#session 46

I neeeeed. I desperately need. I’m so desperately needing. So desperately needy. In desperate need.

For and of, things. So much. All these things I don’t know of. Don’t know about. The constant suffering. Suffrage. Suffering rage. Rampage. Age. 30. A sharp corner. Ah. I need a miracle.

What is there to say? To think? To believe? To be? To be obsessed with? To let yourself become obsessed by? To obsess over? I’m over, I’m done. I’m all out. I’ve given all I’ve got.

That’s not true. It’s hardly enough. I’ve got more, I have it. I have it right here. It’s at my fingertips. The pointy tips of my fingers. My nails. My stiletto –not heels– nails on my fingers. Piercing and stabbing at the keys. Writing these words.

Urgh. I don’t hate you I just need some time alone*. Is that my words to my creative process? My muse?

Noooo, he’s found me. I’ve found him. He… strikes me, I want to say. In many ways. Not in the way that counts, though. Well, I mean, in the way that hurts – WITH HIS BIG, FAT COCK – sorry, tics.

Oh god. I don’t know. I simply don’t know. I might have given up. I might have let loose. I might have dropped it all to the floor. I might have vomited and puked it all up. Maybe eaten it all raw again, just to see if I can make the same number tomorrow. The same show. Theater.

I’m so tired. Exhausted. In love. It’s horrendous. Horrible. An endearing endeavour, that I’d never be without. Oh, to be wild, to be free, to be home, honestly, him with me.

Three more minutes. That’s all you’ll ever see of this scripture. These last few minutes to see. See what there is to see, to feel, to try to be, one, with the earth, air and grass between the toes on my feet.

I run my fingers along the edge of a leaf. The sides are sticky. I try to wipe it off my dress, to no amed.

2 minutes left.

I love you, I love you, love you, I love you, I mean it, And I don’t care, no, no… Mine… you’re… mine. I’m … Yours right now. **

Ooooh. So tired. I… put a spell on you. But not before, not before you put a spell on me too. I love you.

20:08

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* Lyrics from [YT link: Introverted - Elita]

** Lyrics from [YT link: Alice Smith - I Put A Spell on You]

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I have taken up freewriting in sessions of 10-minute bursts. Once the 10 minutes are done, I will either go back and edit or continue on another route depending on my flow of inspiration. If I happen to find it sharable, well, I will. Like this one. That said, I won’t be sharing every one.

I hope you enjoy reading these scattered thoughts of a young woman.

If you want to read more, here’s my Masterlist