#sesh log

So, it's been a while.

I had a bit of a hiccup mental health wise, but am slowly edging back to normal. Anxiety is a bitch.

Full disclosure, I'm drafting this while high the morning hours of 4/20/20, sitting in on a training session for a new tool for my job. Workin remote from home.

This high feels like a really good reminder of what the goals I was chasing before my little mental health flare up were. Maybe it's because I'm finally getting used to the shock of the current situation, or because winter seems to have finally died, but I feel like this is a really "inspiring" sorta sesh. This really reminds me of the way I used to smoke weed when I first started.

I've been introspecting for the last hour or so of my day, able to reflect a lot of the ways my life isn't meeting what I want out of it in a stoic sort of way.

Usually this sort of introspection would result in me spiraling into an overly self-critical pessimistic storm. But while I'm high on some Rainbow Mint it's a much more optimistic exercise.

A few of my realizations and thoughts, which will likely end up as goals:

I'm becoming increasingly dissatisfied with my current living situation, vis a vis my apartment namely.

Nevertheless, it's still something to be grateful for and thus treat it with more care.

I have stagnated in progress and allowed previous trauma and issues to "bully" me in a way to avoid pursuing things that I want or that would benefit me because of a mental narrative that I have from being raised by a narcissist.

My stoicism is good, but it has often been morphed by my good ol’ Catholic Guilt(TM) and Millennial Paranoid Frugality(R), into habitually denying myself things that would help me, bring my happiness or ease, or improve my life.

There’s nothing holding me back from creating a better life for myself, except for... well... my own damn self, lol. So the step now is to get myself outta my own way and spend some concerted, deliberate time chasing these goals down.

I’m still struggling with the War-on-Drugs mentality my parents raised me with, since I keep having periods of time where I worry that using weed to keep my anxiety at bay and enable me to experience a sort of optimism that helps me tackle life more fully is actually me just being a “druggie”. But I’ve had several meetings with doctors that have legitimized my use of it to me, so that narrative just doesn’t hold up any more.

Anywho, gonna get on with my day. Just wanted to check in with a bit of a breakthrough from my morning 4/20 sesh.