeed. I desperately need. I’m so desperately needing. So desperately needy. In desperate need.
For and of, things. So much. All these things I don’t know of. Don’t know about. The constant suffering. Suffrage. Suffering rage. Rampage. Age. 30. A sharp corner. Ah. I need a miracle.
What is there to say? To think? To believe? To be? To be obsessed with? To let yourself become obsessed by? To obsess over? I’m over, I’m done. I’m all out. I’ve given all I’ve got.
That’s not true. It’s hardly enough. I’ve got more, I have it. I have it right here. It’s at my fingertips. The pointy tips of my fingers. My nails. My stiletto –not heels– nails on my fingers. Piercing and stabbing at the keys. Writing these words.
Urgh. I don’t hate you I just need some time alone*. Is that my words to my creative process? My muse?
Noooo, he’s found me. I’ve found him. He… strikes me, I want to say. In many ways. Not in the way that counts, though. Well, I mean, in the way that hurts – WITH HIS BIG, FAT COCK – sorry, tics.
Oh god. I don’t know. I simply don’t know. I might have given up. I might have let loose. I might have dropped it all to the floor. I might have vomited and puked it all up. Maybe eaten it all raw again, just to see if I can make the same number tomorrow. The same show. Theater.
I’m so tired. Exhausted. In love. It’s horrendous. Horrible. An endearing endeavour, that I’d never be without. Oh, to be wild, to be free, to be home, honestly, him with me.
Three more minutes. That’s all you’ll ever see of this scripture. These last few minutes to see. See what there is to see, to feel, to try to be, one, with the earth, air and grass between the toes on my feet.
I run my fingers along the edge of a leaf. The sides are sticky. I try to wipe it off my dress, to no amed.
2 minutes left.
I love you, I love you, love you, I love you, I mean it, And I don’t care, no, no… Mine… you’re… mine. I’m … Yours right now. **
Ooooh. So tired. I… put a spell on you. But not before, not before you put a spell on me too. I love you.
20:08
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* Lyrics from [YT link: Introverted - Elita]
** Lyrics from [YT link: Alice Smith - I Put A Spell on You]
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I have taken up freewriting in sessions of 10-minute bursts. Once the 10 minutes are done, I will either go back and edit or continue on another route depending on my flow of inspiration. If I happen to find it sharable, well, I will. Like this one. That said, I won’t be sharing every one.
I hope you enjoy reading these scattered thoughts of a young woman.
"Ra: The entity polarizing positively perceives the anger. This entity, if using this catalyst mentally, blesses and loves this anger in itself. It then intensifies this anger consciously in mind alone until the folly of this red-ray energy is perceived not as folly in itself but as energy subject to spiritual entropy due to the randomness of energy being used. Positive orientation then provides the will and faith to continue this mentally intense experience of letting the anger be understood, accepted, and integrated with the mind/body/spirit complex. The other-self which is the object of anger is thus transformed into an object of acceptance, understanding, and accommodation, all being reintegrated using the great energy which anger began. The negatively oriented mind/body/spirit complex will use this anger in a similarly conscious fashion, refusing to accept the undirected or random energy of anger and instead, through will and faith, funneling this energy into a practical means of venting the negative aspect of this emotion so as to obtain control over other-self, or otherwise control the situation causing anger. Control is the key to negatively polarized use of catalyst. Acceptance is the key to positively polarized use of catalyst. Between these polarities lies the potential for this random and undirected energy creating a bodily complex analog of what you call the cancerous growth of tissue." - Ra, Law of One, Book II, Session 46
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